A few days

 

I know I haven’t written an update in a few days and to be honest I’m a little worn thin. Between the whole fiasco with the scooter and trying to find new transportation by having to walk almost everywhere I’m tired and in a little pain. Last Friday when the stupid scooter broke down and I ended up having to walk several miles, I think I twisted my right foot some how, probably when I almost fell over at Speakeasy because it was dark walking home and I didn’t see the culvert thing.

So, walking everywhere and not being able to keep off of it hasn’t really helped my foot along in the healing process, BUT I’m hoping that that changes after today. I’m not going to say anything and jinx myself, so I’ll wait until it actually pans out, and just say that I am lucky I have such a wonderful friend that was willing to come pick me up after wandering around Fayetteville for hours looking for a vehicle that I won’t have to work on every effing day.

The plans are after we get the transportation issue settled to go back to job hunting. It was really shitty timing that the Neon broke down in the first place, but that is in the past and is really a moot point now.

Tomorrow, we are going to be attending a peace rally here in Fayetteville, it will be on the corner of Dickson St. and College if anyone is interested, and will be from 4:00 until 6:00pm. Last night Emily, the boys and I sat down together and made signs for the rally while explaining to the boys what the rally was for and how the signs were a representation of their own personal believes that they wanted to share.

At this point.

At this point I want to pull out my hair. I’m going to end up having to return the scooter and get my money back leaving me searching for another form of transportation. We’re going to get another scooter or maybe even  a motorcycle.

I am so frustrated with this company right now. In my opinion they lack the customer service skills to be in business. Rather than recap again, I’m just going to copy and paste my mini rant from my Facebook account:

Okay so people don't think they have to return your call when they are trying to ass rape you over "business". Tomorrow morning I'll be returning my bike and accessories from MopedU and getting my money back. I retract my previous statement referring to them as a good company. Less than 48 hours after I had purchased my "brand new" V150 (which already had 47 miles on it) it broke down. The electric starter stopped working. Took it in, got it fixed. Later that night it broke down AGAIN and left me stranded and having to push a 200 pound scooter back to their store. A nice little 7 block hike that I am really not too fond of.

They were supposed to have it fixed on Saturday (the next day). It never happened, I've been given the run around since Saturday morning and haven't even been offered any real solution that was reasonable.

Today I was told they would have a new V150 for me either "today or tomorrow". Then I get a call back telling me it'll be FRIDAY before anything is done.

That's a week.

A FUCKING WEEK.

A week with no transportation.

They continued to dangle a "rental" moped in front of me and then renege on it several times over. A 50cc moped that tops out at 35mph DOES NOT COMPARE to a 150cc scooter that'll reach 55 mph.

I was offered the chance to get another scooter, but at this point I have completely lost all faith in this company, and honestly I think if I was to even try to get a different scooter it would probably break down, and this cycle would start all over again.

I find it hilarious that they have a listing up on craigslist that states they want to provide people with a product that doesn't break down, yet that is exactly what happened to me when I trusted them.

Seriously, these guys told me I wouldn't have to get insurance, tags or a motorcycle endorsement for my license even with the larger engine, and that was a huge lie. It's clear they have no real clue what the laws for mopeds or scooters are in Arkansas and just agree with whatever you say to get you to buy their scooters.

I'll admit I should have done the research myself beforehand, instead of trusting someone who just wants to make a buck.

Yes, it was a rather lengthy rant, the thing that really bothered me was the fact that I had to cancel all my weekend plans because of this problem and they went on all weekend posting about going to Razorback games and how they were in the shop, come on by, but they couldn’t be bothered to really try to get me any sort of transportation.

If I was the manager of the shop, I would have told my customer they could have any bike in the shop and I would have picked them up personally from their house. We were told we would have to walk to the store. . . walk…after we dropped $1200 for a new scooter that broke down 48 hours after purchase.

Riiiiight.

It’s bad enough we had to walk to pay all our bills today because…you guessed it, no transportation.

So, I would highly suggest that anyone looking for a scooter or moped avoid MopedU in Fayetteville, if nothing else but for their lack of knowledge and willingness to say anything to get you to buy their scooters/mopeds.

A huge let down.

In other news…

I was able to attend my panel today for a good friend of mine, she was wonderful enough to come pick me up during her break so that I could attend.

While I was a little nervous, I found it was actually quite easy to get up in front of people ( or rather sit) and talk about myself, any how I am a transsexual. I thought it was really quite fun, and I loved it.

I’m really enjoying becoming, or trying to become, more involved with the LGBT community and I’m finding that I’m making friends and talking to people easier now then before.

Looking back at the way I was before makes me wonder how people put up with me. I’m lucky though, I have friends now that care about me and that like me for me.

I couldn’t be happier.

Fitting In

Every so often I’ll have an off day, not really a bad day, just an off day. I don’t have bad days as often as I used to. Today, was an off day. While I’m having a lot of issue with my transportation that I shouldn’t be having and I am extremely angry about it, that’s not what caused me to be off.

I’ve had this happen to me before, when the little voice in the back of my head tells me I’ll never really fit in anywhere. I can usually strap Hello Kitty duct tape over its mouth and ignore it, but today…It was just over whelming. This is the voice that tells me I’ve never fit in as my birth sex and I’ll never fit in as my mental sex. It whispers to me that I’ll never be able to fully adapt to living as one or the other, but that I’ll always be a mixture of the two. While that would be okay with me if the world was a nicer place that understood people that are trans* that isn’t the case.

People don’t understand being trans* unless they themselves are. No matter how many different ways I try to explain it, explain myself, it is a rare occasion that anyone understands what I mean let alone completely understand. I’ve been with Emily for almost eight years and I don’t think that she completely understands. She’s got a better grasp of who and what I am than most people do, but she really doesn’t understand. It’s like trying to describe color to someone born without sight.

The hardest letter to represent in the Rainbow Soup is the T. People can understand being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, because they are just variations in sexual orientation. The person is completely fine with their born sex. They aren’t trapped in a gender prison of skin that they have to live with day in and day out until they are able to transition, IF they are able to transition.

Even if we are able to transition can we really lead anything close to a normal life? Imagine how hard it is for a trans* person trying to date after having SRS. How would that conversation even be breeched? “Oh by the way, I was born a guy/girl but I’ve transitioned?” I’m sure there can be times when it isn’t even talked about but I couldn’t keep something like that from my wife. Whether I like it or not, its part of who I am. Who I was born as. The fact that genetics fucked me over royally isn’t something I’m proud of, but I am proud of how I have chosen to deal with it. I’m proud that I am still here today, some 28 (almost 29) years later and that I’m finally transitioning into the man I was born to be.

Isn’t it funny…

Isn’t it funny how your impression of someone or rather something, like a company, can change drastically almost over night? A few days ago Emily and I bought a brand new moped with a nice 150cc engine in it from MopedU, a local store. I couldn’t have been happier with my purchase up until yesterday.

The day before yesterday, the electric start went out on the moped, which wasn’t that big of an issue because I could still ride it, I just had to kick start it. Not really a big deal it wasn’t that much trouble. Yesterday, I took it into the store, and they fixed it. Great! I was annoyed that it happened but like I said, it still wasn’t a big deal.

Last night, I had planned to take Emily to the top of Mt. Sequoia here in Fayetteville to watch the sun set together. Yes, it was a cheesy, romantic plan, but I knew she would love it. Well my plans came to a huge halt when we stopped at a stop sign near the top of the “mountain” and the engine completely died.

Hmmm.

I thought maybe, it was because we were on such a steep incline, so I pushed the moped onto more level ground, which wasn’t very easy considering the incline we were on to begin with. Tried to start it.

Nothing.

Getting a bit annoyed at this point, because we already had plans to be somewhere at 9:00, later that evening.

So I thought perhaps I needed to position the damned thing headed down the hill. Needless to say, that didn’t work either. We had to coast down the curvy hills to make it back closer into town, and then I had to push the moped back to the store.

I was supposed to have it fixed this morning, because at noon I was supposed to be at a park a mile and a half from my apartment to take pictures for the family picnic being hosted by the NWA Center for Equality.

It wasn’t ready this morning, and I had to hike the 1.5 miles to the park, and after having a huge panic attack because someone brought their doberman to the picnic I had to hike 1.5 miles home.

If I had wanted to walk everywhere, I would have saved the money I spent on the moped and used it for something else, like a new phone that doesn’t screw up on me, or a new computer seeing as mine isn’t doing so well. Hell I could have used that money to pay a month of rent, and install internet here after paying all my other bills.

Yes, I am pissed.

I am not happy.

I haven’t even been offered anything else to drive/ride while they are fiddling with my broken down moped. I haven’t even been given a time when the damned thing it supposed to be fixed.

So, when I’m ready to buy a new scooter for Emily and later for Eddie….I know some place that I won’t be going.

What A Night

Went out to Speakeasy tonight for their EDM Phase II. While I had a really good time, someone was wearing way too much whore-juice (purfume) making it really hard to breathe.  Couple that with the fact that I'm still getting over this ick and it wasn't a pretty picture.

On top of that, the scooer broke down. Yes, brand new scooter and bam, it just quit. I had planned on taking Emily to the top of Mt. Sequoia to watch the sun set and ended up pushing the scooter back to mopedu. So our night really didn't start out that well. The guys are supposed to have it fixed tomorrow, or atleast I hope so. Really sucks buying a new scooter and then it breaking down the third day we've had it. My feet are killing me from the hike first to mopedu with the scooter and then to Speakeasy and home afterwards.

I still hate public bathrooms no matter where they are. Well, maybe not hate so much as fear. I'm afraid I'll pee too loudly and someone would notice. I'm sure that's not really the case, but I'm still scared of them. It makes me wonder if I'll ever really fit in. Honestly, if I can't even use a public restroom...

I would think it would be easier for MtFs, but I'm sure it is just as scary.

In other news my phone is STILL messing up. On my fifth phone and its doing exactly the same thing as all the other ones. Lagging, locking, and completely freezing up. I'm sure it'll blue screen any day now and I'll be wthout a phone, because my carrier can't see fit to give me a different phone knowing thus one is shit. Oh well. Needless to say I am not a happy camper.

Rainy days

It was supposed to stop raining at 8 am this morning, I guess the weather didn’t get the memo, because it was still raining at 11am when we headed out to get the storage box put on the back of our new scooter. I guess it was a really good thing that Emily and I had both bought complete rain suits several months back. The real pain was the cold. It’s the middle of April and 44 degrees outside. Ew!

Emily ended up not getting the position at the veterinary clinic because they chose to hire someone else who knew people there. I think that was really shitty, but that’s how life goes I suppose. If you know people, regardless of your experience, professionalism, or in some cases lack thereof, you get hired on. Yeah, I’m thoroughly annoyed, because they wasted Emily’s time and led her on like she was definitely going to get the job. I know some place I’ll never be taking my pets. Anyway, it’s a moot point now and it’s time to move on.

It do think it was pretty funny that the guys at MopedU (the place we got our scooter) asked her to bring her resume by. So, we did that this morning. But enough with the day to day stuff, I’ve realized that I haven’t really done a posting about my progress on HRT for a while, so on to that.

I am about a month into HRT, my check up appointment is the first of May, Beltane, a major holiday for all of us Earthy Religion people. Which is interesting because my first appointment was on Ostara. (New Beginnings!)

The most obvious change is my voice. While my “talking” voice isn’t too much deeper it has lost all its femme lit. I can talk deeper in my chest, which is how I usually talk (when I’m not sick) and easily pass. I haven’t been called Ma’am, Miss, she, her, anything like that in, well it seems like forever. I’m loving it. One of my biggest issues when it came to passing isn’t so much an issue anymore. Knowing that I’m only a month into HRT leaves me the hope that I might end up with a nice tenor voice later down the road.

Second biggest change, which really isn’t extremely prominent, but noticeable, is my face. It’s not as round as it was before, and my facial structure is slightly more masculine. I’ve notice a slight increase in my facial hair and the speed in which it grows back. It isn’t much, but still enough to make me excited. This morning I did notice that I look like I have a “baby five o’clock shadow” on my upper lip. Soon I will have a sweet home grown ‘stache.

While I’ve found there are times when I’m stressed and there are times when I get pissed off, I can control it a lot better than before. I don’t lose my patience as much now as I did before and when I’m not sick, I am hungry almost constantly. I don’t think I’m gaining or losing any weight, I'd say it’s probably about the same as when I started, just my weight isn’t distributed the same as it was before.

I really can’t wait until I’m over whatever sickness that I have, and I can breath again without hacking up a lung. This has really put a damper on my training plans.

In August there’s a marathon going on in Fayetteville and I’d like to participate in it. For me it’s pretty exciting because I’ve never done anything like this before, but I have to get better first, because breathing is absolutely a necessity when you’re running a mile.

I’ve begun to save for my top surgery and I would like to have it done before the year is out. I really wanted to use the Google Adsense program as a way to save up money, but that isn’t an option as I think Google hates me because I’m too sexy. Right, because they absolutely look at my pictures. Anyway, I’ve started a fund raising account to help with my top surgery. If anyone is interested the link is http://www.gofundme.com/2mxzm4

So, there it is. I’m actually planning to make my next big step. Yes, the thought of surgery scares me, but the need to have my body match my mind…it’s more than just a need….

Away with the Sickness Already!!

Right. I know I’m a huge Disturbed fan, but I am sorry…I am just not Down with this Sickness, other kinds perhaps, just not the kind that leaves me gasping for breath like a fish out of water. The good news is, I am feeling much better and quite possibly will have the energy to keep up with my blogging once again.

I was supposed to be speaking in a panel this afternoon about Sex and Gender for one of my professor friends, however she is sick and had to reschedule, so I’ll now be speaking on Monday at 3 in Springdale. Basically I just tell the class about myself and then answer questions, doesn’t seem that hard really. It’s pretty much the same thing I do almost every day on my blog, minus the question asking.

I have to say, there are several things that have been floating around in the media over the past couple of days that have really been bothering me.

The Boston marathon, it was beyond horrible what happened and I cannot begin to fathom why someone would do such a thing, but I would like to point out how the people of Boston came together in the wake of such a horrific tragedy. Despite the fact that someone with an askew moral compass ended several lives and forever changed the lives of countless others, the community pulled together to show love and support for one another. Everyone was human; nothing more, nothing less. It amazes me though, to think that something horrible has to happen for a community to band together so closely and help each other.

Sure there are people ranting about terrorists being responsible and I’m sure the media is covering this like a pack of ravenous hyenas closing in on a kill, but I refuse to give people that commit such atrocities my attention. Maybe, if the media did the same for any event this detrimental then “Going out in a blaze of glory” wouldn’t be the norm here in the United States.

Another thing that has really gotten up my ire is the UFC fighter Matt Mitrione who said some rather nasty things about a fellow UFC fighter Fallon Fox. Like myself, Ms. Fox is transgender except she’s an MtF. Some of the stuff this asshat said about Fox was just downright hatful and ignorant. Yes, it really pissed me off. Rather than attempt to understand a fellow athlete this guy opened his mouth and let stupidity spill forth. Seriously, about half of what he did say really didn’t make sense, it was like he was talking out of his ass, which is, in fact, probably far better looking than his face. I don’t think this dude can even fathom what changes actually happen when someone undergoes HRT, especially so when they have completely transitioned. Either way, I have to give major props to the UFC who have suspended this guy indefinitely. They were quoted as having said, “The UFC is a friend and ally of the LGBT community, and expects and requires all 450 of its athletes to treat others with dignity and respect.” Major, major props UFC. Maybe now I’ll buy some of the cool shirts you mass produce.

Maybe not.

Anyway.

It was really nice to see an organization like this come out in support of the LGBT community.

By the way, Fallon Fox, yeah she’s hot.

So, I’m off to start the day finally. Apartment is clean, I’m almost done with my tea and we need to hike up to Moped U and grab a new scooter. Which both Emily and I are super excited about. Neither one of us have ever owned a new vehicle.

While the Neon isn’t completely dead, it’s dead beyond what we can put into it because I’m not allowed to work on cars in the apartment parking lot, so this was really our best course of action. It’s though the blessing of my wonderful Momma (Emily’s mother) that we’re able to do this. So, we’re off.