I am…invisible?

Years ago, before I came to terms with who and what I am, I was praying for invisibility more often than not. I didn’t want people to look at me, I didn’t want people to pay attention to me. I didn’t think that anything I said or did had any merit. This was partially because of the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands, or rather mouths, of my peers in high school, among other people. It was also partially because I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. For the longest time, I never knew there was a word to describe me other than freak. Knowing in my heart and in my mind that I was a guy while being stuck in a female body made things tough on me.

While I bound my chest and wore baggy clothing to conceal my female shape as best as possible, I still didn’t want people to notice me. I wanted to be completely invisible, and if anyone did see me, I wanted them to see a nobody. Someone that was so unimportant that they couldn’t be bothered to give the time of day to.

This theory worked for me, at least for a while, but I have to say I was still miserable. I would go to bed wishing that I would wake up in my proper body and that my life up to that point was just a bad dream. Of course when I did dream, I was always a male in my dreams. I always have been, at least when I am myself. There was a point in time, that this need not to be seen and the want to wake up in the right body caused me quite a bit of trouble. I couldn’t tell when I was asleep and when I was awake. When I would realize that I was awake I would become depressed and irritable.

Eventually, due to mood swings and nothing else, I was diagnosed with having bi-polar disorder, something that has completely gone away since I started transitioning. I’ve been told by a very reliable clinical psychologist and good friend, that I might not have had bi-polar to begin with, just gender identity disorder.

This all happened during a time I was praying for invisibility.

It was a gradual change in me, when I realized that I was not only happier, but better off mentally and emotionally when I stopped trying to pretend that I didn’t exist and that my problems were all in my head. My own mother had tried to convince me of the latter on several occasions, citing my depression as “just being in my head.”

As I’ve shed this cloak of invisibility and became more comfortable with myself and my self-image. I have begun to really learn who I am and what I can do, and I will say it is pretty amazing. I’m slowly getting over my social anxiety, and becoming more involved in the community.

I can understand a lot of people that are transsexuals wanting to hide from the world. To fight for their transition, but when it’s over try to disappear, to just meld into the masses of the so-called normal members of society. After all I tried to do it myself and only ended up hating what I was becoming.

I think that the people represented by the T in LGBTQ try to run away from their past as fast as they can transition and assimilate into the population, and that’s okay, but it’s not for me. I am a trans man and nothing is ever going to change that. Even after I have all the surgeries I plan and I’ve been on HRT for years, I’m still going to be a trans man. Nothing can ever make me a CIS man, and I will, until the day I die be somewhat incomplete.

I, however, refuse to be ashamed of who or what I am. I will proudly stand by my brothers and sisters in the Rainbow Soup, and I will represent the T. Even if I stand alone, I will know that someone stood up for my trans brothers and trans sisters who could not bring themselves to.