A few days

 

I know I haven’t written an update in a few days and to be honest I’m a little worn thin. Between the whole fiasco with the scooter and trying to find new transportation by having to walk almost everywhere I’m tired and in a little pain. Last Friday when the stupid scooter broke down and I ended up having to walk several miles, I think I twisted my right foot some how, probably when I almost fell over at Speakeasy because it was dark walking home and I didn’t see the culvert thing.

So, walking everywhere and not being able to keep off of it hasn’t really helped my foot along in the healing process, BUT I’m hoping that that changes after today. I’m not going to say anything and jinx myself, so I’ll wait until it actually pans out, and just say that I am lucky I have such a wonderful friend that was willing to come pick me up after wandering around Fayetteville for hours looking for a vehicle that I won’t have to work on every effing day.

The plans are after we get the transportation issue settled to go back to job hunting. It was really shitty timing that the Neon broke down in the first place, but that is in the past and is really a moot point now.

Tomorrow, we are going to be attending a peace rally here in Fayetteville, it will be on the corner of Dickson St. and College if anyone is interested, and will be from 4:00 until 6:00pm. Last night Emily, the boys and I sat down together and made signs for the rally while explaining to the boys what the rally was for and how the signs were a representation of their own personal believes that they wanted to share.

At this point.

At this point I want to pull out my hair. I’m going to end up having to return the scooter and get my money back leaving me searching for another form of transportation. We’re going to get another scooter or maybe even  a motorcycle.

I am so frustrated with this company right now. In my opinion they lack the customer service skills to be in business. Rather than recap again, I’m just going to copy and paste my mini rant from my Facebook account:

Okay so people don't think they have to return your call when they are trying to ass rape you over "business". Tomorrow morning I'll be returning my bike and accessories from MopedU and getting my money back. I retract my previous statement referring to them as a good company. Less than 48 hours after I had purchased my "brand new" V150 (which already had 47 miles on it) it broke down. The electric starter stopped working. Took it in, got it fixed. Later that night it broke down AGAIN and left me stranded and having to push a 200 pound scooter back to their store. A nice little 7 block hike that I am really not too fond of.

They were supposed to have it fixed on Saturday (the next day). It never happened, I've been given the run around since Saturday morning and haven't even been offered any real solution that was reasonable.

Today I was told they would have a new V150 for me either "today or tomorrow". Then I get a call back telling me it'll be FRIDAY before anything is done.

That's a week.

A FUCKING WEEK.

A week with no transportation.

They continued to dangle a "rental" moped in front of me and then renege on it several times over. A 50cc moped that tops out at 35mph DOES NOT COMPARE to a 150cc scooter that'll reach 55 mph.

I was offered the chance to get another scooter, but at this point I have completely lost all faith in this company, and honestly I think if I was to even try to get a different scooter it would probably break down, and this cycle would start all over again.

I find it hilarious that they have a listing up on craigslist that states they want to provide people with a product that doesn't break down, yet that is exactly what happened to me when I trusted them.

Seriously, these guys told me I wouldn't have to get insurance, tags or a motorcycle endorsement for my license even with the larger engine, and that was a huge lie. It's clear they have no real clue what the laws for mopeds or scooters are in Arkansas and just agree with whatever you say to get you to buy their scooters.

I'll admit I should have done the research myself beforehand, instead of trusting someone who just wants to make a buck.

Yes, it was a rather lengthy rant, the thing that really bothered me was the fact that I had to cancel all my weekend plans because of this problem and they went on all weekend posting about going to Razorback games and how they were in the shop, come on by, but they couldn’t be bothered to really try to get me any sort of transportation.

If I was the manager of the shop, I would have told my customer they could have any bike in the shop and I would have picked them up personally from their house. We were told we would have to walk to the store. . . walk…after we dropped $1200 for a new scooter that broke down 48 hours after purchase.

Riiiiight.

It’s bad enough we had to walk to pay all our bills today because…you guessed it, no transportation.

So, I would highly suggest that anyone looking for a scooter or moped avoid MopedU in Fayetteville, if nothing else but for their lack of knowledge and willingness to say anything to get you to buy their scooters/mopeds.

A huge let down.

In other news…

I was able to attend my panel today for a good friend of mine, she was wonderful enough to come pick me up during her break so that I could attend.

While I was a little nervous, I found it was actually quite easy to get up in front of people ( or rather sit) and talk about myself, any how I am a transsexual. I thought it was really quite fun, and I loved it.

I’m really enjoying becoming, or trying to become, more involved with the LGBT community and I’m finding that I’m making friends and talking to people easier now then before.

Looking back at the way I was before makes me wonder how people put up with me. I’m lucky though, I have friends now that care about me and that like me for me.

I couldn’t be happier.

Fitting In

Every so often I’ll have an off day, not really a bad day, just an off day. I don’t have bad days as often as I used to. Today, was an off day. While I’m having a lot of issue with my transportation that I shouldn’t be having and I am extremely angry about it, that’s not what caused me to be off.

I’ve had this happen to me before, when the little voice in the back of my head tells me I’ll never really fit in anywhere. I can usually strap Hello Kitty duct tape over its mouth and ignore it, but today…It was just over whelming. This is the voice that tells me I’ve never fit in as my birth sex and I’ll never fit in as my mental sex. It whispers to me that I’ll never be able to fully adapt to living as one or the other, but that I’ll always be a mixture of the two. While that would be okay with me if the world was a nicer place that understood people that are trans* that isn’t the case.

People don’t understand being trans* unless they themselves are. No matter how many different ways I try to explain it, explain myself, it is a rare occasion that anyone understands what I mean let alone completely understand. I’ve been with Emily for almost eight years and I don’t think that she completely understands. She’s got a better grasp of who and what I am than most people do, but she really doesn’t understand. It’s like trying to describe color to someone born without sight.

The hardest letter to represent in the Rainbow Soup is the T. People can understand being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, because they are just variations in sexual orientation. The person is completely fine with their born sex. They aren’t trapped in a gender prison of skin that they have to live with day in and day out until they are able to transition, IF they are able to transition.

Even if we are able to transition can we really lead anything close to a normal life? Imagine how hard it is for a trans* person trying to date after having SRS. How would that conversation even be breeched? “Oh by the way, I was born a guy/girl but I’ve transitioned?” I’m sure there can be times when it isn’t even talked about but I couldn’t keep something like that from my wife. Whether I like it or not, its part of who I am. Who I was born as. The fact that genetics fucked me over royally isn’t something I’m proud of, but I am proud of how I have chosen to deal with it. I’m proud that I am still here today, some 28 (almost 29) years later and that I’m finally transitioning into the man I was born to be.

Isn’t it funny…

Isn’t it funny how your impression of someone or rather something, like a company, can change drastically almost over night? A few days ago Emily and I bought a brand new moped with a nice 150cc engine in it from MopedU, a local store. I couldn’t have been happier with my purchase up until yesterday.

The day before yesterday, the electric start went out on the moped, which wasn’t that big of an issue because I could still ride it, I just had to kick start it. Not really a big deal it wasn’t that much trouble. Yesterday, I took it into the store, and they fixed it. Great! I was annoyed that it happened but like I said, it still wasn’t a big deal.

Last night, I had planned to take Emily to the top of Mt. Sequoia here in Fayetteville to watch the sun set together. Yes, it was a cheesy, romantic plan, but I knew she would love it. Well my plans came to a huge halt when we stopped at a stop sign near the top of the “mountain” and the engine completely died.

Hmmm.

I thought maybe, it was because we were on such a steep incline, so I pushed the moped onto more level ground, which wasn’t very easy considering the incline we were on to begin with. Tried to start it.

Nothing.

Getting a bit annoyed at this point, because we already had plans to be somewhere at 9:00, later that evening.

So I thought perhaps I needed to position the damned thing headed down the hill. Needless to say, that didn’t work either. We had to coast down the curvy hills to make it back closer into town, and then I had to push the moped back to the store.

I was supposed to have it fixed this morning, because at noon I was supposed to be at a park a mile and a half from my apartment to take pictures for the family picnic being hosted by the NWA Center for Equality.

It wasn’t ready this morning, and I had to hike the 1.5 miles to the park, and after having a huge panic attack because someone brought their doberman to the picnic I had to hike 1.5 miles home.

If I had wanted to walk everywhere, I would have saved the money I spent on the moped and used it for something else, like a new phone that doesn’t screw up on me, or a new computer seeing as mine isn’t doing so well. Hell I could have used that money to pay a month of rent, and install internet here after paying all my other bills.

Yes, I am pissed.

I am not happy.

I haven’t even been offered anything else to drive/ride while they are fiddling with my broken down moped. I haven’t even been given a time when the damned thing it supposed to be fixed.

So, when I’m ready to buy a new scooter for Emily and later for Eddie….I know some place that I won’t be going.

What A Night

Went out to Speakeasy tonight for their EDM Phase II. While I had a really good time, someone was wearing way too much whore-juice (purfume) making it really hard to breathe.  Couple that with the fact that I'm still getting over this ick and it wasn't a pretty picture.

On top of that, the scooer broke down. Yes, brand new scooter and bam, it just quit. I had planned on taking Emily to the top of Mt. Sequoia to watch the sun set and ended up pushing the scooter back to mopedu. So our night really didn't start out that well. The guys are supposed to have it fixed tomorrow, or atleast I hope so. Really sucks buying a new scooter and then it breaking down the third day we've had it. My feet are killing me from the hike first to mopedu with the scooter and then to Speakeasy and home afterwards.

I still hate public bathrooms no matter where they are. Well, maybe not hate so much as fear. I'm afraid I'll pee too loudly and someone would notice. I'm sure that's not really the case, but I'm still scared of them. It makes me wonder if I'll ever really fit in. Honestly, if I can't even use a public restroom...

I would think it would be easier for MtFs, but I'm sure it is just as scary.

In other news my phone is STILL messing up. On my fifth phone and its doing exactly the same thing as all the other ones. Lagging, locking, and completely freezing up. I'm sure it'll blue screen any day now and I'll be wthout a phone, because my carrier can't see fit to give me a different phone knowing thus one is shit. Oh well. Needless to say I am not a happy camper.

Rainy days

It was supposed to stop raining at 8 am this morning, I guess the weather didn’t get the memo, because it was still raining at 11am when we headed out to get the storage box put on the back of our new scooter. I guess it was a really good thing that Emily and I had both bought complete rain suits several months back. The real pain was the cold. It’s the middle of April and 44 degrees outside. Ew!

Emily ended up not getting the position at the veterinary clinic because they chose to hire someone else who knew people there. I think that was really shitty, but that’s how life goes I suppose. If you know people, regardless of your experience, professionalism, or in some cases lack thereof, you get hired on. Yeah, I’m thoroughly annoyed, because they wasted Emily’s time and led her on like she was definitely going to get the job. I know some place I’ll never be taking my pets. Anyway, it’s a moot point now and it’s time to move on.

It do think it was pretty funny that the guys at MopedU (the place we got our scooter) asked her to bring her resume by. So, we did that this morning. But enough with the day to day stuff, I’ve realized that I haven’t really done a posting about my progress on HRT for a while, so on to that.

I am about a month into HRT, my check up appointment is the first of May, Beltane, a major holiday for all of us Earthy Religion people. Which is interesting because my first appointment was on Ostara. (New Beginnings!)

The most obvious change is my voice. While my “talking” voice isn’t too much deeper it has lost all its femme lit. I can talk deeper in my chest, which is how I usually talk (when I’m not sick) and easily pass. I haven’t been called Ma’am, Miss, she, her, anything like that in, well it seems like forever. I’m loving it. One of my biggest issues when it came to passing isn’t so much an issue anymore. Knowing that I’m only a month into HRT leaves me the hope that I might end up with a nice tenor voice later down the road.

Second biggest change, which really isn’t extremely prominent, but noticeable, is my face. It’s not as round as it was before, and my facial structure is slightly more masculine. I’ve notice a slight increase in my facial hair and the speed in which it grows back. It isn’t much, but still enough to make me excited. This morning I did notice that I look like I have a “baby five o’clock shadow” on my upper lip. Soon I will have a sweet home grown ‘stache.

While I’ve found there are times when I’m stressed and there are times when I get pissed off, I can control it a lot better than before. I don’t lose my patience as much now as I did before and when I’m not sick, I am hungry almost constantly. I don’t think I’m gaining or losing any weight, I'd say it’s probably about the same as when I started, just my weight isn’t distributed the same as it was before.

I really can’t wait until I’m over whatever sickness that I have, and I can breath again without hacking up a lung. This has really put a damper on my training plans.

In August there’s a marathon going on in Fayetteville and I’d like to participate in it. For me it’s pretty exciting because I’ve never done anything like this before, but I have to get better first, because breathing is absolutely a necessity when you’re running a mile.

I’ve begun to save for my top surgery and I would like to have it done before the year is out. I really wanted to use the Google Adsense program as a way to save up money, but that isn’t an option as I think Google hates me because I’m too sexy. Right, because they absolutely look at my pictures. Anyway, I’ve started a fund raising account to help with my top surgery. If anyone is interested the link is http://www.gofundme.com/2mxzm4

So, there it is. I’m actually planning to make my next big step. Yes, the thought of surgery scares me, but the need to have my body match my mind…it’s more than just a need….

Away with the Sickness Already!!

Right. I know I’m a huge Disturbed fan, but I am sorry…I am just not Down with this Sickness, other kinds perhaps, just not the kind that leaves me gasping for breath like a fish out of water. The good news is, I am feeling much better and quite possibly will have the energy to keep up with my blogging once again.

I was supposed to be speaking in a panel this afternoon about Sex and Gender for one of my professor friends, however she is sick and had to reschedule, so I’ll now be speaking on Monday at 3 in Springdale. Basically I just tell the class about myself and then answer questions, doesn’t seem that hard really. It’s pretty much the same thing I do almost every day on my blog, minus the question asking.

I have to say, there are several things that have been floating around in the media over the past couple of days that have really been bothering me.

The Boston marathon, it was beyond horrible what happened and I cannot begin to fathom why someone would do such a thing, but I would like to point out how the people of Boston came together in the wake of such a horrific tragedy. Despite the fact that someone with an askew moral compass ended several lives and forever changed the lives of countless others, the community pulled together to show love and support for one another. Everyone was human; nothing more, nothing less. It amazes me though, to think that something horrible has to happen for a community to band together so closely and help each other.

Sure there are people ranting about terrorists being responsible and I’m sure the media is covering this like a pack of ravenous hyenas closing in on a kill, but I refuse to give people that commit such atrocities my attention. Maybe, if the media did the same for any event this detrimental then “Going out in a blaze of glory” wouldn’t be the norm here in the United States.

Another thing that has really gotten up my ire is the UFC fighter Matt Mitrione who said some rather nasty things about a fellow UFC fighter Fallon Fox. Like myself, Ms. Fox is transgender except she’s an MtF. Some of the stuff this asshat said about Fox was just downright hatful and ignorant. Yes, it really pissed me off. Rather than attempt to understand a fellow athlete this guy opened his mouth and let stupidity spill forth. Seriously, about half of what he did say really didn’t make sense, it was like he was talking out of his ass, which is, in fact, probably far better looking than his face. I don’t think this dude can even fathom what changes actually happen when someone undergoes HRT, especially so when they have completely transitioned. Either way, I have to give major props to the UFC who have suspended this guy indefinitely. They were quoted as having said, “The UFC is a friend and ally of the LGBT community, and expects and requires all 450 of its athletes to treat others with dignity and respect.” Major, major props UFC. Maybe now I’ll buy some of the cool shirts you mass produce.

Maybe not.

Anyway.

It was really nice to see an organization like this come out in support of the LGBT community.

By the way, Fallon Fox, yeah she’s hot.

So, I’m off to start the day finally. Apartment is clean, I’m almost done with my tea and we need to hike up to Moped U and grab a new scooter. Which both Emily and I are super excited about. Neither one of us have ever owned a new vehicle.

While the Neon isn’t completely dead, it’s dead beyond what we can put into it because I’m not allowed to work on cars in the apartment parking lot, so this was really our best course of action. It’s though the blessing of my wonderful Momma (Emily’s mother) that we’re able to do this. So, we’re off.

Out with it already!

For the love of all things holy and some things that aren’t. I wish that I could kick this cold/flu/whatever the fuck it is making breathing nearly an impossible feat. No, it isn’t so bad that I need to go to the ER, it’s just frustrating that it’s such a pain to pant every three feet I walk. I want to start training for a marathon that I want to run this August and I can’t do that when I can’t breath.

While I have been able to catch up on some reading and begin watching Supernatural from Season one, this bed rest thing is really getting annoying. If I could just get out what is stuck in my lungs like clinging little leeches then I would be fine. I’ve tried about three different over the counter medicines and the only thing that helps at all is Mucinex which takes like berry flavored asshole. Sorry, but it’s the truth. At least I think it’s the truth, not that I’ve ever tasted berry flavored asshole, but if I had indeed tasted it, I imagine it would taste exactly like this crap that I’ve been choking down. I’ve been keeping myself hydrated so I don’t shrivel up and blow away with the wind. (Not that even hurricane strength winds could blow me away right now.)

I did manage to walk up to the library earlier and sit in outside for a while which was rather nice. I enjoyed the fresh air and being outside, a wonderful change from the confines of my bedroom in which Emily has trapped me. I swear if I was to leave the room she would attack me, bludgeon me over the head and drag me back inside after which she would promptly duct tape me to the bed and sit on me. It took me a while to convince her we should walk up to the library and that the fresh air would be good for me.

Anyway, about the marathon. It’s on August 3rd, which is a good few months away and I think it would be a great opportunity for me to really get into shape and have fun. I’ve never done anything like this before but I’m feeling adventurous and perhaps just a little insane, but then again when aren’t I a tad bit insane? Honestly? Probably never. So, I’m going to do it. Once I kick this ick I’ll start training for it.

Well fuck you too asshole…

Maybe I’m just a little over sensitive because I’m sick, (Right now, I can’t even talk, I only manage whispered squeaks when I want to verbally communicate with anyone.) but it really pisses me off when people text or message me only when they want something from me.

There’s a person that I have tried being friendly with since I met them, I’ve offered for them to come over and hang out, yet four times I’ve been left hanging every single time. The only time this person ever texts me is when they want to just lead me along on a merry goose chase. It’s clear they are just leading me on and blowing me off, and after four times it’s really starting to piss me off.

On top of this crap my car has died and now we have to get another for of transportation. We are trying to get a moped/scooter thing from a local store here in town. We’ll be looking into that tomorrow, maybe then I’ll be able to talk. I’ve been eating Luden’s all day, eating hot and sour soup and drinking lots of water while watching a Supernatural marathon, so hopefully that will work.

I’m worried about money yet again, because of the car breaking down, but I’m trying not to stress about it too much because it will just make me sicker. On the bright side of things, we are within walking distance of pretty much everything we need until we do get another form of transportation.

So, while I’m in a sick pissy mood, there is still a silver lining I suppose.

Playing Catch Up…Again

 

So I haven’t posted in the past few days, shame on me. I’ve been not only busy but it would seem that yesterday I managed to get myself sick. Great timing huh? Seeing as I have company all this week. I had to cancel plans for a dinner party tonight which really upset me, but I don’t know if whatever I have is contagious and I would rather not get my friends sick.

So, yesterday I managed to find myself one of the few pieces of furniture I’ve always wanted, a roll-top desk! It was only $15.00 which was a major steal, even though it’s a smaller one. I am in love with it! So I tied it to the roof of my car like I’ve done everything else while moving and made the trek home. Getting it up the stairs was an adventure and being grumpy and sick I was in a fussy mood. Luckily one of the neighbors helped me get it up the stairs when Emily couldn’t and it’s now sitting in my living room full of books, papers and everything a fledgling author needs to pen a wonderful work of insanity.

This morning I leave the house to finish getting the supplies I needed for the dinner party, which I had to cancel. I get to the store (Wal-Mart….I will never shop there again.) and after the fiasco at the self-check out in which the machine when screwy and no one could be bothered to fix it, I walked out leaving my supplies at the counter. When I got into my car and tried to turn the engine over… nothing happened. That’s right. It would seem that my starter decided to stop working on me. Needless to say, I was pissed. I ended up walking the several mile hike home while Emily called the tow truck to have the damned thing towed home. Sadly enough, I beat her home by almost thirty minutes.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve managed to somehow twist my foot or something while walking home in flip-flops, because now the bottom of my right foot has a shooting pain whenever I put pressure on it.

AND, on top of it all today, I had to listen to bass so loud it could be heard from two blocks away and inside my apartment while some frat boys partied. This kept up from 6 or 7 tonight until 10. I’m finding it extremely hard to keep my temper right now.

Emily wants me to go to the ER because of the fact that I’m having a little trouble breathing, but I don’t want to deal with the doctors fusing about me being a transsexual. I would possibly lose it on one of them if I was treated in a disrespectful manner, which would really not be a good thing. I get rather pissy when I get sick, because I rarely get sick at all.

On the plus side of things, I’m beginning to see some effects of the HRT. My facial hair, while still extremely sparse, is more than what I had before. My face is also thinning out some, but like a few other things, that could be because I’m working out. My major “personal” issue that I was having is FINALLY starting to go away. My voice crackles a lot as of lately, and has really started to deepen. I don’t have to work anymore to make my voice passable. If I restrain from getting too over excited my voice doesn’t sound feminine at all.

I haven’t been called anything other than Sir by strangers since the third day of my HRT which, of course, makes me happier than I could ever express.

I haven’t heard from my parents in a while, and while it makes me sad, I know it’s not me, it’s them. They have my phone number and can call when they want…It does hurt, but I’ve realized that I can’t live my life according to how others want me to. I am an adult, and while people don’t agree with my decisions, I hope that they can respect them. If they can’t do that, then I don’t want, nor do I need them in my life.

I suppose that is my biggest bit of advice for anyone thinking about anything that other people are against, like transitioning. It’s your life, you are going to have to live with yourself everyday for the rest of your life. If it makes you happy, or makes you feel whole, then do it. Don’t put your life on hold for people that refuse to respect your decisions as an adult. In the end, it will just make you miserable, not them.

In other news, having my soon-to-be mother-in-law around is really nice. We’ve all been having a wonderful time, and we have been able to show her some of the beautiful areas here in Northwest Arkansas, such as Devil’s Den. Tomorrow we are going to drive up to Eureka Springs and show her that area. She had been amazed at the beauty here, just like we were when we first moved here.

It’s a nice feeling to finally find a place that we can not only call home, but also feels like home. It’s wonderful finally making friends and actually living life rather than hiding away all the time.

MIA for the next week

So yesterday my mother in law to be arrived in Fayetteville safe and sound. During the next week I may be a little lax in my posting. I will try to make updates but I can't promise anything.

I will make a post at the end of the week for a recap. :)

Missed

A couple of hours ago, I realized that I forgot to make a post for last night. I’ve been really busy these last couple of days trying my best to get the apartment in order. The entire front room was full of totes and boxes. I still have no clue where I’m going to put half of the stuff we have. Emily and I both lost our desks when we had to move out of “my parent’s house”. Yes, I am still a little bitter about that whole order, though I am getting better.

So I have several totes full of items that belong on my desk, that now only have a small corner desk to fit on. We have totes full of books and movies that have no bookshelf to go on, and our sofa in an inflatable on that pulls out into an airbed. It really was pretty neat until the cats saw fit to sharpen their claws on it.

Tomorrow afternoon Dreama will be here and I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want the place to look like a total mess, but we’re still trying to sort through our belongings. To make things tougher, our fridge died yesterday and everything we had in it went along with it. When we texted our landlord we were told he would be here on Monday, so we’ve had to go without a fridge for the past day and a half.

We’re still working on getting everything changed over to our new place. While we’re supposed to have free Wi-Fi here, I can only get signal in the bedroom which really makes it hard to work on anything productive, like essays or my book. So, we are going to try to get out own internet once we have all the bills straightened out.

I don’t know why but Google doesn’t want to let me participate in the AdSense program, so I’m going to try to find another way that I can generate income through my writing.

Moving is so…

Exhausting, plain and simple. Fastening large pieces of furniture to the roof of my Neon is always such a fun thing to do. We have most of our storage unit cleared out and moved into our new apartment. I’m fairly sure I can fit everything that’s left in one car load. I am looking forward to finally being done with moving, and then it’s on to unpacking everything.

We’re really excited because on Monday, Emily’s mother should be arriving in Fayetteville for a week long visit! We haven’t seen her in a long time and we are stoked. We’re having dinner with a few friends on Friday, which makes me a bit nervous because I’ll be cooking for a decent size group.

I love to cook, and I love cooking for others. There’s nothing like a good home cooked meal to bring friends and family together for good times. I still haven’t decided on what to make yet, but I have a week to come up with something. I can cook from any recipe like a boss and make it my own. I suppose it’s a culinary gift.

I’ve noticed that my arms are a bit more muscular, and my chest is a little flatter than when I first started HRT. I think that’s a combination of not only the HRT but also my working out with weights. Seeing some sort of result in just three weeks really makes me want to work out more. I really can’t believe I said it, but I did. I’m actually enjoying working out.

We are seriously considering keeping both of the boys out of public school and continuing to homeschool them. If not both, then at least just the Monkey. He’s different than most other children, and when I say that I don’t mean he doesn’t like his foods touching or likes to eat paste or something. He likes the color pink, which caused a big issue at his last school, and he likes to dress like a girl at times. I can see the latter being a huge issue if he decided that he wanted to go to school dressed like that. A lot of kids and even teachers wouldn’t understand. At times I find myself wondering if the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree. I refuse to force him to adhere to any “gender protocol” though, he is free to dress in whatever he wants, and I will ALWAYS be there to support his choices, just like the other two brats. As long as they aren’t doing something completely stupid, then I will always be there to support their decisions. I think as adults, we tend to forget that children are people too.

Not too much of a post for tonight, and I guarantee there wasn’t too much intelligence put behind it. I’m a truly exhausted and ready to make sweet, sweet snoring love to my bed.

I am…invisible?

Years ago, before I came to terms with who and what I am, I was praying for invisibility more often than not. I didn’t want people to look at me, I didn’t want people to pay attention to me. I didn’t think that anything I said or did had any merit. This was partially because of the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands, or rather mouths, of my peers in high school, among other people. It was also partially because I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. For the longest time, I never knew there was a word to describe me other than freak. Knowing in my heart and in my mind that I was a guy while being stuck in a female body made things tough on me.

While I bound my chest and wore baggy clothing to conceal my female shape as best as possible, I still didn’t want people to notice me. I wanted to be completely invisible, and if anyone did see me, I wanted them to see a nobody. Someone that was so unimportant that they couldn’t be bothered to give the time of day to.

This theory worked for me, at least for a while, but I have to say I was still miserable. I would go to bed wishing that I would wake up in my proper body and that my life up to that point was just a bad dream. Of course when I did dream, I was always a male in my dreams. I always have been, at least when I am myself. There was a point in time, that this need not to be seen and the want to wake up in the right body caused me quite a bit of trouble. I couldn’t tell when I was asleep and when I was awake. When I would realize that I was awake I would become depressed and irritable.

Eventually, due to mood swings and nothing else, I was diagnosed with having bi-polar disorder, something that has completely gone away since I started transitioning. I’ve been told by a very reliable clinical psychologist and good friend, that I might not have had bi-polar to begin with, just gender identity disorder.

This all happened during a time I was praying for invisibility.

It was a gradual change in me, when I realized that I was not only happier, but better off mentally and emotionally when I stopped trying to pretend that I didn’t exist and that my problems were all in my head. My own mother had tried to convince me of the latter on several occasions, citing my depression as “just being in my head.”

As I’ve shed this cloak of invisibility and became more comfortable with myself and my self-image. I have begun to really learn who I am and what I can do, and I will say it is pretty amazing. I’m slowly getting over my social anxiety, and becoming more involved in the community.

I can understand a lot of people that are transsexuals wanting to hide from the world. To fight for their transition, but when it’s over try to disappear, to just meld into the masses of the so-called normal members of society. After all I tried to do it myself and only ended up hating what I was becoming.

I think that the people represented by the T in LGBTQ try to run away from their past as fast as they can transition and assimilate into the population, and that’s okay, but it’s not for me. I am a trans man and nothing is ever going to change that. Even after I have all the surgeries I plan and I’ve been on HRT for years, I’m still going to be a trans man. Nothing can ever make me a CIS man, and I will, until the day I die be somewhat incomplete.

I, however, refuse to be ashamed of who or what I am. I will proudly stand by my brothers and sisters in the Rainbow Soup, and I will represent the T. Even if I stand alone, I will know that someone stood up for my trans brothers and trans sisters who could not bring themselves to.

So Much for the United States Constitution

So as I’m wandering around the net during the day as I often do looking for tasty bits of knowledge to fill my downtime I came across an article that stated North Carolina is seeking to establish a state religion. At first I couldn’t believe what I was reading, surely this had to a be a horrible late April Fool’s joke, right? Nope. It’s real.

Two Republican representatives from North Carolina sponsored this bout of idiocy which clearly goes against our First Amendment right, granted in the United States Constitution. Here’s the thing though, the people backing this bill are stating that the United States Constitution is little more than toilet paper in good old North Carolina.

Section one of this bill reads:

The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.

In section two the bill goes on to say:

The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.

So basically these so called representatives of North Carolina don’t feel their state has to follow the same guidelines and rules as the other states set forth by the United States Constitution. The jest of the bill is to A) allow North Carolina to declare an official religion and B) nullify any federal ruling against Christian bodies in the state of North Carolina.

Have these law makers never heard of the separation of church and state? I didn’t think another state could beat out Arkansas for having the biggest assclowns in office, but clearly I was wrong. These guys from North Carolina take the assclown cake.

To make matters worse, the Racial Justice Act was recently repealed allowing executions to be restarted in North Carolina, what the hell is this state being run by? Members of the Ku Klux Klan!?

Of course Carl Ford (one of the sponsors) says that this bill is “only intended to allow Rowan county commissioners to open their meeting with prayers, not establish a state religion.” Funny, every time I read back over section one I can’t help but notice the part about the US Constitution having no right to prohibit a state from establishing a religion.

Fed Up.

 

Jason Rapert. Where do I begin with this guy? Well tonight I’m just going to cover a “note of thanks” he sent to all his Facebook followers. Just reading it gives me a migraine and makes me wonder if he’s even read the United State Constitution.

“Don’t ever feel sorry for me that people try to intimidate, threaten and ridicule me for being a Christian public official that believes is is important to give God the glory and vote for principles that uphold a moral standard in our nation.”

Is that the biggest run-on sentence you’ve seen in your life or what? I am left to surmise that there is, in fact, no educational requirements for being a representative for Arkansas. However, it would appear that being an asshat that doesn’t know the difference between church and state is indeed a requirement.

He goes on to say in his “little” note:

“ The values I support are those that our Founding Fathers wove into the fabric of our great Republic in our founding documents – the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the United States Constitution.”

Founding fathers and founding documents!? Oh snap that’s a lot of finding going on, but apparently this guy couldn’t find his ass with both hands. I guess Rapert also supports slavery and cross-dressing since that’s what our “founding fathers” did.

Rapert also claims that “secular humanists” have silenced prayers in schools, made it legal to kill unborn children and attacked any recognition of Jesus during Christmas.

Really?!

Since when was this country the United States of Christianity. The First Amendment to the United States Constitution aka Bill of Rights, a document that he proclaims to protect the values of, gives the freedom of religion. It does not say “Freedom of religion as long as it is Christian”, it states:

“The Congress shall make no law representing an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceable to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

Oh my, looks like Congress shall make NO LAW supporting or discriminating against any one religion, and that would include Christianity. So keep your Christian morals out of my laws.

As for abortion; yes, it’s legal and no, I don’t like it. My problem is the fact the state can say it is perfectly fine to murder someone if the judicial system can condone it but it’s not okay to have an abortion. Make up your mind, either you support murder or you don’t. Also another Christian ideal that is being forced on the people. There are several religions that believe in an taking justice into their own hands and that doesn’t include a group of peers sitting around talking about what may or may not have happened. Here’s the problem, lawyers want to get paid, they want a high conviction rate (as prosecutors) and they are willing to send innocent people to prison because of this. It’s happened before.

As for the Jesus and Christmas thing, Jesus wasn’t born in December. During the rise of Christianity it was feared that the Pagans would gain power once again, so in order for the rulers (who were Christian) to subdue the Pagan faiths they melded the holidays and celebrations of “The Church” and the Pagans together. Christmas has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus but rather the Feast of Midas which was a week long celebration beginning around Yule (December 21st). It was nothing more than a drunken spree of gluttony, something that was outlawed by the Puritans when they first immigrated to America.

I could really go on for hours, but I’m leaving it at that for tonight. Emily had a job interview today at a vet clinic in Rogers and she’s excited that she might get the position. Other than that my day’s been nothing out of the ordinary. I did get a library card today and until I get reliable internet at home I’ll probably be spending more time there. I’ve taken a liking to this type of blogging so I might split my blogs and just pick up another for this kind of blogging while keeping my personal/transitional blog.

Tomorrow I get to take another shot in the ass and Emily has tests so I bid you all a good night, 5am comes too early.

A Whole Lot of Controversy *Mature Content*

 

Tonight I’m in a mood, not a bad mood, nor a good mood, just a mood in general. I would like to cover a couple of people that I have been seeing a bit of today, Sue Everhart and Thomas Beastie. For those of you that don’t know who they are, I’ll cover that in my rants, rest assured.

So, on to the first topic, Sue Everhart.

Sue Everhart is a GOP Chairwoman from Georgia who has proclaimed if same-sex marriages are legalized it will cause all sorts of fraud. She seems to think that people of the same sex will begin to marry each other solely for the purpose of having health insurance causing a scheme of fraud unlike which we have ever seen before.

At this point I would like to point out if straight people wanted health insurance through means like this, all they have to do is marry each other, which is of course already legal.

Ms. Everhart even went as far as admitting that she didn’t understand how two gay people could have sex, stating “If it was natural, they would have the equipment to have a sexual relationship.”

If it was natural…

I could go on for hours naming all the unnatural things that your average straight human being does, and most of them aren’t illegal or fraudulent.

Also, generally speaking, the term “gay” is used to describe a man that is sexually attracted to another man. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that a man is only one hole less than a female, who have three perfectly good holes for intercourse.

Either this lady is naïve, to think that gay guys don’t take it up the ass or give oral, or she’s downright stupid.

Why in the hell is this woman even trying to picture two gay guys having sex in the first place?

Why does sex have to be the basis of a relationship?

My theory about Ms. Everhart…She’s never had the Big “O'” in her entire life and thinks women should subjugate themselves to their husbands for dutiful sex as needed.

Now on to Thomas Beatie.

Oh my, where should I begin.

Does anyone remember the man that gave birth back several years ago?

That’s Thomas Beatie.

Beatie is a transsexual male, that underwent HRT, had a double mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery during his transition. Not out of the average to be honest. Then he got married to his current wife, again not out of the ordinary. After that, Beatie decided that because his wife couldn’t conceive he was going to do it himself.

A total what the fuck moment but still, to each their own. I would have adopted one of the many children in foster care, but that is just me. I can understand wanting a child that is your own flesh and blood, but technically if his wife had been able to conceive then the child wouldn’t have been his anyway.

There was a huge scandal about Beatie giving birth (for the first time) and then he pretty much fell out of the media’s crosshairs until recently. Recently Beatie and his wife filed for divorce and were denied.

When I first saw the story I thought that the judge was being a prick, but then I read more about the case. It would seem that after the above mentioned transitioning modifications Beatie stopped transitioning and had three children. Yes, not just one, but three!

I can understand wanting a family and having babies, but as a trans man myself, I cannot understand beginning to transition, getting half-way there and then stopping everything just to mass produce offspring of my own. Like I said before, I would adopt, which is really what Emily and I plan to do when we are finally settled down.

The judge presiding over this case has denied the Beaties a divorce on the basis that Thomas could not prove that he was a transsexual male  at the time of the marriage (because he has given birth THREE times since then) and citing that Arizona doesn’t allow same-sex marriages, therefore in the eyes of the state the marriage was invalid to begin with.

So, like any good attention whore Beatie has found his way back into the spotlight, throwing a fit because a judge has refused to issue a divorce. I know that I am going to catch a lot of hell for this, but I side with the judge. This is why:

1) Arizona doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage, because Beatie stopped efforts to transition and from what it looks like never resumed them, he technically isn’t considered a trans man. From the looks of it, (according to the info I have found. If I am wrong, please someone let me know.) Beatie simply changed the gender marker on his driver’s license and nothing else. He couldn’t be considered No-Op because he was on HRT and had chest reconstruction. This is being technical, and looking at the case from a legal stand point rather than an emotional one.

2) Beatie gave birth not once, not twice, but three times after proclaiming to be trans and starting transitioning. Men don’t give birth. That’s one of those special things that women can do. I’ve been there, done that, but it was before I came out as being trans. It was during a time in my life when I was trying to convince myself that I was something or someone I’m not. When I made the decision to begin HRT I also made the decision to never have anymore biological children.  This is also a point the judge has made. Beatie can still give birth like most women can. Men cannot just pop out kids. Even trans men that haven’t had bottom surgery don’t go around giving birth.

Seriously, this guy pisses me off. It’s hard enough being trans without someone making a mockery out of it while being an attention whore.

Here is my question though, if the judge has already deemed the marriage invalid because it is being viewed as a same-sex marriage, then why is there still an issue?

I’m sure this is a very fine line to walk, but according to the current laws, I believe the judge is in the right.

I’m not saying that I support these laws or support DOMA for that matter, because I don’t. I’m just saying that I feel the judge ruled correctly in accordance to the current statues of the law.