Out with it already!

For the love of all things holy and some things that aren’t. I wish that I could kick this cold/flu/whatever the fuck it is making breathing nearly an impossible feat. No, it isn’t so bad that I need to go to the ER, it’s just frustrating that it’s such a pain to pant every three feet I walk. I want to start training for a marathon that I want to run this August and I can’t do that when I can’t breath.

While I have been able to catch up on some reading and begin watching Supernatural from Season one, this bed rest thing is really getting annoying. If I could just get out what is stuck in my lungs like clinging little leeches then I would be fine. I’ve tried about three different over the counter medicines and the only thing that helps at all is Mucinex which takes like berry flavored asshole. Sorry, but it’s the truth. At least I think it’s the truth, not that I’ve ever tasted berry flavored asshole, but if I had indeed tasted it, I imagine it would taste exactly like this crap that I’ve been choking down. I’ve been keeping myself hydrated so I don’t shrivel up and blow away with the wind. (Not that even hurricane strength winds could blow me away right now.)

I did manage to walk up to the library earlier and sit in outside for a while which was rather nice. I enjoyed the fresh air and being outside, a wonderful change from the confines of my bedroom in which Emily has trapped me. I swear if I was to leave the room she would attack me, bludgeon me over the head and drag me back inside after which she would promptly duct tape me to the bed and sit on me. It took me a while to convince her we should walk up to the library and that the fresh air would be good for me.

Anyway, about the marathon. It’s on August 3rd, which is a good few months away and I think it would be a great opportunity for me to really get into shape and have fun. I’ve never done anything like this before but I’m feeling adventurous and perhaps just a little insane, but then again when aren’t I a tad bit insane? Honestly? Probably never. So, I’m going to do it. Once I kick this ick I’ll start training for it.

Well fuck you too asshole…

Maybe I’m just a little over sensitive because I’m sick, (Right now, I can’t even talk, I only manage whispered squeaks when I want to verbally communicate with anyone.) but it really pisses me off when people text or message me only when they want something from me.

There’s a person that I have tried being friendly with since I met them, I’ve offered for them to come over and hang out, yet four times I’ve been left hanging every single time. The only time this person ever texts me is when they want to just lead me along on a merry goose chase. It’s clear they are just leading me on and blowing me off, and after four times it’s really starting to piss me off.

On top of this crap my car has died and now we have to get another for of transportation. We are trying to get a moped/scooter thing from a local store here in town. We’ll be looking into that tomorrow, maybe then I’ll be able to talk. I’ve been eating Luden’s all day, eating hot and sour soup and drinking lots of water while watching a Supernatural marathon, so hopefully that will work.

I’m worried about money yet again, because of the car breaking down, but I’m trying not to stress about it too much because it will just make me sicker. On the bright side of things, we are within walking distance of pretty much everything we need until we do get another form of transportation.

So, while I’m in a sick pissy mood, there is still a silver lining I suppose.

Playing Catch Up…Again

 

So I haven’t posted in the past few days, shame on me. I’ve been not only busy but it would seem that yesterday I managed to get myself sick. Great timing huh? Seeing as I have company all this week. I had to cancel plans for a dinner party tonight which really upset me, but I don’t know if whatever I have is contagious and I would rather not get my friends sick.

So, yesterday I managed to find myself one of the few pieces of furniture I’ve always wanted, a roll-top desk! It was only $15.00 which was a major steal, even though it’s a smaller one. I am in love with it! So I tied it to the roof of my car like I’ve done everything else while moving and made the trek home. Getting it up the stairs was an adventure and being grumpy and sick I was in a fussy mood. Luckily one of the neighbors helped me get it up the stairs when Emily couldn’t and it’s now sitting in my living room full of books, papers and everything a fledgling author needs to pen a wonderful work of insanity.

This morning I leave the house to finish getting the supplies I needed for the dinner party, which I had to cancel. I get to the store (Wal-Mart….I will never shop there again.) and after the fiasco at the self-check out in which the machine when screwy and no one could be bothered to fix it, I walked out leaving my supplies at the counter. When I got into my car and tried to turn the engine over… nothing happened. That’s right. It would seem that my starter decided to stop working on me. Needless to say, I was pissed. I ended up walking the several mile hike home while Emily called the tow truck to have the damned thing towed home. Sadly enough, I beat her home by almost thirty minutes.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve managed to somehow twist my foot or something while walking home in flip-flops, because now the bottom of my right foot has a shooting pain whenever I put pressure on it.

AND, on top of it all today, I had to listen to bass so loud it could be heard from two blocks away and inside my apartment while some frat boys partied. This kept up from 6 or 7 tonight until 10. I’m finding it extremely hard to keep my temper right now.

Emily wants me to go to the ER because of the fact that I’m having a little trouble breathing, but I don’t want to deal with the doctors fusing about me being a transsexual. I would possibly lose it on one of them if I was treated in a disrespectful manner, which would really not be a good thing. I get rather pissy when I get sick, because I rarely get sick at all.

On the plus side of things, I’m beginning to see some effects of the HRT. My facial hair, while still extremely sparse, is more than what I had before. My face is also thinning out some, but like a few other things, that could be because I’m working out. My major “personal” issue that I was having is FINALLY starting to go away. My voice crackles a lot as of lately, and has really started to deepen. I don’t have to work anymore to make my voice passable. If I restrain from getting too over excited my voice doesn’t sound feminine at all.

I haven’t been called anything other than Sir by strangers since the third day of my HRT which, of course, makes me happier than I could ever express.

I haven’t heard from my parents in a while, and while it makes me sad, I know it’s not me, it’s them. They have my phone number and can call when they want…It does hurt, but I’ve realized that I can’t live my life according to how others want me to. I am an adult, and while people don’t agree with my decisions, I hope that they can respect them. If they can’t do that, then I don’t want, nor do I need them in my life.

I suppose that is my biggest bit of advice for anyone thinking about anything that other people are against, like transitioning. It’s your life, you are going to have to live with yourself everyday for the rest of your life. If it makes you happy, or makes you feel whole, then do it. Don’t put your life on hold for people that refuse to respect your decisions as an adult. In the end, it will just make you miserable, not them.

In other news, having my soon-to-be mother-in-law around is really nice. We’ve all been having a wonderful time, and we have been able to show her some of the beautiful areas here in Northwest Arkansas, such as Devil’s Den. Tomorrow we are going to drive up to Eureka Springs and show her that area. She had been amazed at the beauty here, just like we were when we first moved here.

It’s a nice feeling to finally find a place that we can not only call home, but also feels like home. It’s wonderful finally making friends and actually living life rather than hiding away all the time.

MIA for the next week

So yesterday my mother in law to be arrived in Fayetteville safe and sound. During the next week I may be a little lax in my posting. I will try to make updates but I can't promise anything.

I will make a post at the end of the week for a recap. :)

Missed

A couple of hours ago, I realized that I forgot to make a post for last night. I’ve been really busy these last couple of days trying my best to get the apartment in order. The entire front room was full of totes and boxes. I still have no clue where I’m going to put half of the stuff we have. Emily and I both lost our desks when we had to move out of “my parent’s house”. Yes, I am still a little bitter about that whole order, though I am getting better.

So I have several totes full of items that belong on my desk, that now only have a small corner desk to fit on. We have totes full of books and movies that have no bookshelf to go on, and our sofa in an inflatable on that pulls out into an airbed. It really was pretty neat until the cats saw fit to sharpen their claws on it.

Tomorrow afternoon Dreama will be here and I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want the place to look like a total mess, but we’re still trying to sort through our belongings. To make things tougher, our fridge died yesterday and everything we had in it went along with it. When we texted our landlord we were told he would be here on Monday, so we’ve had to go without a fridge for the past day and a half.

We’re still working on getting everything changed over to our new place. While we’re supposed to have free Wi-Fi here, I can only get signal in the bedroom which really makes it hard to work on anything productive, like essays or my book. So, we are going to try to get out own internet once we have all the bills straightened out.

I don’t know why but Google doesn’t want to let me participate in the AdSense program, so I’m going to try to find another way that I can generate income through my writing.

Moving is so…

Exhausting, plain and simple. Fastening large pieces of furniture to the roof of my Neon is always such a fun thing to do. We have most of our storage unit cleared out and moved into our new apartment. I’m fairly sure I can fit everything that’s left in one car load. I am looking forward to finally being done with moving, and then it’s on to unpacking everything.

We’re really excited because on Monday, Emily’s mother should be arriving in Fayetteville for a week long visit! We haven’t seen her in a long time and we are stoked. We’re having dinner with a few friends on Friday, which makes me a bit nervous because I’ll be cooking for a decent size group.

I love to cook, and I love cooking for others. There’s nothing like a good home cooked meal to bring friends and family together for good times. I still haven’t decided on what to make yet, but I have a week to come up with something. I can cook from any recipe like a boss and make it my own. I suppose it’s a culinary gift.

I’ve noticed that my arms are a bit more muscular, and my chest is a little flatter than when I first started HRT. I think that’s a combination of not only the HRT but also my working out with weights. Seeing some sort of result in just three weeks really makes me want to work out more. I really can’t believe I said it, but I did. I’m actually enjoying working out.

We are seriously considering keeping both of the boys out of public school and continuing to homeschool them. If not both, then at least just the Monkey. He’s different than most other children, and when I say that I don’t mean he doesn’t like his foods touching or likes to eat paste or something. He likes the color pink, which caused a big issue at his last school, and he likes to dress like a girl at times. I can see the latter being a huge issue if he decided that he wanted to go to school dressed like that. A lot of kids and even teachers wouldn’t understand. At times I find myself wondering if the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree. I refuse to force him to adhere to any “gender protocol” though, he is free to dress in whatever he wants, and I will ALWAYS be there to support his choices, just like the other two brats. As long as they aren’t doing something completely stupid, then I will always be there to support their decisions. I think as adults, we tend to forget that children are people too.

Not too much of a post for tonight, and I guarantee there wasn’t too much intelligence put behind it. I’m a truly exhausted and ready to make sweet, sweet snoring love to my bed.

I am…invisible?

Years ago, before I came to terms with who and what I am, I was praying for invisibility more often than not. I didn’t want people to look at me, I didn’t want people to pay attention to me. I didn’t think that anything I said or did had any merit. This was partially because of the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands, or rather mouths, of my peers in high school, among other people. It was also partially because I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. For the longest time, I never knew there was a word to describe me other than freak. Knowing in my heart and in my mind that I was a guy while being stuck in a female body made things tough on me.

While I bound my chest and wore baggy clothing to conceal my female shape as best as possible, I still didn’t want people to notice me. I wanted to be completely invisible, and if anyone did see me, I wanted them to see a nobody. Someone that was so unimportant that they couldn’t be bothered to give the time of day to.

This theory worked for me, at least for a while, but I have to say I was still miserable. I would go to bed wishing that I would wake up in my proper body and that my life up to that point was just a bad dream. Of course when I did dream, I was always a male in my dreams. I always have been, at least when I am myself. There was a point in time, that this need not to be seen and the want to wake up in the right body caused me quite a bit of trouble. I couldn’t tell when I was asleep and when I was awake. When I would realize that I was awake I would become depressed and irritable.

Eventually, due to mood swings and nothing else, I was diagnosed with having bi-polar disorder, something that has completely gone away since I started transitioning. I’ve been told by a very reliable clinical psychologist and good friend, that I might not have had bi-polar to begin with, just gender identity disorder.

This all happened during a time I was praying for invisibility.

It was a gradual change in me, when I realized that I was not only happier, but better off mentally and emotionally when I stopped trying to pretend that I didn’t exist and that my problems were all in my head. My own mother had tried to convince me of the latter on several occasions, citing my depression as “just being in my head.”

As I’ve shed this cloak of invisibility and became more comfortable with myself and my self-image. I have begun to really learn who I am and what I can do, and I will say it is pretty amazing. I’m slowly getting over my social anxiety, and becoming more involved in the community.

I can understand a lot of people that are transsexuals wanting to hide from the world. To fight for their transition, but when it’s over try to disappear, to just meld into the masses of the so-called normal members of society. After all I tried to do it myself and only ended up hating what I was becoming.

I think that the people represented by the T in LGBTQ try to run away from their past as fast as they can transition and assimilate into the population, and that’s okay, but it’s not for me. I am a trans man and nothing is ever going to change that. Even after I have all the surgeries I plan and I’ve been on HRT for years, I’m still going to be a trans man. Nothing can ever make me a CIS man, and I will, until the day I die be somewhat incomplete.

I, however, refuse to be ashamed of who or what I am. I will proudly stand by my brothers and sisters in the Rainbow Soup, and I will represent the T. Even if I stand alone, I will know that someone stood up for my trans brothers and trans sisters who could not bring themselves to.