Sunday, March 31, 2013

HRT Week 2 March 25–31st

 

I wasn’t paying as close of attention as I should have been this week to my development on HRT.

Generally, my voice is still dropping, not very much but it is noticeable for people that haven’t seen me in a couple of weeks.

I’m having a few “personal” issues, but those are due to stop within a few months because of the T.

Emotion wise I feel like I’m better off than I was before. My moods don’t shift erratically, and I find that I can keep my temper better than before. I don’t get angry for no reason at all.

I’m starting to gain a little better muscle tone in my arms, which could also be because I’m working out a little more than I used to.

The first week I was on HRT I was ravenously hungry and could eat almost anything at any time, I’ve found that that has changed. I’m hardly ever hungry any more and when I do eat, I get full fast.

Other than that, there really isn’t any more that I can think of for this week.

Support Group Night

 

My trans support group meets the last Sunday of every month and tonight is clearly the last Sunday of the month. While it was a holiday there was still a decent group of us that showed up. (Happy Easter to all my Zombie Worshipers out there. I’m jesting, please don’t think I’m mocking your religion. I wouldn’t do something like that…unless it was really warranted.)

We did our support group thing, and I actually really enjoyed myself. While we were locked out of the building (the Equality Center changed the combination to get in) we had a wonderful meeting. It felt more relaxed than usual and I think we were really able to get to know each other a little better.

We met a new member and touched on the camping trip that is being planned. I left the meeting feeling like I was part of something special. It felt good.

We were able to get my desk and chair out of the storage unit today, so for the first time in about three months I have a desk to work at. My desk is set in the living room where I can look out the window and see the graveyard beside and behind us. I can look over the parking lot and over the small “porch” that we have because we’re on the end of the building.

I’m falling in love with this place more and more. It feels like home. I think for once I have a place that feels like home, that I’m excited to come back to after leaving to go somewhere, even if it’s just to the store.

It’s exciting and wonderful, and yet, it’s a little bit scary because it is such a new feeling for me. I can’t ever remember feeling excited about having a place to come home too. A place where I felt safe, a place to have friends over. It’s so new to me.

Today has been a fairly uneventful day other than the support group meeting. Tomorrow we’ll enroll the children in public schools, job hunt and maybe get a library card. While the struggle isn’t over, it’s eased and it’s bearable now. It isn’t something that is so overwhelming that I feel like I’m going to drown.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Little Distracted

 

Okay, so I realize that I didn’t make a post last night when I woke up this morning. So maybe I should do a quick recap.

Last night Emily and I went to U of A’s Pride Prom with some friends. It’s a prom for everyone that wanted to go basically. We had a pretty fun time at the Prom. It was awesome for me because I never went to my Sr. Prom in high school (I was forbidden by faculty) and Emily didn’t go to any of her Proms. We got to dance together and generally have a fun time for about an hour or so, then we decided we needed a change of scenery.

Emily and I, along with some awesome friends decided it was time to head to Speakeasy. For those of you that have no clue what Speakeasy is, it’s a local “gay” bar in Fayetteville, AR. They are friendly to anyone in the Rainbow Soup (LBGTQ) and it seems to be fairly popular, plus they serve liquor and you get a Jell-O shot just for checking in on Facebook. Awesome right?! Right!

So we head over to Speakeasy and hang out talking and listening to the live music that was there. (The Wild Cards, I think were playing last night) When the dance floor opened around 10, “the gang” went downstairs where we danced and carried on until about 11, when Emily and I headed home.

Awesome awesome night! I’m beginning to like being an adult now.

Now, the best thing about our new apartment is we live about three blocks from Speakeasy, the  Fayetteville Library and other neat little places AND this morning when I woke up and went outside, I could hear birds singing. We are living in the heart of downtown Fayetteville and there are birds singing outside in the morning.

I love it here.

We are still moving and trying to get everything settled in, but after we do I am so having a dinner party for all my new friends. I never thought I would ever enjoy being around people this much.

I am in love with my kitchen, there is enough room for me to cook and for other people to be in the kitchen helping me. We have a dishwasher so no more washing dishes by hand.

I’m still looking for a job, but now there is a plethora of places that I can walk to and not have to worry about gas and the car and such.

I am working on getting a camping trip planned for June 21st with the NWA Trans Support community at Devil’s Den, which is now closer to us, or rather, we are closer to it.

I am still learning to let go of the past, and to move on with my life. It’s hard, but I’m trying and that is really the only thing that I can do. There have been a lot of people that have hurt me, and I’m sure I’ve hurt some people myself, but I’m moving forwards. I’m no longer that angry person with the ideal that I have no future, that life is meaningless and the world sucks.

I’m trying to start over and live my life and have friends and a family and be part of society, rather than hide away from the world like I was taught to do as a child.

I think that I’ve finally realized that I am important, I am worthy. I have so much that I can offer, so much of myself that I am willing to give to make my life and other’s lives better.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Looking Up


Oh my, where to begin. Today has been hectic to say the least. We found a new place, it’s a nice two bedroom apartment in the “heart” (as I’m calling it) of Fayetteville. We now live a short walk away from the library, the Equality center, the bars (No need for a DD when I can stumble!) and a whole huge slew of places. I LOVE IT! What makes it even more awesome, is…drumroll please…I’m less than a block from a cemetery. Just in case I haven’t told some of my readers, I am in love with creepy spooky places, cemeteries being one of them.

Things are really looking up for us. I think I’m going to really start working in earnest on my book while looking for a job, at least part time. Both of the children are excited about going back to public schools but still kind of leery about it.

I know I said I was going to get into a in depth argument about all the reasons DOMA and such are unconstitutional, but I haven’t yet gotten the password for the WIFI at our new place, so I’m going to have to keep my data on my phone down.

I’m still having problems with AT&T and my crappy phone. If I didn’t need a phone I would be canceling my contract right now. They are refusing to do anything short of screwing me over when it comes to their faulty product. I would not recommend ANYONE getting a contract with AT&T. Seriously; I’d suck it up and pay Verizon the deposit.

I’m really excited about inviting friends over to hang out and have dinner, looks like I’m really starting to grow up.
Right, keeping data down because I’m almost at my limit for the month, I’ll –try- to post something big tomorrow, something juicy and so totally awesome it will blow your mind.  

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Tired...

Another post from my phone. I'm too tired to sit at the computer and actually type this post, so I'll lay in bed and post from my phone. Which is screwing up yet again and AT&T still hasn't contacted me about.

Bleys somehow pulled off out of his head collar and took off. Needless to say I ended up chasing him. I chased him for two hours before I was finally able to catch him with the help of Emily.  So this is why I'm tired. After being drug through the woods, sticker bushes, pot holes and gravel I'm sure anyone would be.

I was going to write a nice long post tearing apart the arguments I keep seeing against Equality, but that will have to wait until tomorrow when I can think, so that my post is rational and well written, quite the opposite of the opposition.

I am planning a camping trip during the summer with my trans support group, our partners/spouses and allies. Its going to be crazily fun and I'm really excited about it.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A Wonderful Night / Holy Shit I was on TV!

So my morning was a little rough emotionally, but I think that was because I’m due for my shot tomorrow on top of the fact the cats are acting insane.

We, my fiancé and I, went out to dinner with some new wonderful friends. It was honestly the first time in my life that I have ever really done anything like that. Just went out and hung out with anyone. It was amazing! I was even able to enjoy an adult beverage and not be ashamed to show my ID to the server in front of other people. In fact I was able to brag about it and show it off.

It’s wonderful having people that have either been where I am now, is going through what I am, or understands because of their own paths in life. I never thought that I would find friends and a community that were so wonderful and so much fun to be around.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of week two on HRT and I couldn’t be happier. I’m hoping the end of the week will be a little more even because it’s my second week, and I’m still wishing for the insta-facial hair. My voice is starting to drop more and I wake up almost every morning with a sore throat, but I’m actually happy about it, because it means that my body is finally undergoing the changes that it should have nearly 15 years ago.

Before dinner, we stopped by the Rally in support of Marriage Equality in Fayetteville, AR. We would have loved to stay for the whole event, however we had already made plans. We stood proudly supporting what we believe in and …

WE WERE ON TV!

Holy crap!

This was the first time EVER that I have been on the news or TV in general. It was so awesome!

ontv

No, I’m not holding the sign I made, we got there a little late and someone else had already snagged it, but I made sure to give them a high five and chat a bit while we proudly supported Marriage Equality. Emily, my fiancé, is holding the sign that I helped her made on Saturday. (I just wrote the black lettering for her.) Even the signs that the kids had made on Saturday were used too! It was simply amazing and the energy was fantastic. It almost brought tears to my eyes to see how many people were there supporting Equality. 

If we didn’t have dinner plans in advance, our boys would have been out there with us, proudly holding their signs supporting equality. We may not be traditional parents, and we may not be the best parents in the world, but we know not to teach our children to hate others for their differences. We teach them to accept and love others and celebrate diversity.

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If anyone wants to see the news feed with Emily and I in it. It can be found here.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Another day.

 

So, I was able to get yet another phone from AT&T and I’m not really happy about it. I’m supposed to be getting a call from Customer Service about changing phones because of the clear defect with the LG Escape. I guess we will see what happens with that.

Today was a rather uneventful day and actually rather quiet with the exception of Artemis and Hamlet getting used to Bleys. They are slowly starting to warm up, Artemis more so than Hamlet, but they are getting better. It will take time like introducing any new animal.

Bleys is doing wonderful, he’s learning his manners rather quickly as well as where his space is and where the cat’s space is. He is extremely intelligent and rather mouthy, but I love him. He enjoys going for rides in the car with everyone.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day, and not just for me. The United States Supreme Court will begin hearing oral arguments in favor of the repeal of not only Prop 8 but also DOMA! I will be attending the rally in Fayetteville tomorrow afternoon for about an hour, I would stay the whole time, but I made dinner plans with new friends weeks before the rally.

I will definitely be taking pictures and I will post them tomorrow.

Speaking of pictures, because I save everything to my SD card and back up my phone info, I was able to save the pictures I have been taking for progress. So, I will probably post those as well.

Well, I’m off to walk Bleys before bedtime. Good night.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

HRT Report–Week One: March 20th - 24th

 

March 20th – First shot of T. I am currently taking 1mL each week via IM injection. Didn’t notice much of a difference for the entire day.

March 21st – First full day after my shot. Physically, not much of a change; mentally, a huge change in emotional levels and clarity. A lot of normal anger, gone.

March 22nd – Woke up with a sore throat and achy, but my voice has begun to drop. It is easier for me to talk in a “deeper” voice without struggling.

March 23rd – Same as the previous day, as far as the achy body. Voice about the same. Attitude is completely different. I don’t get angry without reason and I’m a lot more even tempered.

March 24th – Emotionally still even without any ups or downs. Even though my voice isn’t as deep as it was the previous day, it’s still passable. Smile  I struggle to sing any “high” notes. ( I love singing) People around me are commenting on how different of a person I have become.

Snow in March? What is this madness.


Okay, so I was supposed to do a video for tonight’s HRT Week One, but I forgot, so I’m just going to do a written one this week. I would post the photos I’ve been taking over the past week, but my phone is dead once again.
It would seem that LG, being the ~wonderful~ company that they are made it so their phones could only be charged by LG chargers, and off brand chargers kill their phones for no apparent reason. No one at AT&T seems to know this, but I can assure everyone they will tomorrow. This will be the THIRD phone I’ve had to get within two months, so needless to say, I’m a little miffed about it.
I am going to try to get them to give me a different brand of phone because of all the trouble with this one, I suppose we’ll see how that works out.
So, I’ve managed to lose all the pictures that I had saved…again.
Anyway that’s why there will be no pictures this week and no video because I’m too lazy tonight.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Busy day

 

Today was a busy day, and yet I don’t feel like I really did too much.

I went to the NWA Center for Equality around noon to help make posters for the rally in Fayetteville on the 26th of this month supporting the Repeal of DOMA. I was a bit surprised to find out that my family and I were the only ones that showed up to help, except the guy that was at the center itself. It really made me stop and think for a moment that the community really needs to come together. So, I’ve applied for a volunteer position with the center. I really hope that I can start making a difference and helping to bring the community together. I have some really cool ideas and I don’t mind fighting for what I believe in.

I had a really nice chat this afternoon with a new friend. We have more things in common than I thought, and it was nice being able to sit down and chat for a couple hours. I wouldn’t mind doing it again.

When we finally got home I worked with the brats for a while with their math. We’re homeschooling them, and the 12 year old has been having a bit of trouble with equations.

I woke up again feeling like a had been gargling rocks, while I don’t mind it one bit I keep a huge glass of water by the bed now. My entire body is achy but I think that’s just because I’ve been lifting weights and working out. I’m trying to lose weight and get in better shape.

Tomorrow, I think, is just going to be a hang out day where I do a whole lot of nothing, unless the idiot next door starts screaming and beating on his girlfriend again. Then things could get ugly, but other than that, I’m hoping for a peaceful day.

Friday, March 22, 2013

A Whole New Man

 

The highlight of my day was finally being called Sir when talking on the phone, the downside to that though, was the fact that I was calling the police department because the guy next to us decided to use his girlfriend, I’m guessing, as a punching bag. I wasn’t allowed to simply kick to the door down and beat the guy to a blood pulp, as my instincts said I should do. My finance forbade that, so instead I did something that I usually don’t do. I picked up my cellphone, found the local PD number and called.

While a part of me was beaming with pride when the office said “Can I get your name please, Sir,” a part of me was cringing for this poor lady next door, who’s worthless piece of shit was slapping her around.

I have to keep reminding myself that a) Momma doesn’t have bail money if I get locked up for pummeling this douche and b) if I get locked up my family will be stuck next door to this class A douche without me to protect them. So I will do that only thing that I really can, and that’s call the police when he slaps her around and pray he gets enough balls to say something to me.

Oh yes, if he hits me first I have no problem defending myself with extreme force which would include breaking his face on the concrete.

What’s extremely odd for me though, is how calm I am about all of this. Am I mad that this guy feels the need to slap around his woman loud enough that my boys are sitting on their beds with looks of dismay on their face? Absolutely, but I’m not so raging mad that I can’t think clearly like I used to get. I freaking love it!

I did wake up this morning feeling like I had gargled rocks, but it really didn’t bother me in the least, especially when I realized that my voice is already beginning to drop.

Hell and yes!

My father called me today to inform me that I had mail at my parents house, and I honestly think that he didn’t realize who I was when I answered the phone.

He still calls me by my birth name, and for the time being I allow it seeing as he is the only one from my birth family that is still decent towards me. However, in a few months when my HRT really starts getting along, I’m going to try to get him to have lunch with me so we can have a father-son heart to heart.

I don’t think my mother will ever except me, but maybe my Dad will. I don’t think he realizes that ever since I was little he’s always been my Hero.

But for now, it’s morning rock gargling, evening weight lifting and cardio when I can find the time and place to hike.

Oh yeah. Tomorrow I get to meet up with a fellow trans man for a chit chat. I’m nervous because I generally fuck things like this, because I’m totally socially awkward, but let’s hope for the best.

Then on Tuesday I’m having dinner with a rather large group from the community who I really hope to form friendships with. I’m really excited about both events.

On Sunday, I’ll begin the weekly HRT posts. I know it’s not a complete week, but I think it’ll be a good day to start.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

 

Less than 48 hours ago, I was worried about how I would be dealing mentally with starting to take T. Yesterday my doctor warned me that I could have issues with rages. I made an internal note not to drive in heavy traffic and try to stay as calm as possible.

When I woke up this morning I was a little achy like I was starting to get the flu, but that went away after I drug myself from the warmth of the bed to start the day.

I grumbled to myself as I got dressed so that I could go out, I originally planned to take the boys to Crystal Bridges to walk the trails, but snow and rain put an end to those plans rather fast. Instead, we went to the Museum of Native American History. A great learning opportunity since we are homeschooling them.

We wandered around the museum for several hours, and while one of the groups of people there were loud and noisy, with screaming, stomping children, I was only mildly annoyed. Usually I would have just left to keep myself from going off on the parents and their inability to keep their demon horde in line, but I didn’t.

We finished with the museum and talked about the different eras and the artifacts that were there. Each of the boys even got their own authentic arrow head, which made their day.

It was the drive home that I realized something was extremely different with me. Someone cut me off in traffic and while I yelled at them as usual…I wasn’t angry about it.

Okay, something doesn’t measure up here people.

I was told I could possibly have rages because my body isn’t used to the T and it’s like I’m having the exact opposite.

I’m calmer than I usually am, and while people have been annoying on several occasions, rather than get pissed like I usually do, it’s like it doesn’t even matter to me.

It….It feels nice…

I might be able to manage this thing called a life after all.

On a side note…I want my facial hair. Yes, I know it’s been less than 48 hours since I started but damned it I just want to wake up tomorrow and be like BOOM GRISLEY ADAMS!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

It’s Official!

 

I have officially started HRT. I am taking one mL a week via shot. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful fiancé who is a veterinary assistant and knows how to give shots without using me for a dart board.

I’m still in a state of disbelief. After nearly seven years I’m finally able to begin my transitioning. It has been a long and hard road to get where I am today, and I have been through hell, but I think I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I found a really nice pharmacy in Fayetteville that I will be using. They compound the T there and it’s only $55 for a 10mL vial without any sort of insurance. Cornerstone Pharmacy on Zion Rd.

I’ve decided that each week I’ll be making a post that is strictly about my progress through HRT, complete with photos and most a weekly video, well maybe a video. No promises.

I don’t expect too much of a change within the first week, but we shall see.

It is now that I really begin my journey of transitioning.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Tomorrow

Tonight's post is going to be a bit short as I am writing from my phone this evening. Tomorrow is the big day. I go in for my first HRT appointment. I am honestly not as nervous as I thought I would be. Yes, its almost midnight but I'm not still awake because I can't sleep. I was watching a movie. Upon readying myself for I bed I realized I hadn't made a post for tonight.

So here is my post.  There really hasn't been much to say about today really. I lounged around most of the day wanting to conserved gas for my appointment tomorrow. Its an hour drive one way and while my little neon gets awesome gas mileage its still a good distance there and back.

Starting tomorrow I will be taking a picture and maybe a video recording of myself providing all goes well. I keep saying I'll get around to making a website but I detest my laptop and working with programs like Dreamweaver and Photoshop on it really don't agree with the computer's processor or lack thereof. So, I'll get around to that eventually.

I've started a Deviantart account for those of you that are interested it is:

Http://keleayunli.deviantart.com

Check it out if you want. Add me as a friend or just glare at your monitor and tell me to screw myself. It doesn't make any difference to me.

Anyway. Goodnight. Wish me luck. :)

Monday, March 18, 2013

Two days and a Confession

Two more days until my first HRT appointment. I am nervous, I am scared, and I’m in a bit of a surreal state. I can’t believe that I’m finally going to be able to really start my transitioning. While I have been openly trans since 2005 and have been living as I am now for most of that time, this is really the first huge step I’ve made towards making my outside match my inside.

I’ve tried, since coming out to my parents, to get them to understand or at least accept me. I have dropped my whole life, and two years ago the beginning of my transitioning, for them whenever they needed me. I’ve done it time and time again.

I’ve told myself if I just push everything down, just try to be that daughter that my mother HAD to have out of spite, then they would love and accept me. After all, it would be easier for them to see me as a lesbian right?

I couldn’t do it.

I can’t and I won’t.

For the first time in my life I truly stood up to my mother. In January I told her that I was going to transition and there was nothing that was going to change my mind, nothing she could do or say that would make me stop. I was tired of living a lie for her sake.

I wasn’t disrespectful or mean when I told her. I simply laid out the facts about what I was planning to do. She didn’t say much of anything when I told her, just “okay” and I thought everything between us would be okay. False hopes.

Over the past three months I’ve been struggling a lot with how my mother, the person I thought would be there for me no matter what, has started treating me. She says it’s because I’m with my fiancé, but I know that isn’t true and I finally realized that the last time I saw her.

She has always treated me differently from my brothers and sister, and maybe deep down she knew I was different. I’ve tried time and time again to rebuild the bond we once had and every time I reach out I get hurt.

I am tired of being hurt by someone that claims they love me but never shows it.

It’s really hard for me to move on when anyone gets close and then leaves me. I still miss Kit and Wolf…I ache for them to be a part of my life, but it will never happen.

I realize I’m not the easiest person to get along with. That’s because I get scared. I’m scared of getting close to them and I do everything I can to push them away. By the time I end up pushing them away, I realize that that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted them to be close, to stay with me because I love them and I care about them, but it’s too late. Even if I apologize and try to explain myself, they don’t care or don’t want to care, and I’m left with a hole in my heart that aches and never stops.

I was never really allowed to make or have friends as a child or even as a teenager, so I wasn’t able to learn the social norms for interaction between friends. I feel like I was an experiment, kept away from other children, and when I started to gain acquaintances I was whisked away to another school in another town or another state so that I would always be dependent on my parents or more specifically my mother.

Every time I would start to form bonds of friendship in high school, my mother would do something to make sure I ended up looking like a total idiot. It was always the smallest things, but I feel like she always set me up to fail.

In the end it was easier to be alone, than to keep looking like an idiot, so I stayed alone.

I stayed alone in my own little world, trapped within the confines of my mind.

I dared not to tell my mother in 1999 that I found a label for my so called “disorder” after searching on the internet for hours each night, taking precaution to clear the cache on the family computer before going to bed. I didn’t dare tell her then that I was transgendered. That I hated my female body, that it was wrong, that it always had been wrong.

I didn’t dare tell her when I first started my “cycle” that I was too ashamed to go to school because boys didn’t bleed like this. I didn’t tell her the reason I cried and cried was because I felt dirty, I felt deformed. She wouldn’t have believed me. Like now, she would have said it was just a phase. Like when I told her I was going to kill myself, then laid down in the street and prayed for a car to run me over.

“You know you don’t believe in that.”

Those were her words of comfort in a time when I was hurting inside so badly that I was begging for the release of death. How dare she even presume to know what I do or do not believe in.

It still hurts….the lack of compassion…

It leaves me to wonder if I’m even her child….or my father’s…

I do have my original birth certificate from the 1980s when I was born, but really that doesn’t mean much…Just that my mother had a child on May 11, 1984 at 12:10pm. That doesn’t mean that I am really that child. . .

I think about these sorts of things a lot, and every time I feel myself doubting, questioning myself…Maybe she will love me if I just stop, I realize I don’t think she has ever loved me…Done her duties as a mother, yes, but loved me…no.

So I will keep moving forward this time and I won’t give up, because the people that love me…they support me.

Those that don’t…They aren’t worth my time anymore…no matter how much it hurts.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Support. . . my ass. . . Yes, this is a rant.

 

I’m annoyed, thoroughly and completely annoyed with people and their falsities called support groups. When someone asks a valid and serious question, they should get a valid, serious answer, right? Right. Well not if you’re some of the so-called support groups that I’ve been involved in.

I am beyond sick or people passing off social time as a means of information and support for people that actually want or need help, information, opinions or dare I say, support.

This is what is wrong with people (well not all, but rather some) today. They are too self-important to give a shit about anyone other than themselves or something that will further themselves in life. Or, they only care about their close buddies, screw everyone else.

Why call yourself a support group when you’re just going to either A) ignore people asking for help or B) pop off your mouth with some asinine bullshit rant that has nothing to do with the question asked in the first place?

Why did I go for seven years without a support group for being trans?

BECAUSE OF THIS BULLSHIT.

Honestly, I would rather go the rest of my without having to deal with this. I have my support base, I have my fiancé and her mother who have always been there for me.

The first person to come out publically as being trans didn’t have a support group that had been through everything before them and they made it through.

There are leaders and there are followers. I would rather blaze my own trail and find out for myself than deal with the backstabbing, overrated wannabe high school drama of support groups…

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Today was…


Today was pretty good. I didn’t wake up until almost 11am, but that was probably because I spent half the night talking with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. It’s totally a plus that she sleeps beside me each night.
We cleaned up the room and dropped a few things off at the storage unit and then on whim I decided we needed to have a picnic. Bought sausages, chips and PowerAde at the store and then we drove to Devil’s Den.
I have to say, I love the name of this place, especially so because of where it’s located (Bible-belt Arkansas) and it seems to be a pretty popular place.
After lunch we sat by the creek for a bit before deciding to dare one of the hiking trails.
Of course I had my trusty awesomely sexy Nikon with me, so I managed to get a lot of beautiful pictures along the way. Even though the caves are closed right now, because of the threat of “White Nose” among the bat population I was able to sneak a few shots from the mouths of one of the caves. We can’t wait until they are open again and we can actually go inside of them.
I got my exercise for the day, I have been lifting some small weights and doing crunches in an effort to stop being such a fattie, but today, I’ll forgo the normal evening routine. A two hour hike more than makes up for that.
Everyone had a great time, myself included, next Saturday, I think we might just do something like this again. It really lifted everyone’s mood and lowered the stress level.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Harder than I thought…

 

I thought the hardest part about getting my name legally changed would be going before the judge, but clearly I was wrong. That was actually the easiest part of it thus far.

I’m finally making some progress in getting everything changed over from my old name to my new proper name. I still have a few things that I have to do, but for the most part I’m done.

Today, I finally finished with the getting my car’s title and registration changed over and in the last week I got my car insurance and phone changed over too. Though getting my name changed for my phone was not an easy feat. First I was told I could change it online through a customer service representative, which didn’t work. They can only change the first or the last name but not both. I was then told I could go into ANY store with the proper paperwork. That didn’t work, and I was told that I had to fax a copy of the order into the corporate office, well that wasn’t right either. Finally, I was told that I could go to a certain store (which I dislike immensely) and get it changed there. FINALLY! It was like the angels pissed rum on me from the heavens. I was able to get my name on my phone account changed.

Supposedly my college has changed my name on my blackboard account, but I think I’m too far behind to be able to make up all my work because of the two week period that no one would answer my emails, and all of my professors except one do not allow anything to be turned in late.

I still have to get my birth certificate amended which is easier said than done, because it’s an Oklahoman birth. It –should- only cost about $15.00 to do and I could have it in a few hours if I actually go to Oklahoma City and file for the amendment. Otherwise, it could takes weeks or more. I’m still debating on what to do there.

Emily says that I need to get my high school diploma reissued with the proper name on it as well, but I’m not too sure how to go about that. I could call my old high school and ask…I think I’ll do that on Monday.

I still need to get a Post Office box, now that I have most of documents changed over to the correct name I can finally do that. It is harder to get a post office box than a driver’s license! Seriously…

So far the total cost of my name change has run me about $250 and I’m not even done with all the documents!

This really is harder than I thought it would be, but it’s well worth it.

I’m still stressing about my doctor’s appointment coming up this week and how I’m going to be able to afford it. Emily is dead set on me going, and I’ve been thinking about selling my guitar and keyboard to cover the cost, but I don’t know if anyone would buy them before the 20th.

I guess things will work out for the best…at least I hope so.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

I wonder…

I wonder does it bother people when I tell the truth as I see it? When I can say that I am sad, depressed, suicidal and mean it. Does it make people not want to listen? To not read of my pain, and to better understand something that they may not ever go through? Does it disturb people to realize that not everyone is living the perfect life. Does it scare them?                         

Do they even care?

I doubt it. I feel like I have “friends” just so people can busy themselves with what I’m doing when it suits them or when they are bored.

When I need help, when I’m drowning, it seems like  they don’t care.

It hurts. It’s less and less each day that passes….I suppose that’s a blessing.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Pushing the Limits–Waking the Demon

I have to force myself to find something positive about today. I refuse to let today be a completely negative ordeal. I finally got my name straight on my car insurance and my cell phone service, after going through hell to do so, but I finally got it done. That’s a good thing.

I’m working my way through the list. Tomorrow I need to work on getting my title and registration straightened out, but living out of a motel makes it a little difficult to get mail and I don’t want my title going to my parent’s house. I don’t want someone to take it…

I’m not handling this stress very well. I feel like I’m drowning.

I need to raise money to get us out of here and somewhere…anywhere…else.

I can feel my temper slipping with each idiotic offense these people pull on us. The cars racing through here with their radios blaring at 2am.

The negligent assholes that let their five year old babies play in the streets unattended while their baby runs naked in the windows of their rooms.

The people bitching about my 7 week old puppy not being on a leash while their mongrels charge at Random while I try to walk him. When we call the front office, they tell us there’s nothing they can do, yet they can call my room and pitch a fit about my children playing in the grass in front of the room with the puppy.

I don’t like these feelings building inside of me. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like wanting to hurt someone and enjoying the prospect that it could bring.

I try to read, try to write, try to find a way to make money that doesn’t involve me being around people, because that just isn’t an option for me in this state right now.

I try hard to control myself…It’s painful how hard I try.

I clench my fists, nails digging into the palm of my hands as I stuff the anger, the feelings of hopelessness down. I have to stuff it down, I can’t let it out. My anger is a dangerous, violent beast that revels in the pain of others. I can’t let him out.

People wouldn’t understand if I told them. They would laugh, like my last psychologist. “You’re not schizophrenic,” she had laughed once when I breached my concerns to her. She didn’t know, she didn’t want to take the time to know. I would never trust her to tell her the truth. If I told anyone the truth I would be locked away in a mental asylum somewhere with a neat package label of some mental psychosis slapped on my charts.

That is how they treat people now, or rather don’t treat people. A label, drugs and a swift kick in the ass. There is no real help for the mentally ill, only a cluster fuck of a system that fails us time and time again.

I want to put my fist through a wall sometimes, just to let some of this anger out, to vent.

If I start…

I’m not sure that I could stop.

There’s too much that I’ve bottled up over the years. It really started getting bad when I was in high school, but then again what unpopular outcast doesn’t have it bad in high school?

That doesn’t matter now. This is now and that was then.

I have to stay focused, try to take it one day at a time.

I’ve tried to plan for the days ahead, but I never stick to my schedule.

I have to go somewhere, anywhere, and it’s never where I start out.

I drive for what seems like hours, never really knowing where I am going until I get there.

I’m loosing a lot of time again. Blanks in my memories. Hours mostly, sometimes a day…

I have to get away…I have to find home…but I don’t know where it is.

Nothing feels right. Everything feels like make-believe, like a bad film.

I want to wake up.

I can’t.

There’s nothing to wake up from.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

A Desperate Plea

If I am going to be honest with everyone, myself included, I have to tell the truth, but I suppose that goes without saying.

I am depressed, I know I’ve said it before and at this point I’m probably beginning to sound like a broken record, I just can’t shake it. I try to focus on something else but nothing keeps my attention long before the overwhelming feeling of failure seeps back into my consciousness.

I wish I was dead. I wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning and all this pain and suffering was over. That idea makes me hate myself. Yes, I said it, I hate myself. I am a coward for wanting death as an easy escape. Yet, I cannot allow myself that easy luxury because there are too many people that depend on me. That in turn myself me hate myself more, allowing anyone to get close enough to sway my decisions. It’s a never-ending cycle of depression, self-loathing, anger and hatred.

I am supposed to be excited about starting HRT towards the end of the month, but if I do I feel like I’ll be taking away from my family. We really can’t afford the T let alone the cost of the doctor’s appointment. My fiance insists that we will make it work, we always do, but I can’t help but feel like I’m being a selfish jerk if I do.

I don’t have any insurance to help cover the cost of anything, so the whole cost of everything, tests, appointments etc, would come out of what little we have saved to help keep a roof over our heads.

I wish we could make it back to Richmond, Virginia. They have a clinic there for the trans community. They take care of all the medical aspects and the paitent only has to pay for the hormones. The Fan Free Clinic.

Around here…there’s nothing like that.

I miss my family in Richmond…Okay, I miss my Momma and I know that Emily misses her mother too. I feel like we have nothing left here.

My own mother…

The person I thought would be my best friend forever…

The person I thought I could always talk to no matter what and who would always love me…

She doesn’t. It hurts. I hurts bad. I wonder if she feels anything knowing possibly the last thing she ever told her second born child when they asked for a hug was, “No, I don’t think so,” then walked away.

I don’t think she even cares, and I think that is what hurts the most.

We have nothing left here.

We all want to go home, but right now we’re stranded.

So.

I am asking for help.

I don’t want to beg for money, because to me that’s tasteless.

I mean if I wanted to do that, I could stand on a street corner and make something up.

I have until April 1st to have money raised for the trip, or its another month in hell, and honestly I don’t know if I can make it.

I can do graphics, some website design. I can even knit baby hats (once I find my supplies from storage.)

I’m asking for piece work so we can get out of here and go home.

Emily has suggested a Café Press store and I’ll be trying that as well.

If anyone is interested…

My email is KeleAyunli@gmail.com

Thanks for listening.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Really?!

 

I am beyond pissed at Three Rivers College. For those of you that don’t know, it’s my the college I’m currently taking classes through. They aren’t answering any of my emails, not even the ones for me requesting to withdraw from my classes. At this point I’m pretty miffed, this is supposed to be a small college with the student in mind and I’ve yet to see anything that revolves around the student pertaining to this college.

Most of the professors take days to answer their emails or don’t even bother to answer them at all. Many of them constantly change the way they teach, or rather don’t teach classes online. I feel like I’m paying just to borrow a textbook and read the contents for the most part. Seriously, very little interaction. I won’t say that all the professors that teach there are this way, just a lot of the ones I’ve run across. I have had a decent professor or two, but for the most part they don’t seem to care at all.

So, looks like I’m going to be ending up withdrawing from TRC. They want me to continue to work under a name that is not legally mine, even the government has changed my name and with a lot less trouble. The guidelines of the school even say that the students will not turn in work that isn’t theirs. Clearly my name isn’t what my account says, therefore if I am to abide by the school rules I simply cannot work under someone else’s name.

This whole process is more trouble that I that it was going to be. Sure I thought there was going to be some documents to fill out and some paperwork to file, but I never thought it was going to be this bad.

I’m still fighting depression, I think, or at least I hope that it will get better once we finally start getting things worked out. Right now I just feel so lost and useless…

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Playing Catch Up


Yesterday and last night were too exhausting for me to do anything other than crawl into bed and sleep. My current college doesn’t want to change my name on any of the programs or services that I current use to interact with my fellow classmates and professors. They say that they can’t do anything until next semester even though I’ve legally changed my name and submitted the proper documentation. I’ve written them about this letting them know that I feel disrespected among other things. I’ve also told them that I refuse to work under an assumed name. If I cannot use my correct legal name, then I will withdraw from their college. I pay them for an education, and the least I expect other than that education is some respect. I would never ask anyone else to work under a false name, why should I not be given the same courtesy?

I am still in the process of trying to get all of my accounts and documents changed over to my new proper and legal name, and it’s proving to be a bit more trouble that I thought. In the end, it is well worth it. I still have some paperwork to deal with pertaining to my car and insurance. Then there is the mess of my birth certificate, high school diploma and other things.

Funny how when I sit down and start writing these posts every night I stop sometimes and think, “I’ve done this before.”  Déjà vu. It’s comforting to some extent thought because it helps me to realize that I’m on the right path. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing despite all the upheaval and distress currently occurring in my life.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m writing a book with my fiancé. It’s total fantasy and a bit off the wall, but it gives me something positive to focus on. After the first year of my “active transitioning” as I am calling it, I plan to start working on another book about my whole process. I love writing, so why not do something that I enjoy. I would love to do nothing more than write research papers all day. I love them. I know it’s a bit odd but still, it’s a good thing.

Today was my son’s, our youngest one’s birthday. He turned nine. Though we are going through rough times we did our best to make it a good day. He got the Pokemon cards that he had been wanting, and an Angry Birds Star Wars hoodie blanket, which he loves. His birthday cake was Transformers and I cooked him a nice dinner. Steak, baked potato, salad and Texas toast. Yum!

I miss having a big kitchen to cook meals in, but eventually we will get out of here and that will change. I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying really hard.

On the 20th of this month I have my first appointment to start HRT. I already have my letter and I’m ready to go. I was cleared a little over two years ago when I still lived in Richmond, Virginia, but I moved because my parents “needed” me. What a lie that turned out to be. This time I’m not stopping, I’m not dropping my life for anyone else. I’ve come too far once again to put it on the back burner. I have been openly trans* (I write it that way because I love the “star”) since 2005. I’ve known that I was this way since high school, well before really. It was high school in 1999 when I realized there was a word to describe what I am.

As a young child I could never understand why I was different from my brothers, why I couldn’t run around shirtless and they could. That is one of the major things that sticks in my hair from my childhood. Well, what I remember of it.

While I am extremely excited about the 20th, I am also terrified. This is a huge step for me, someone that detests medications that aren’t natural. I keep telling myself that my body should be producing T naturally and it isn’t, so I just have to give it a boost. I am currently taking an amino acid supplement that is supposed to help boost T production as well as promote “brain function”.  I’ve noticed that I don’t get as angry as often when I’m taking it. I feel a little better, but this depression is kicking my butt.

I am struggling with my classwork. I can’t pay attention to the words on the pages in the books. They might as well be written in Latin. I look at the words and none of them seem to make any sense to me.

On a positive note, Hamlet came back. No sooner had I posted my last post than I heard a meowing at the door, reluctantly Emily checked and there was Hammy. 

I cried. 

Even now, I’m on the very of crying.

I suppose I have to hit rock bottom before I can start heading up. 

Friday, March 8, 2013

Drowning in Life


Everything hurts; this is how I know I’m depressed. I can’t help it. No matter what I do, no matter how I try to shift my attention from my failures. I can’t keep the over whelming feelings of worthlessness from swallowing me whole. Do I think about killing myself? Yes, but what good would that do? End my pain, maybe, but how much pain would that cause others? I can’t let that be an option for me.

Funny how the things in life that you try to work through, and think you’re okay with sneak back up on you like a ninja and stab you in the mind.

My cat ran away.

I keep telling myself Hamlet will come back, no one can find him. It’s a lie. He’s not coming back.

I had to re home my three pups that I raised from birth because they weren’t able to adjust living in a motel. It wasn’t fair to them that I failed in finding an apartment that allowed pets before my money from student loans ran out. They didn’t say no time and time again when Emily or I ask on the phone, “do you accept small dogs?”

I cried. I still cry, I just try not to let anyone see how much I miss Lillith…Stark….Kenren. I keep Lillith and Stark’s dog tags on my keychain. Something inside me dies every time I hear that soft jingle.

I swear I keep hearing Hamlet outside the door, every time I go to check, nothing’s there. I hurt.

I had to get Random from my parent’s house. He cornered my mother and wouldn’t let her move. Needless to say, I think she’s finally scared of him. So now I get to keep my 85 pound German Shepard/American Bulldog mix confined to this tiny room that isn’t big enough for four people, let alone four people and a dog.
He has to wear a muzzle most of the time….This isn’t fair to him, but I can’t re home him. Someone would fight him . . . or worse. I can’t lose him too.  

I’ve lost too many animals in the last year…

My mother hates me. She hates me because I changed my name. She hates me because I have the courage to move on with my life.

My brother hates me though I couldn’t tell you why, and my sister is the same.

My father is the only person that is still civil to me. I cry inside when I tell him that I love him and Mom, and he tells me he still loves me. I thought he would be the one to take it that hardest…my transitioning that is.
I try to tell him, so that he can tell Mom. I’m still the same person inside; it’s only my outside that is changing. If I was a girl and got married, my name would change…

I know you’re upset Mom. I know you’re hurting, but I’m hurting too. I’m upset too. I thought you were my best friend and you’ve turned your back to me. You wouldn’t even hug me…”I don’t think so, not yet…” 

Why would you say that to your child? WHY?! Why in the fuck would you tell me that?

Why can’t you understand I am still the same person?

I tell Dad I have someone that might want to write a piece on me, and he chuckles.

I guess I’m beginning the relationship I always wanted with him. He always kept me at arm’s length growing up. He wasn’t sure how to raise a “daughter”.

I miss sitting around the dinner table with my brothers, sister and parents and eating dinner.

I miss watching anime with Mom and Charles…

I miss watching DBZ and arguing with Charles about how Vegeta is superior to Kakarot.

I’m drowning…I wish I could make them see how much I hurt.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Landslide


This is not a good day, this is not a bad day, this is just another day to go down in flames, and it hasn’t even ended yet. Despite my reservations of appearance and the extreme dislike of femininity that is present in my voice I headed into “work” this morning. I wasn’t feeling very well and honestly I was a little depressed, but I left it at the door. I went into work with the same self-assurance I had the previous day. I was there to listen, to learn what the “teacher” was teaching, and I was there to acquire the tools for a new career.

I greeted the other guy that was there when I arrived, and when I started getting stared at instead of being talked to I merely pulled out my Criminology book from my briefcase and began reading and taking notes. I am completely awkward in social situations and have no idea what I’m supposed to talk about with people. If I had been given the chance to make friends and talk to people when I was a young adult I’m sure I might not have this problem now, but I suppose that’s irrelevant to a certain extent at this point in the day.

When the instructor began the class he passed out the role sheet as he had done the previous day and asked that we printed legibly what we would like on our program “diplomas”. He stated that he didn’t care what we wrote as long as we wrote something. Jokingly I asked if I could write “Your Royal Highness” in front of my name to which he replied he didn’t care if I wrong “Her Royal Highness” if that was what I wanted. Needless to say, everyone glared at me like I had just slaughtered a baby kitten in their presence.

Strike One.

I played it off like a joke and did my best to ignore it.

I tried extremely hard.

I tried to ignore the fact that everyone else sat around each other but seemed to avoid me like the plague. I hadn’t been rude to any of them; I’d tried to be respectful and pleasant to be around.  

So there I sat, alone from the rest of the group. When we had to get up to do roleplaying with each other, everyone else tried to run to find a partner that wasn’t me. It was only with a heavy sigh and visual reluctance that I got a partner in the first place.

What is this, high school all over again?

Strike Two.

I ignore it again, maybe I’m not a likeable person or maybe I’m intimidating.

The previous night everyone in the class was given a “homework” assignment. In this assignment, we were supposed to memorize a skit of sorts, in order to begin a successful sale. I’d gone over this skit, made the alterations suggested by the teacher and tried my best to remember it.

Each person in the class was supposed to “do” the skit in front of the class, so that we could “break any bad habits” before the started. I was nervous about getting up in front of the class, I was scared however, I was ready. Person after person everyone did their “skit” until it was my turn. We took a break and afterwards moved on to something completely different.

I was crushed, yet I didn’t say anything. Every time today, I had tried to say anything I had gotten talked over, so it wouldn’t have done any good in the first place.

Strike Three.

Lunch time came and I did good to hold it together while I made my way to my car. Once in the safety of my little maroon Neon I broke down crying.

I’ve done everything I could possibly fit into this place that was supposed to be my new career and yet I still didn’t fit in. I felt like a stranger that was unwanted rather than part of the team as I was supposed to be. Everyone had already accepted everyone else, and were forming friendships and bonds, and yet no one wanted to talk with me even when I had tried to reach out and make a connection first.

Words cannot describe how horrible I feel right now. I couldn’t go back after lunch.  I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I feel like a total failure, because I couldn’t adapt and rise to the situation.

My beautiful fiancé has told me she didn’t like the idea of me in sales anyway, because my money wouldn’t keep her warm at night. 

Yes, I would have been gone most of the time, but I could take care of my family.

I feel…

Weak…

Useless…

Undeserving of love…

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

All in a Day's Work


I just spent eight hours in a classroom with nine other men and one woman learning how to be an Automobile Sales Professional, and I couldn’t feel better. I am mentally exhausted and nervous about what this means for my future, for my family’s future.

I’ve made the plunge into “going full time” since officially getting my name changed and it has made all the difference in the world. No longer do I have to be confined by the name that was thrust upon me at birth. I am no longer chained by the behavioral expectations of said name, I am finally able to grow into the man that has been chained, living inside of me. However I there are still times when I doubt myself.

I have not merely been pulled out of my comfort zone, where I didn’t have to interact with people, but I was pulled kicking and screaming and thrust into a world where interacting with people will become my livelihood.

I am terrified of how everyone there perceives me, whether they know my secret, that I am transitioning. I wonder if they think I’m just some freak, just some poser wannabe guy.

My lack of facial hair sets me apart from the other guys there, but there are some that are clean shaven.  I could blame my lack of facial hair on my Native American heritage, or the fact that I shave every morning, but then what would I say when I start HRT and finally begin the puberty that I was supposed to have as a teenager?

I still haven’t had top-surgery and I’m bound the best I can manage for a long day, and while it does the job of making my chest appeal flatter, I still do not have the right look as far as I’m concerned. I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and adjust my dress shirt and tie, frowning at the reflection looking back at me.

My chest is too large and my face too smooth but still, at the end of the day when I’ve been called nothing but Aydan, Mr. O’Connor or Sir and only heard male pronouns used for me, I can deal with my physical imperfections at this time.

I know before the month is out, I’ll be working my way towards a fantastic career and a complete transition. Before the year is out, I could have top-surgery. I can have a nice, steady home for my family. I can truly live the “American Dream.”

All of this because someone…No...

Because two very important people believe in me. 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Close to Home


In 2002, the year I graduated from high school, over 30,000 desperate people in the United States died by their own hand, leaving behind a legacy of broken dreams, sorrow and feelings of complete hopelessness. Ten years later the rate of suicide in the United States increased to over 36,000. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among teens in the United States, falling behind automobile accidents and homicide. 

Right now you’re probably wondering why I am going on about this subject tonight, and the honest truth is because it worries me. This morning my fiancé and I received a call from our son’s school telling us that he had stabbed himself with his pencil. As far as he was concerned he was trying to kill himself.

Since we lost our home several weeks ago things have been a bit hectic to say the least.  We are holding ourselves together, but our son’s middle school, more specifically one of the counselors seem to think they need to make a 12 year old child’s life hell. On Friday this woman pulled him into her office to grill him on what was going on with us, making him very uncomfortable. He came home almost in tears; clearly he was extremely upset because of her actions.  When I confronted her on the phone about it today I was told “Well you weren’t here you don’t know.” 

How unprofessional is that? 

Seriously?! 

I’ve had better responses from my eight year old son. This woman is supposed to be the school counselor and she badgers and picks on children. Needless to say, we’ve pulled our son out of this school and we are seeking help for him.

My point is this though, when we send our children to school, should we really trust those people that are supposed to protect and care for them when we cannot? 

There has been a huge movement for LBGTQ teens called “It Gets Better” but what about the children and the teens of LBGTQ adults? They are bullied and tormented almost the same as the children that are LBGTQ themselves.

What messages are our schools sending when they refuse to stop the bullying to the point where children want to harm themselves?

What messages are parents sending when they don’t talk to their children about bullying other children?

Unless we act now and stop this, we will never have a healthy connected society. 
We will always be finding things to separate us, to break our unity. 

Monday, March 4, 2013

Equality Means Equality for Everyone


There’s been a lot of news lately about the possible repeal of DOMA, and promoting marriage equality for everyone. I’m just going to touch a little on my thoughts about this tonight before leaving you with a paper I wrote back in 2010. Yeah, it is a few years old but the points I make are still just as valid now as they were back in 2010.

When I look at what is happening for marriage equality, how many states have passed agendas supporting marriage equality it’s hard for me not to wipe tears of joy from my eyes. Being a transman, eventually I would be able to get married to my fiancé (who is female) without too many problems, but for many couples out there without marriage equality, that would never happen.  Our brothers and sisters would be denied equal rights and protections under the law merely because their sexual preference is not considered the “norm” in the United States, or even the world.

We still have a long way to go, especially in states like the one I’m living in right now, Arkansas. It is my hope though, that people will continue to wake up, and realize that discriminating against someone FOR ANY REASON, is wrong and hurts our society.  I don’t want to get into a rant about discrimination tonight though; I’ll save that for later.

Cause and Effect: The Ban on Gay Marriage

The ban on same sex marriage not only hurts our society by preventing families in the GBLTQ (Gay, Bi-sexual, Lesbian, Transgender, and Queer)  community from caring for one another as any heterosexual family does, but also pardons discrimination against homosexuals. Gay and lesbian couples rarely have family insurance plans which would help with the care of the spouses, and children if they were present; and in most cases find it extremely difficult to receive any kind of joint governmental resources or assistance based on family units. This is mostly due to the ban on same sex marriage and the laws set into place that openly discriminate against the homosexual community. If we, as a country continue to refuse couples the right to marry based on sexual preference we are disregarding equal rights and forgiving our government for singling out a minority of our citizens.

In 1993 the freedom to marry movement was set into action by the monumental decision of the Hawaiian courts that stated that putting restrictions on who a person can marry is considered as discrimination.  In 1996 The United States Congress went so far as to condone discrimination against members of the GBLTQ community as to pass the Defense of Marriage Act, which states:

‘No state, territory or possession of the United States, or Indian tribe, shall be required to give effect to any public act, record, or judicial proceeding of any other state, territory, possession or tribe respecting persons of the same sex that is treated as a marriage under laws of such other state, territory, possession, or tribe or a right or claim arising from such relationship.’ (Bill Text - 104th Congress (1995-1996) - THOMAS (Library of Congress))

This law placed the right to allow or deny same sex couples the fundamental freedom of marriage in the courts of the individual states.  Not only does the Defense of Marriage Act legally excuse the discrimination of same sex couples by allowing states to put into place bans against the marriage of like genders, but also nullifies the Full Faith and Credit Clause established in Article IV Section I and II of the United States Constitution: Full faith and credit shall be given in each state to the public acts, records, and judicial proceeding of every other state; And the Congress may by general laws prescribe the manner in which such acts, records, and proceedings shall be proved, and the effect thereof. The citizens of each state shall be entitled to all privileges and immunities of citizens in the several states. (Article IV|LII Legal Information Institute).

Several years later in 1999 after the state amended its constitution the Hawaiian courts ruled that the state no longer protected lesbian and gay individual’s rights to marry. Since that ruling, members of the GBLTQ community and their allies have been fighting for equality in regards to the right to marry.

No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws (U.S. Constitution: Fourteenth Amendment). The 14th amendment passed on July 9, 1868 assures the citizens of the United States that laws will not be put into effect that alter or restrict an individual’s rights.

“Marriage is one of the ‘basic civil rights of man,’ fundamental to our very existence and survival. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law,” these are the words Chief Justice Earl Warren wrote in his decision during the 1967 Supreme Court case, Loving vs. Virginia, that ruled bans on interracial marriage were a violation of the United States Constitution (Loving vs. Virginia). If denying citizens the right to marry based on race is deemed unconstitutional, than why isn’t then denial of marriage based on sexual preference the same?

Jonathan Rauch, a correspondent for The Atlantic Monthly, and a senior writer and columnist for the National Journal, wrote on marriage in his 2004 book Gay Marriage: Why it is good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America:

“Marriage is not merely a contract between two people. It is a contract between two people and their community. When two people approach the altar or the bench to marry, they approach not only the presiding official but all of society. They enter into a compact not just with each other but with the world, and that compact says: “We, the two of us, pledge to make a home together, care for one another, and, perhaps, raise children together (Rauch, Gay Marriage).”

Whether socio-cultural or religious based, the arguments mounting against gay marriage never give a plausible reason for the ban without violating amendments to the constitution. In addition to disregarding Constitutional Amendments, the political leaders are casting aside the ideals that the founding fathers of the United States set forth when the country was first created in 1776 with the Declaration of Independence. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness (Declaration of Independence - Transcript).

Procreation and the continuance of the human race is a common argument against the marriage of lesbian and gay couples. The fact that this argument is completely irrational is evident in the amount of heterosexual couples that either, cannot reproduce, due to genetic malformations or medical procedures that inhibit reproduction, or have chosen not to and yet are still permitted to marry.

 Also anyone of legal age can purchase contraceptives from drugstores nation-wide, and in some cases even the ‘morning after pill’ both of which greatly reduce the chance of conception. Abortion, a process in which a pregnant woman can abort an unborn fetus during the first and second trimesters of pregnancy, is also legal in all 50 states; this process as well denies procreation.

Fundamentalist have even gone as far as saying same sex couples should not be allowed the basic right of marriage because it (heterosexual marriage) is essential for raising children in today’s society, yet there are only five states that openly have bans on homosexual individuals from adopting (Judith E. Beckett).  Of the children adopted in the United States, 65,500 live with lesbian or gay parents.  As of 2005, an estimated 270,313 of the United States children were living in households with same sex partners as the head of household (The Williams Institute - UCLA School of Law).

 “Too many single-parent families, as many studies have shown, bring up kids who as adults do markedly less well on average in school, career, and marriage than those who grew up in intact two-parent families. As for children of never-married mothers: many of them make up the permanent underclass, and their high rates of crime, school failure, and welfare dependency are everything that the Founders expected the republican family to prevent,” said Kay Hymowitz in her 2004 article in the City Journal (Hymowitz).

 “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” (First Amendment - US Constitution). It was this first amendment, the beginning of the Bill of Rights in the constitution that gave the people the right to choose a religion of preference, as well as the absence of religion. The arguments supporting the ban on the marriage of lesbian and gay couples with religious biases are in clear violation of this amendment. While one may not agree with homosexuality due to religious reasons, this does not give them the right to discriminate against others, denying a minority of the United States citizens the right to marry on such a trivial basis as sexual preference.

While legislations have crossed several states allowing the right of civil unions to same sex couples, it is still sending the message the homosexuals citizens are ‘equal’ but separate, an issue among the African American community that led to the civil rights movement of the 1960s. Marriage, rather than civil union, among homosexual couples will only afford the couple the same assistance in providing for each other that married heterosexual couples already have.

“In exchange for the care-giving commitment we are making, you, our community, will recognize us not only as individuals but as a bonded pair, a family, granting us a special autonomy and a special status which only marriage conveys. We, the couple, will support one another. You, society, will support us. You expect us to be there for each other and will help us meet those expectations. We will do our best, until death do us part (Rauch, Gay Marriage).”

The United States government was founded on the ideals that every man is equal, yet every minority in this country; whether based on race, origins, or sexual preference, have to fight for equality.  America was made to be the land of the free and home of the brave, however will remain in the chains of discrimination until we can put our differences aside and realize we are all human beings.
Works Cited
 "Article IV|LII Legal Information Institute." Cornell University Law School. 18 November 2010 <http://topics.law.cornell.edu/constitution/articleiv>.

"Bill Text - 104th Congress (1995-1996) - THOMAS (Library of Congress)." 1996. The Library of Congress - THOMAS. 18 November 2010 <http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c104:H.R.3396.ENR:>.

"Declaration of Independence - Transcript." The National Archives. 26 November 2010 <http://archives.gov/exhibits/charters/declaration_transcript.html>.

"First Amendment - US Constitution." FindLaw.com. 27 September 2010 
<http://public.findlaw.com/constitution-day/first-amendment-us-constitution.html>.

Hymowitz, Kay S. "Gay Marriage vs. American Marriage." City Journal (2004).

Judith E. Beckett, R.N. The Rainbow Babies: Adoption Choices for Lesbian & Gay Couples. 23 May 2007. 01 December 2010 <http://www.therainbowbabies.com/AdoptionChoices.html>.

Loving vs. Virginia. The US Supreme Court. April- June 1967.

Rauch, Jonathan. Gay Marriage. New York: Times Books Henry Holt and Company, 2004.
—. Gay Marriage. n.d.

The Williams Institute - UCLA School of Law. Census Snapshot - The United States. Los Angeles: UCLA, 2007.

"U.S. Constitution: Fourteenth Amendment." FindLaw.com. <http://caselaw.lp.findlaw.com/data/constitution/amendment14>.


Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Elephant in the Room


I hate this time; sporadically as it comes and goes it leaves me feeling utterly defeated and de-masculinized. In case you’re wondering, I consider nothing to really be off limits when it comes to life and the human body. No, I will not write about my sex life or anything of that content but I will talk about other things pertaining to the normal or not so normal in my case circle of nature.

I will warn those who are easy embarrassed that such cycles that this is not something you will want to read today.  Yes, tonight I am talking about that monthly cycle that those who are born with the female anatomy go through after the onset of puberty. I call it the elephant in the room because it’s something that I, as a transman, like to pretend doesn’t happen.

As if being stuck in the improper body from birth was not bad enough to start with every so often my body goes on a Femme kick and decides to make my life a living hell. I curl around my giant purple stuffed bunny and hide away from the world feeling as if everything masculine about me has been stolen from my body like a thief in the night. Waking up on a Japanese flag is not my idea of a good day.

I have heard tales of transwoman that fake this cycle, and to be honest I have no clue why in the world anyone would want to bleed from their body for any extended amount of time or even fake this process. I assure the ladies out there that they really don’t want this. The muscle cramps, the emotional roller coaster, the mess… Let’s just say that’s a worse nightmare for someone with OCD or similar features.

With all this said, I would like to remind my fellow transmen, that we still have a responsibility for our bodies and should at least try to take care of them, which entails yearly exams of the vaginally torturous kind.  Even if it is the elephant in the room, you still have to feed it or it will starve and pick up after it or you’ll be stepping in huge piles of elepoop.  

Saturday, March 2, 2013

It's all in a Name


Funny how much a little piece of paper telling the world exactly who you are can make so much of a difference in your life. How that bit of paper can boost the confidence of a person and make the entire world to see them as they see themselves on the inside.

Several weeks ago I was called in for a job interview at Petco for the position of an assistant groomer. Basically,the position was a minimum wage, lackey position where you prayed that someday you’d be given the chance to advance within the company and make a decent paycheck at the end of the week. Regardless, I was excited at first and then I was struck with a sense of horror. Once again I was going to have to put on a play and pretend I was someone that I wasn’t. It would be okay, I had reassured myself, my family needed the money and working two jobs on top of college wouldn’t be too stressful. I could study during breaks at this position, everything would be great.  Everything on my resume looked good enough for them to call me in. An outgoing college student looking for work, great with animals having several of my own, this was going to be a positive thing.

Everything looked good on paper at least. I tried my best to look nice and “feminine” for the job interview. I wore a nice yellow blouse and black slacks and tried to make my short cut hair look as “girly” as possible, because at the time my legal name was still my worst enemy. It’s sad to say, but I think the hiring manager took one look at me and decided right there that I was not going to get this job. Over the phone she seemed extremely nice however, when I arrived at Petco for my interview her demeanor seemed to change.
There are some people that are horrible at faking a pleasant attitude, and then there are those that have been in customer service so long that faking pleasantries is like second nature. It seemed this woman was the latter of the two. I was promised a call back after a barely five minute interview. I waited longer for her to put up an animal she was grooming than the actual interview.  Needless to say, I never got the call back.  Shortly after this time, my world fell apart. I lost my home first then my job and was struggling with my grades, so calling them back just to be given the run around and lied to slipped my mind.

All of this because I failed an attempt to pretend I could match the identity given by my parents and proclaimed by my driver’s license, which at the time didn’t match who I am inside, who I am becoming outside. Now that this has changed I’ll be trying once more to find a job starting on Monday morning, this time with my documentation agreeing with my presentation. I won’t just be someone who looks good on paper but like a freak in person.