Drowning in Life

Everything hurts; this is how I know I’m depressed. I can’t help it. No matter what I do, no matter how I try to shift my attention from my failures. I can’t keep the over whelming feelings of worthlessness from swallowing me whole. Do I think about killing myself? Yes, but what good would that do? End my pain, maybe, but how much pain would that cause others? I can’t let that be an option for me.

Funny how the things in life that you try to work through, and think you’re okay with sneak back up on you like a ninja and stab you in the mind.

My cat ran away.

I keep telling myself Hamlet will come back, no one can find him. It’s a lie. He’s not coming back.

I had to re home my three pups that I raised from birth because they weren’t able to adjust living in a motel. It wasn’t fair to them that I failed in finding an apartment that allowed pets before my money from student loans ran out. They didn’t say no time and time again when Emily or I ask on the phone, “do you accept small dogs?”

I cried. I still cry, I just try not to let anyone see how much I miss Lillith…Stark….Kenren. I keep Lillith and Stark’s dog tags on my keychain. Something inside me dies every time I hear that soft jingle.

I swear I keep hearing Hamlet outside the door, every time I go to check, nothing’s there. I hurt.

I had to get Random from my parent’s house. He cornered my mother and wouldn’t let her move. Needless to say, I think she’s finally scared of him. So now I get to keep my 85 pound German Shepard/American Bulldog mix confined to this tiny room that isn’t big enough for four people, let alone four people and a dog.

He has to wear a muzzle most of the time….This isn’t fair to him, but I can’t re home him. Someone would fight him . . . or worse. I can’t lose him too.  

I’ve lost too many animals in the last year…

My mother hates me. She hates me because I changed my name. She hates me because I have the courage to move on with my life.

My brother hates me though I couldn’t tell you why, and my sister is the same.

My father is the only person that is still civil to me. I cry inside when I tell him that I love him and Mom, and he tells me he still loves me. I thought he would be the one to take it that hardest…my transitioning that is.

I try to tell him, so that he can tell Mom. I’m still the same person inside; it’s only my outside that is changing. If I was a girl and got married, my name would change…

I know you’re upset Mom. I know you’re hurting, but I’m hurting too. I’m upset too. I thought you were my best friend and you’ve turned your back to me. You wouldn’t even hug me…”I don’t think so, not yet…” 

Why would you say that to your child? WHY?! Why in the fuck would you tell me that?

Why can’t you understand I am still the same person?

I tell Dad I have someone that might want to write a piece on me, and he chuckles.

I guess I’m beginning the relationship I always wanted with him. He always kept me at arm’s length growing up. He wasn’t sure how to raise a “daughter”.

I miss sitting around the dinner table with my brothers, sister and parents and eating dinner.

I miss watching anime with Mom and Charles…

I miss watching DBZ and arguing with Charles about how Vegeta is superior to Kakarot.

I’m drowning…I wish I could make them see how much I hurt.