A few days

 

I know I haven’t written an update in a few days and to be honest I’m a little worn thin. Between the whole fiasco with the scooter and trying to find new transportation by having to walk almost everywhere I’m tired and in a little pain. Last Friday when the stupid scooter broke down and I ended up having to walk several miles, I think I twisted my right foot some how, probably when I almost fell over at Speakeasy because it was dark walking home and I didn’t see the culvert thing.

So, walking everywhere and not being able to keep off of it hasn’t really helped my foot along in the healing process, BUT I’m hoping that that changes after today. I’m not going to say anything and jinx myself, so I’ll wait until it actually pans out, and just say that I am lucky I have such a wonderful friend that was willing to come pick me up after wandering around Fayetteville for hours looking for a vehicle that I won’t have to work on every effing day.

The plans are after we get the transportation issue settled to go back to job hunting. It was really shitty timing that the Neon broke down in the first place, but that is in the past and is really a moot point now.

Tomorrow, we are going to be attending a peace rally here in Fayetteville, it will be on the corner of Dickson St. and College if anyone is interested, and will be from 4:00 until 6:00pm. Last night Emily, the boys and I sat down together and made signs for the rally while explaining to the boys what the rally was for and how the signs were a representation of their own personal believes that they wanted to share.

At this point.

At this point I want to pull out my hair. I’m going to end up having to return the scooter and get my money back leaving me searching for another form of transportation. We’re going to get another scooter or maybe even  a motorcycle.

I am so frustrated with this company right now. In my opinion they lack the customer service skills to be in business. Rather than recap again, I’m just going to copy and paste my mini rant from my Facebook account:

Okay so people don't think they have to return your call when they are trying to ass rape you over "business". Tomorrow morning I'll be returning my bike and accessories from MopedU and getting my money back. I retract my previous statement referring to them as a good company. Less than 48 hours after I had purchased my "brand new" V150 (which already had 47 miles on it) it broke down. The electric starter stopped working. Took it in, got it fixed. Later that night it broke down AGAIN and left me stranded and having to push a 200 pound scooter back to their store. A nice little 7 block hike that I am really not too fond of.

They were supposed to have it fixed on Saturday (the next day). It never happened, I've been given the run around since Saturday morning and haven't even been offered any real solution that was reasonable.

Today I was told they would have a new V150 for me either "today or tomorrow". Then I get a call back telling me it'll be FRIDAY before anything is done.

That's a week.

A FUCKING WEEK.

A week with no transportation.

They continued to dangle a "rental" moped in front of me and then renege on it several times over. A 50cc moped that tops out at 35mph DOES NOT COMPARE to a 150cc scooter that'll reach 55 mph.

I was offered the chance to get another scooter, but at this point I have completely lost all faith in this company, and honestly I think if I was to even try to get a different scooter it would probably break down, and this cycle would start all over again.

I find it hilarious that they have a listing up on craigslist that states they want to provide people with a product that doesn't break down, yet that is exactly what happened to me when I trusted them.

Seriously, these guys told me I wouldn't have to get insurance, tags or a motorcycle endorsement for my license even with the larger engine, and that was a huge lie. It's clear they have no real clue what the laws for mopeds or scooters are in Arkansas and just agree with whatever you say to get you to buy their scooters.

I'll admit I should have done the research myself beforehand, instead of trusting someone who just wants to make a buck.

Yes, it was a rather lengthy rant, the thing that really bothered me was the fact that I had to cancel all my weekend plans because of this problem and they went on all weekend posting about going to Razorback games and how they were in the shop, come on by, but they couldn’t be bothered to really try to get me any sort of transportation.

If I was the manager of the shop, I would have told my customer they could have any bike in the shop and I would have picked them up personally from their house. We were told we would have to walk to the store. . . walk…after we dropped $1200 for a new scooter that broke down 48 hours after purchase.

Riiiiight.

It’s bad enough we had to walk to pay all our bills today because…you guessed it, no transportation.

So, I would highly suggest that anyone looking for a scooter or moped avoid MopedU in Fayetteville, if nothing else but for their lack of knowledge and willingness to say anything to get you to buy their scooters/mopeds.

A huge let down.

In other news…

I was able to attend my panel today for a good friend of mine, she was wonderful enough to come pick me up during her break so that I could attend.

While I was a little nervous, I found it was actually quite easy to get up in front of people ( or rather sit) and talk about myself, any how I am a transsexual. I thought it was really quite fun, and I loved it.

I’m really enjoying becoming, or trying to become, more involved with the LGBT community and I’m finding that I’m making friends and talking to people easier now then before.

Looking back at the way I was before makes me wonder how people put up with me. I’m lucky though, I have friends now that care about me and that like me for me.

I couldn’t be happier.

Fitting In

Every so often I’ll have an off day, not really a bad day, just an off day. I don’t have bad days as often as I used to. Today, was an off day. While I’m having a lot of issue with my transportation that I shouldn’t be having and I am extremely angry about it, that’s not what caused me to be off.

I’ve had this happen to me before, when the little voice in the back of my head tells me I’ll never really fit in anywhere. I can usually strap Hello Kitty duct tape over its mouth and ignore it, but today…It was just over whelming. This is the voice that tells me I’ve never fit in as my birth sex and I’ll never fit in as my mental sex. It whispers to me that I’ll never be able to fully adapt to living as one or the other, but that I’ll always be a mixture of the two. While that would be okay with me if the world was a nicer place that understood people that are trans* that isn’t the case.

People don’t understand being trans* unless they themselves are. No matter how many different ways I try to explain it, explain myself, it is a rare occasion that anyone understands what I mean let alone completely understand. I’ve been with Emily for almost eight years and I don’t think that she completely understands. She’s got a better grasp of who and what I am than most people do, but she really doesn’t understand. It’s like trying to describe color to someone born without sight.

The hardest letter to represent in the Rainbow Soup is the T. People can understand being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, because they are just variations in sexual orientation. The person is completely fine with their born sex. They aren’t trapped in a gender prison of skin that they have to live with day in and day out until they are able to transition, IF they are able to transition.

Even if we are able to transition can we really lead anything close to a normal life? Imagine how hard it is for a trans* person trying to date after having SRS. How would that conversation even be breeched? “Oh by the way, I was born a guy/girl but I’ve transitioned?” I’m sure there can be times when it isn’t even talked about but I couldn’t keep something like that from my wife. Whether I like it or not, its part of who I am. Who I was born as. The fact that genetics fucked me over royally isn’t something I’m proud of, but I am proud of how I have chosen to deal with it. I’m proud that I am still here today, some 28 (almost 29) years later and that I’m finally transitioning into the man I was born to be.

Isn’t it funny…

Isn’t it funny how your impression of someone or rather something, like a company, can change drastically almost over night? A few days ago Emily and I bought a brand new moped with a nice 150cc engine in it from MopedU, a local store. I couldn’t have been happier with my purchase up until yesterday.

The day before yesterday, the electric start went out on the moped, which wasn’t that big of an issue because I could still ride it, I just had to kick start it. Not really a big deal it wasn’t that much trouble. Yesterday, I took it into the store, and they fixed it. Great! I was annoyed that it happened but like I said, it still wasn’t a big deal.

Last night, I had planned to take Emily to the top of Mt. Sequoia here in Fayetteville to watch the sun set together. Yes, it was a cheesy, romantic plan, but I knew she would love it. Well my plans came to a huge halt when we stopped at a stop sign near the top of the “mountain” and the engine completely died.

Hmmm.

I thought maybe, it was because we were on such a steep incline, so I pushed the moped onto more level ground, which wasn’t very easy considering the incline we were on to begin with. Tried to start it.

Nothing.

Getting a bit annoyed at this point, because we already had plans to be somewhere at 9:00, later that evening.

So I thought perhaps I needed to position the damned thing headed down the hill. Needless to say, that didn’t work either. We had to coast down the curvy hills to make it back closer into town, and then I had to push the moped back to the store.

I was supposed to have it fixed this morning, because at noon I was supposed to be at a park a mile and a half from my apartment to take pictures for the family picnic being hosted by the NWA Center for Equality.

It wasn’t ready this morning, and I had to hike the 1.5 miles to the park, and after having a huge panic attack because someone brought their doberman to the picnic I had to hike 1.5 miles home.

If I had wanted to walk everywhere, I would have saved the money I spent on the moped and used it for something else, like a new phone that doesn’t screw up on me, or a new computer seeing as mine isn’t doing so well. Hell I could have used that money to pay a month of rent, and install internet here after paying all my other bills.

Yes, I am pissed.

I am not happy.

I haven’t even been offered anything else to drive/ride while they are fiddling with my broken down moped. I haven’t even been given a time when the damned thing it supposed to be fixed.

So, when I’m ready to buy a new scooter for Emily and later for Eddie….I know some place that I won’t be going.

What A Night

Went out to Speakeasy tonight for their EDM Phase II. While I had a really good time, someone was wearing way too much whore-juice (purfume) making it really hard to breathe.  Couple that with the fact that I'm still getting over this ick and it wasn't a pretty picture.

On top of that, the scooer broke down. Yes, brand new scooter and bam, it just quit. I had planned on taking Emily to the top of Mt. Sequoia to watch the sun set and ended up pushing the scooter back to mopedu. So our night really didn't start out that well. The guys are supposed to have it fixed tomorrow, or atleast I hope so. Really sucks buying a new scooter and then it breaking down the third day we've had it. My feet are killing me from the hike first to mopedu with the scooter and then to Speakeasy and home afterwards.

I still hate public bathrooms no matter where they are. Well, maybe not hate so much as fear. I'm afraid I'll pee too loudly and someone would notice. I'm sure that's not really the case, but I'm still scared of them. It makes me wonder if I'll ever really fit in. Honestly, if I can't even use a public restroom...

I would think it would be easier for MtFs, but I'm sure it is just as scary.

In other news my phone is STILL messing up. On my fifth phone and its doing exactly the same thing as all the other ones. Lagging, locking, and completely freezing up. I'm sure it'll blue screen any day now and I'll be wthout a phone, because my carrier can't see fit to give me a different phone knowing thus one is shit. Oh well. Needless to say I am not a happy camper.

Rainy days

It was supposed to stop raining at 8 am this morning, I guess the weather didn’t get the memo, because it was still raining at 11am when we headed out to get the storage box put on the back of our new scooter. I guess it was a really good thing that Emily and I had both bought complete rain suits several months back. The real pain was the cold. It’s the middle of April and 44 degrees outside. Ew!

Emily ended up not getting the position at the veterinary clinic because they chose to hire someone else who knew people there. I think that was really shitty, but that’s how life goes I suppose. If you know people, regardless of your experience, professionalism, or in some cases lack thereof, you get hired on. Yeah, I’m thoroughly annoyed, because they wasted Emily’s time and led her on like she was definitely going to get the job. I know some place I’ll never be taking my pets. Anyway, it’s a moot point now and it’s time to move on.

It do think it was pretty funny that the guys at MopedU (the place we got our scooter) asked her to bring her resume by. So, we did that this morning. But enough with the day to day stuff, I’ve realized that I haven’t really done a posting about my progress on HRT for a while, so on to that.

I am about a month into HRT, my check up appointment is the first of May, Beltane, a major holiday for all of us Earthy Religion people. Which is interesting because my first appointment was on Ostara. (New Beginnings!)

The most obvious change is my voice. While my “talking” voice isn’t too much deeper it has lost all its femme lit. I can talk deeper in my chest, which is how I usually talk (when I’m not sick) and easily pass. I haven’t been called Ma’am, Miss, she, her, anything like that in, well it seems like forever. I’m loving it. One of my biggest issues when it came to passing isn’t so much an issue anymore. Knowing that I’m only a month into HRT leaves me the hope that I might end up with a nice tenor voice later down the road.

Second biggest change, which really isn’t extremely prominent, but noticeable, is my face. It’s not as round as it was before, and my facial structure is slightly more masculine. I’ve notice a slight increase in my facial hair and the speed in which it grows back. It isn’t much, but still enough to make me excited. This morning I did notice that I look like I have a “baby five o’clock shadow” on my upper lip. Soon I will have a sweet home grown ‘stache.

While I’ve found there are times when I’m stressed and there are times when I get pissed off, I can control it a lot better than before. I don’t lose my patience as much now as I did before and when I’m not sick, I am hungry almost constantly. I don’t think I’m gaining or losing any weight, I'd say it’s probably about the same as when I started, just my weight isn’t distributed the same as it was before.

I really can’t wait until I’m over whatever sickness that I have, and I can breath again without hacking up a lung. This has really put a damper on my training plans.

In August there’s a marathon going on in Fayetteville and I’d like to participate in it. For me it’s pretty exciting because I’ve never done anything like this before, but I have to get better first, because breathing is absolutely a necessity when you’re running a mile.

I’ve begun to save for my top surgery and I would like to have it done before the year is out. I really wanted to use the Google Adsense program as a way to save up money, but that isn’t an option as I think Google hates me because I’m too sexy. Right, because they absolutely look at my pictures. Anyway, I’ve started a fund raising account to help with my top surgery. If anyone is interested the link is http://www.gofundme.com/2mxzm4

So, there it is. I’m actually planning to make my next big step. Yes, the thought of surgery scares me, but the need to have my body match my mind…it’s more than just a need….

Away with the Sickness Already!!

Right. I know I’m a huge Disturbed fan, but I am sorry…I am just not Down with this Sickness, other kinds perhaps, just not the kind that leaves me gasping for breath like a fish out of water. The good news is, I am feeling much better and quite possibly will have the energy to keep up with my blogging once again.

I was supposed to be speaking in a panel this afternoon about Sex and Gender for one of my professor friends, however she is sick and had to reschedule, so I’ll now be speaking on Monday at 3 in Springdale. Basically I just tell the class about myself and then answer questions, doesn’t seem that hard really. It’s pretty much the same thing I do almost every day on my blog, minus the question asking.

I have to say, there are several things that have been floating around in the media over the past couple of days that have really been bothering me.

The Boston marathon, it was beyond horrible what happened and I cannot begin to fathom why someone would do such a thing, but I would like to point out how the people of Boston came together in the wake of such a horrific tragedy. Despite the fact that someone with an askew moral compass ended several lives and forever changed the lives of countless others, the community pulled together to show love and support for one another. Everyone was human; nothing more, nothing less. It amazes me though, to think that something horrible has to happen for a community to band together so closely and help each other.

Sure there are people ranting about terrorists being responsible and I’m sure the media is covering this like a pack of ravenous hyenas closing in on a kill, but I refuse to give people that commit such atrocities my attention. Maybe, if the media did the same for any event this detrimental then “Going out in a blaze of glory” wouldn’t be the norm here in the United States.

Another thing that has really gotten up my ire is the UFC fighter Matt Mitrione who said some rather nasty things about a fellow UFC fighter Fallon Fox. Like myself, Ms. Fox is transgender except she’s an MtF. Some of the stuff this asshat said about Fox was just downright hatful and ignorant. Yes, it really pissed me off. Rather than attempt to understand a fellow athlete this guy opened his mouth and let stupidity spill forth. Seriously, about half of what he did say really didn’t make sense, it was like he was talking out of his ass, which is, in fact, probably far better looking than his face. I don’t think this dude can even fathom what changes actually happen when someone undergoes HRT, especially so when they have completely transitioned. Either way, I have to give major props to the UFC who have suspended this guy indefinitely. They were quoted as having said, “The UFC is a friend and ally of the LGBT community, and expects and requires all 450 of its athletes to treat others with dignity and respect.” Major, major props UFC. Maybe now I’ll buy some of the cool shirts you mass produce.

Maybe not.

Anyway.

It was really nice to see an organization like this come out in support of the LGBT community.

By the way, Fallon Fox, yeah she’s hot.

So, I’m off to start the day finally. Apartment is clean, I’m almost done with my tea and we need to hike up to Moped U and grab a new scooter. Which both Emily and I are super excited about. Neither one of us have ever owned a new vehicle.

While the Neon isn’t completely dead, it’s dead beyond what we can put into it because I’m not allowed to work on cars in the apartment parking lot, so this was really our best course of action. It’s though the blessing of my wonderful Momma (Emily’s mother) that we’re able to do this. So, we’re off.

Out with it already!

For the love of all things holy and some things that aren’t. I wish that I could kick this cold/flu/whatever the fuck it is making breathing nearly an impossible feat. No, it isn’t so bad that I need to go to the ER, it’s just frustrating that it’s such a pain to pant every three feet I walk. I want to start training for a marathon that I want to run this August and I can’t do that when I can’t breath.

While I have been able to catch up on some reading and begin watching Supernatural from Season one, this bed rest thing is really getting annoying. If I could just get out what is stuck in my lungs like clinging little leeches then I would be fine. I’ve tried about three different over the counter medicines and the only thing that helps at all is Mucinex which takes like berry flavored asshole. Sorry, but it’s the truth. At least I think it’s the truth, not that I’ve ever tasted berry flavored asshole, but if I had indeed tasted it, I imagine it would taste exactly like this crap that I’ve been choking down. I’ve been keeping myself hydrated so I don’t shrivel up and blow away with the wind. (Not that even hurricane strength winds could blow me away right now.)

I did manage to walk up to the library earlier and sit in outside for a while which was rather nice. I enjoyed the fresh air and being outside, a wonderful change from the confines of my bedroom in which Emily has trapped me. I swear if I was to leave the room she would attack me, bludgeon me over the head and drag me back inside after which she would promptly duct tape me to the bed and sit on me. It took me a while to convince her we should walk up to the library and that the fresh air would be good for me.

Anyway, about the marathon. It’s on August 3rd, which is a good few months away and I think it would be a great opportunity for me to really get into shape and have fun. I’ve never done anything like this before but I’m feeling adventurous and perhaps just a little insane, but then again when aren’t I a tad bit insane? Honestly? Probably never. So, I’m going to do it. Once I kick this ick I’ll start training for it.

Well fuck you too asshole…

Maybe I’m just a little over sensitive because I’m sick, (Right now, I can’t even talk, I only manage whispered squeaks when I want to verbally communicate with anyone.) but it really pisses me off when people text or message me only when they want something from me.

There’s a person that I have tried being friendly with since I met them, I’ve offered for them to come over and hang out, yet four times I’ve been left hanging every single time. The only time this person ever texts me is when they want to just lead me along on a merry goose chase. It’s clear they are just leading me on and blowing me off, and after four times it’s really starting to piss me off.

On top of this crap my car has died and now we have to get another for of transportation. We are trying to get a moped/scooter thing from a local store here in town. We’ll be looking into that tomorrow, maybe then I’ll be able to talk. I’ve been eating Luden’s all day, eating hot and sour soup and drinking lots of water while watching a Supernatural marathon, so hopefully that will work.

I’m worried about money yet again, because of the car breaking down, but I’m trying not to stress about it too much because it will just make me sicker. On the bright side of things, we are within walking distance of pretty much everything we need until we do get another form of transportation.

So, while I’m in a sick pissy mood, there is still a silver lining I suppose.

Playing Catch Up…Again

 

So I haven’t posted in the past few days, shame on me. I’ve been not only busy but it would seem that yesterday I managed to get myself sick. Great timing huh? Seeing as I have company all this week. I had to cancel plans for a dinner party tonight which really upset me, but I don’t know if whatever I have is contagious and I would rather not get my friends sick.

So, yesterday I managed to find myself one of the few pieces of furniture I’ve always wanted, a roll-top desk! It was only $15.00 which was a major steal, even though it’s a smaller one. I am in love with it! So I tied it to the roof of my car like I’ve done everything else while moving and made the trek home. Getting it up the stairs was an adventure and being grumpy and sick I was in a fussy mood. Luckily one of the neighbors helped me get it up the stairs when Emily couldn’t and it’s now sitting in my living room full of books, papers and everything a fledgling author needs to pen a wonderful work of insanity.

This morning I leave the house to finish getting the supplies I needed for the dinner party, which I had to cancel. I get to the store (Wal-Mart….I will never shop there again.) and after the fiasco at the self-check out in which the machine when screwy and no one could be bothered to fix it, I walked out leaving my supplies at the counter. When I got into my car and tried to turn the engine over… nothing happened. That’s right. It would seem that my starter decided to stop working on me. Needless to say, I was pissed. I ended up walking the several mile hike home while Emily called the tow truck to have the damned thing towed home. Sadly enough, I beat her home by almost thirty minutes.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I’ve managed to somehow twist my foot or something while walking home in flip-flops, because now the bottom of my right foot has a shooting pain whenever I put pressure on it.

AND, on top of it all today, I had to listen to bass so loud it could be heard from two blocks away and inside my apartment while some frat boys partied. This kept up from 6 or 7 tonight until 10. I’m finding it extremely hard to keep my temper right now.

Emily wants me to go to the ER because of the fact that I’m having a little trouble breathing, but I don’t want to deal with the doctors fusing about me being a transsexual. I would possibly lose it on one of them if I was treated in a disrespectful manner, which would really not be a good thing. I get rather pissy when I get sick, because I rarely get sick at all.

On the plus side of things, I’m beginning to see some effects of the HRT. My facial hair, while still extremely sparse, is more than what I had before. My face is also thinning out some, but like a few other things, that could be because I’m working out. My major “personal” issue that I was having is FINALLY starting to go away. My voice crackles a lot as of lately, and has really started to deepen. I don’t have to work anymore to make my voice passable. If I restrain from getting too over excited my voice doesn’t sound feminine at all.

I haven’t been called anything other than Sir by strangers since the third day of my HRT which, of course, makes me happier than I could ever express.

I haven’t heard from my parents in a while, and while it makes me sad, I know it’s not me, it’s them. They have my phone number and can call when they want…It does hurt, but I’ve realized that I can’t live my life according to how others want me to. I am an adult, and while people don’t agree with my decisions, I hope that they can respect them. If they can’t do that, then I don’t want, nor do I need them in my life.

I suppose that is my biggest bit of advice for anyone thinking about anything that other people are against, like transitioning. It’s your life, you are going to have to live with yourself everyday for the rest of your life. If it makes you happy, or makes you feel whole, then do it. Don’t put your life on hold for people that refuse to respect your decisions as an adult. In the end, it will just make you miserable, not them.

In other news, having my soon-to-be mother-in-law around is really nice. We’ve all been having a wonderful time, and we have been able to show her some of the beautiful areas here in Northwest Arkansas, such as Devil’s Den. Tomorrow we are going to drive up to Eureka Springs and show her that area. She had been amazed at the beauty here, just like we were when we first moved here.

It’s a nice feeling to finally find a place that we can not only call home, but also feels like home. It’s wonderful finally making friends and actually living life rather than hiding away all the time.

MIA for the next week

So yesterday my mother in law to be arrived in Fayetteville safe and sound. During the next week I may be a little lax in my posting. I will try to make updates but I can't promise anything.

I will make a post at the end of the week for a recap. :)

Missed

A couple of hours ago, I realized that I forgot to make a post for last night. I’ve been really busy these last couple of days trying my best to get the apartment in order. The entire front room was full of totes and boxes. I still have no clue where I’m going to put half of the stuff we have. Emily and I both lost our desks when we had to move out of “my parent’s house”. Yes, I am still a little bitter about that whole order, though I am getting better.

So I have several totes full of items that belong on my desk, that now only have a small corner desk to fit on. We have totes full of books and movies that have no bookshelf to go on, and our sofa in an inflatable on that pulls out into an airbed. It really was pretty neat until the cats saw fit to sharpen their claws on it.

Tomorrow afternoon Dreama will be here and I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want the place to look like a total mess, but we’re still trying to sort through our belongings. To make things tougher, our fridge died yesterday and everything we had in it went along with it. When we texted our landlord we were told he would be here on Monday, so we’ve had to go without a fridge for the past day and a half.

We’re still working on getting everything changed over to our new place. While we’re supposed to have free Wi-Fi here, I can only get signal in the bedroom which really makes it hard to work on anything productive, like essays or my book. So, we are going to try to get out own internet once we have all the bills straightened out.

I don’t know why but Google doesn’t want to let me participate in the AdSense program, so I’m going to try to find another way that I can generate income through my writing.

Moving is so…

Exhausting, plain and simple. Fastening large pieces of furniture to the roof of my Neon is always such a fun thing to do. We have most of our storage unit cleared out and moved into our new apartment. I’m fairly sure I can fit everything that’s left in one car load. I am looking forward to finally being done with moving, and then it’s on to unpacking everything.

We’re really excited because on Monday, Emily’s mother should be arriving in Fayetteville for a week long visit! We haven’t seen her in a long time and we are stoked. We’re having dinner with a few friends on Friday, which makes me a bit nervous because I’ll be cooking for a decent size group.

I love to cook, and I love cooking for others. There’s nothing like a good home cooked meal to bring friends and family together for good times. I still haven’t decided on what to make yet, but I have a week to come up with something. I can cook from any recipe like a boss and make it my own. I suppose it’s a culinary gift.

I’ve noticed that my arms are a bit more muscular, and my chest is a little flatter than when I first started HRT. I think that’s a combination of not only the HRT but also my working out with weights. Seeing some sort of result in just three weeks really makes me want to work out more. I really can’t believe I said it, but I did. I’m actually enjoying working out.

We are seriously considering keeping both of the boys out of public school and continuing to homeschool them. If not both, then at least just the Monkey. He’s different than most other children, and when I say that I don’t mean he doesn’t like his foods touching or likes to eat paste or something. He likes the color pink, which caused a big issue at his last school, and he likes to dress like a girl at times. I can see the latter being a huge issue if he decided that he wanted to go to school dressed like that. A lot of kids and even teachers wouldn’t understand. At times I find myself wondering if the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree. I refuse to force him to adhere to any “gender protocol” though, he is free to dress in whatever he wants, and I will ALWAYS be there to support his choices, just like the other two brats. As long as they aren’t doing something completely stupid, then I will always be there to support their decisions. I think as adults, we tend to forget that children are people too.

Not too much of a post for tonight, and I guarantee there wasn’t too much intelligence put behind it. I’m a truly exhausted and ready to make sweet, sweet snoring love to my bed.

I am…invisible?

Years ago, before I came to terms with who and what I am, I was praying for invisibility more often than not. I didn’t want people to look at me, I didn’t want people to pay attention to me. I didn’t think that anything I said or did had any merit. This was partially because of the emotional abuse I suffered at the hands, or rather mouths, of my peers in high school, among other people. It was also partially because I didn’t want to be seen as a freak. For the longest time, I never knew there was a word to describe me other than freak. Knowing in my heart and in my mind that I was a guy while being stuck in a female body made things tough on me.

While I bound my chest and wore baggy clothing to conceal my female shape as best as possible, I still didn’t want people to notice me. I wanted to be completely invisible, and if anyone did see me, I wanted them to see a nobody. Someone that was so unimportant that they couldn’t be bothered to give the time of day to.

This theory worked for me, at least for a while, but I have to say I was still miserable. I would go to bed wishing that I would wake up in my proper body and that my life up to that point was just a bad dream. Of course when I did dream, I was always a male in my dreams. I always have been, at least when I am myself. There was a point in time, that this need not to be seen and the want to wake up in the right body caused me quite a bit of trouble. I couldn’t tell when I was asleep and when I was awake. When I would realize that I was awake I would become depressed and irritable.

Eventually, due to mood swings and nothing else, I was diagnosed with having bi-polar disorder, something that has completely gone away since I started transitioning. I’ve been told by a very reliable clinical psychologist and good friend, that I might not have had bi-polar to begin with, just gender identity disorder.

This all happened during a time I was praying for invisibility.

It was a gradual change in me, when I realized that I was not only happier, but better off mentally and emotionally when I stopped trying to pretend that I didn’t exist and that my problems were all in my head. My own mother had tried to convince me of the latter on several occasions, citing my depression as “just being in my head.”

As I’ve shed this cloak of invisibility and became more comfortable with myself and my self-image. I have begun to really learn who I am and what I can do, and I will say it is pretty amazing. I’m slowly getting over my social anxiety, and becoming more involved in the community.

I can understand a lot of people that are transsexuals wanting to hide from the world. To fight for their transition, but when it’s over try to disappear, to just meld into the masses of the so-called normal members of society. After all I tried to do it myself and only ended up hating what I was becoming.

I think that the people represented by the T in LGBTQ try to run away from their past as fast as they can transition and assimilate into the population, and that’s okay, but it’s not for me. I am a trans man and nothing is ever going to change that. Even after I have all the surgeries I plan and I’ve been on HRT for years, I’m still going to be a trans man. Nothing can ever make me a CIS man, and I will, until the day I die be somewhat incomplete.

I, however, refuse to be ashamed of who or what I am. I will proudly stand by my brothers and sisters in the Rainbow Soup, and I will represent the T. Even if I stand alone, I will know that someone stood up for my trans brothers and trans sisters who could not bring themselves to.

So Much for the United States Constitution

So as I’m wandering around the net during the day as I often do looking for tasty bits of knowledge to fill my downtime I came across an article that stated North Carolina is seeking to establish a state religion. At first I couldn’t believe what I was reading, surely this had to a be a horrible late April Fool’s joke, right? Nope. It’s real.

Two Republican representatives from North Carolina sponsored this bout of idiocy which clearly goes against our First Amendment right, granted in the United States Constitution. Here’s the thing though, the people backing this bill are stating that the United States Constitution is little more than toilet paper in good old North Carolina.

Section one of this bill reads:

The North Carolina General Assembly asserts that the Constitution of the United States of America does not prohibit states or their subsidiaries from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.

In section two the bill goes on to say:

The North Carolina General Assembly does not recognize federal court rulings which prohibit and otherwise regulate the State of North Carolina, its public schools or any political subdivisions of the State from making laws respecting an establishment of religion.

So basically these so called representatives of North Carolina don’t feel their state has to follow the same guidelines and rules as the other states set forth by the United States Constitution. The jest of the bill is to A) allow North Carolina to declare an official religion and B) nullify any federal ruling against Christian bodies in the state of North Carolina.

Have these law makers never heard of the separation of church and state? I didn’t think another state could beat out Arkansas for having the biggest assclowns in office, but clearly I was wrong. These guys from North Carolina take the assclown cake.

To make matters worse, the Racial Justice Act was recently repealed allowing executions to be restarted in North Carolina, what the hell is this state being run by? Members of the Ku Klux Klan!?

Of course Carl Ford (one of the sponsors) says that this bill is “only intended to allow Rowan county commissioners to open their meeting with prayers, not establish a state religion.” Funny, every time I read back over section one I can’t help but notice the part about the US Constitution having no right to prohibit a state from establishing a religion.

Fed Up.

 

Jason Rapert. Where do I begin with this guy? Well tonight I’m just going to cover a “note of thanks” he sent to all his Facebook followers. Just reading it gives me a migraine and makes me wonder if he’s even read the United State Constitution.

“Don’t ever feel sorry for me that people try to intimidate, threaten and ridicule me for being a Christian public official that believes is is important to give God the glory and vote for principles that uphold a moral standard in our nation.”

Is that the biggest run-on sentence you’ve seen in your life or what? I am left to surmise that there is, in fact, no educational requirements for being a representative for Arkansas. However, it would appear that being an asshat that doesn’t know the difference between church and state is indeed a requirement.

He goes on to say in his “little” note:

“ The values I support are those that our Founding Fathers wove into the fabric of our great Republic in our founding documents – the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights and the United States Constitution.”

Founding fathers and founding documents!? Oh snap that’s a lot of finding going on, but apparently this guy couldn’t find his ass with both hands. I guess Rapert also supports slavery and cross-dressing since that’s what our “founding fathers” did.

Rapert also claims that “secular humanists” have silenced prayers in schools, made it legal to kill unborn children and attacked any recognition of Jesus during Christmas.

Really?!

Since when was this country the United States of Christianity. The First Amendment to the United States Constitution aka Bill of Rights, a document that he proclaims to protect the values of, gives the freedom of religion. It does not say “Freedom of religion as long as it is Christian”, it states:

“The Congress shall make no law representing an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceable to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.”

Oh my, looks like Congress shall make NO LAW supporting or discriminating against any one religion, and that would include Christianity. So keep your Christian morals out of my laws.

As for abortion; yes, it’s legal and no, I don’t like it. My problem is the fact the state can say it is perfectly fine to murder someone if the judicial system can condone it but it’s not okay to have an abortion. Make up your mind, either you support murder or you don’t. Also another Christian ideal that is being forced on the people. There are several religions that believe in an taking justice into their own hands and that doesn’t include a group of peers sitting around talking about what may or may not have happened. Here’s the problem, lawyers want to get paid, they want a high conviction rate (as prosecutors) and they are willing to send innocent people to prison because of this. It’s happened before.

As for the Jesus and Christmas thing, Jesus wasn’t born in December. During the rise of Christianity it was feared that the Pagans would gain power once again, so in order for the rulers (who were Christian) to subdue the Pagan faiths they melded the holidays and celebrations of “The Church” and the Pagans together. Christmas has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus but rather the Feast of Midas which was a week long celebration beginning around Yule (December 21st). It was nothing more than a drunken spree of gluttony, something that was outlawed by the Puritans when they first immigrated to America.

I could really go on for hours, but I’m leaving it at that for tonight. Emily had a job interview today at a vet clinic in Rogers and she’s excited that she might get the position. Other than that my day’s been nothing out of the ordinary. I did get a library card today and until I get reliable internet at home I’ll probably be spending more time there. I’ve taken a liking to this type of blogging so I might split my blogs and just pick up another for this kind of blogging while keeping my personal/transitional blog.

Tomorrow I get to take another shot in the ass and Emily has tests so I bid you all a good night, 5am comes too early.

A Whole Lot of Controversy *Mature Content*

 

Tonight I’m in a mood, not a bad mood, nor a good mood, just a mood in general. I would like to cover a couple of people that I have been seeing a bit of today, Sue Everhart and Thomas Beastie. For those of you that don’t know who they are, I’ll cover that in my rants, rest assured.

So, on to the first topic, Sue Everhart.

Sue Everhart is a GOP Chairwoman from Georgia who has proclaimed if same-sex marriages are legalized it will cause all sorts of fraud. She seems to think that people of the same sex will begin to marry each other solely for the purpose of having health insurance causing a scheme of fraud unlike which we have ever seen before.

At this point I would like to point out if straight people wanted health insurance through means like this, all they have to do is marry each other, which is of course already legal.

Ms. Everhart even went as far as admitting that she didn’t understand how two gay people could have sex, stating “If it was natural, they would have the equipment to have a sexual relationship.”

If it was natural…

I could go on for hours naming all the unnatural things that your average straight human being does, and most of them aren’t illegal or fraudulent.

Also, generally speaking, the term “gay” is used to describe a man that is sexually attracted to another man. It doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that a man is only one hole less than a female, who have three perfectly good holes for intercourse.

Either this lady is naïve, to think that gay guys don’t take it up the ass or give oral, or she’s downright stupid.

Why in the hell is this woman even trying to picture two gay guys having sex in the first place?

Why does sex have to be the basis of a relationship?

My theory about Ms. Everhart…She’s never had the Big “O'” in her entire life and thinks women should subjugate themselves to their husbands for dutiful sex as needed.

Now on to Thomas Beatie.

Oh my, where should I begin.

Does anyone remember the man that gave birth back several years ago?

That’s Thomas Beatie.

Beatie is a transsexual male, that underwent HRT, had a double mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery during his transition. Not out of the average to be honest. Then he got married to his current wife, again not out of the ordinary. After that, Beatie decided that because his wife couldn’t conceive he was going to do it himself.

A total what the fuck moment but still, to each their own. I would have adopted one of the many children in foster care, but that is just me. I can understand wanting a child that is your own flesh and blood, but technically if his wife had been able to conceive then the child wouldn’t have been his anyway.

There was a huge scandal about Beatie giving birth (for the first time) and then he pretty much fell out of the media’s crosshairs until recently. Recently Beatie and his wife filed for divorce and were denied.

When I first saw the story I thought that the judge was being a prick, but then I read more about the case. It would seem that after the above mentioned transitioning modifications Beatie stopped transitioning and had three children. Yes, not just one, but three!

I can understand wanting a family and having babies, but as a trans man myself, I cannot understand beginning to transition, getting half-way there and then stopping everything just to mass produce offspring of my own. Like I said before, I would adopt, which is really what Emily and I plan to do when we are finally settled down.

The judge presiding over this case has denied the Beaties a divorce on the basis that Thomas could not prove that he was a transsexual male  at the time of the marriage (because he has given birth THREE times since then) and citing that Arizona doesn’t allow same-sex marriages, therefore in the eyes of the state the marriage was invalid to begin with.

So, like any good attention whore Beatie has found his way back into the spotlight, throwing a fit because a judge has refused to issue a divorce. I know that I am going to catch a lot of hell for this, but I side with the judge. This is why:

1) Arizona doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage, because Beatie stopped efforts to transition and from what it looks like never resumed them, he technically isn’t considered a trans man. From the looks of it, (according to the info I have found. If I am wrong, please someone let me know.) Beatie simply changed the gender marker on his driver’s license and nothing else. He couldn’t be considered No-Op because he was on HRT and had chest reconstruction. This is being technical, and looking at the case from a legal stand point rather than an emotional one.

2) Beatie gave birth not once, not twice, but three times after proclaiming to be trans and starting transitioning. Men don’t give birth. That’s one of those special things that women can do. I’ve been there, done that, but it was before I came out as being trans. It was during a time in my life when I was trying to convince myself that I was something or someone I’m not. When I made the decision to begin HRT I also made the decision to never have anymore biological children.  This is also a point the judge has made. Beatie can still give birth like most women can. Men cannot just pop out kids. Even trans men that haven’t had bottom surgery don’t go around giving birth.

Seriously, this guy pisses me off. It’s hard enough being trans without someone making a mockery out of it while being an attention whore.

Here is my question though, if the judge has already deemed the marriage invalid because it is being viewed as a same-sex marriage, then why is there still an issue?

I’m sure this is a very fine line to walk, but according to the current laws, I believe the judge is in the right.

I’m not saying that I support these laws or support DOMA for that matter, because I don’t. I’m just saying that I feel the judge ruled correctly in accordance to the current statues of the law.

HRT Week 2 March 25–31st

 

I wasn’t paying as close of attention as I should have been this week to my development on HRT.

Generally, my voice is still dropping, not very much but it is noticeable for people that haven’t seen me in a couple of weeks.

I’m having a few “personal” issues, but those are due to stop within a few months because of the T.

Emotion wise I feel like I’m better off than I was before. My moods don’t shift erratically, and I find that I can keep my temper better than before. I don’t get angry for no reason at all.

I’m starting to gain a little better muscle tone in my arms, which could also be because I’m working out a little more than I used to.

The first week I was on HRT I was ravenously hungry and could eat almost anything at any time, I’ve found that that has changed. I’m hardly ever hungry any more and when I do eat, I get full fast.

Other than that, there really isn’t any more that I can think of for this week.

Support Group Night

 

My trans support group meets the last Sunday of every month and tonight is clearly the last Sunday of the month. While it was a holiday there was still a decent group of us that showed up. (Happy Easter to all my Zombie Worshipers out there. I’m jesting, please don’t think I’m mocking your religion. I wouldn’t do something like that…unless it was really warranted.)

We did our support group thing, and I actually really enjoyed myself. While we were locked out of the building (the Equality Center changed the combination to get in) we had a wonderful meeting. It felt more relaxed than usual and I think we were really able to get to know each other a little better.

We met a new member and touched on the camping trip that is being planned. I left the meeting feeling like I was part of something special. It felt good.

We were able to get my desk and chair out of the storage unit today, so for the first time in about three months I have a desk to work at. My desk is set in the living room where I can look out the window and see the graveyard beside and behind us. I can look over the parking lot and over the small “porch” that we have because we’re on the end of the building.

I’m falling in love with this place more and more. It feels like home. I think for once I have a place that feels like home, that I’m excited to come back to after leaving to go somewhere, even if it’s just to the store.

It’s exciting and wonderful, and yet, it’s a little bit scary because it is such a new feeling for me. I can’t ever remember feeling excited about having a place to come home too. A place where I felt safe, a place to have friends over. It’s so new to me.

Today has been a fairly uneventful day other than the support group meeting. Tomorrow we’ll enroll the children in public schools, job hunt and maybe get a library card. While the struggle isn’t over, it’s eased and it’s bearable now. It isn’t something that is so overwhelming that I feel like I’m going to drown.

A Little Distracted

 

Okay, so I realize that I didn’t make a post last night when I woke up this morning. So maybe I should do a quick recap.

Last night Emily and I went to U of A’s Pride Prom with some friends. It’s a prom for everyone that wanted to go basically. We had a pretty fun time at the Prom. It was awesome for me because I never went to my Sr. Prom in high school (I was forbidden by faculty) and Emily didn’t go to any of her Proms. We got to dance together and generally have a fun time for about an hour or so, then we decided we needed a change of scenery.

Emily and I, along with some awesome friends decided it was time to head to Speakeasy. For those of you that have no clue what Speakeasy is, it’s a local “gay” bar in Fayetteville, AR. They are friendly to anyone in the Rainbow Soup (LBGTQ) and it seems to be fairly popular, plus they serve liquor and you get a Jell-O shot just for checking in on Facebook. Awesome right?! Right!

So we head over to Speakeasy and hang out talking and listening to the live music that was there. (The Wild Cards, I think were playing last night) When the dance floor opened around 10, “the gang” went downstairs where we danced and carried on until about 11, when Emily and I headed home.

Awesome awesome night! I’m beginning to like being an adult now.

Now, the best thing about our new apartment is we live about three blocks from Speakeasy, the  Fayetteville Library and other neat little places AND this morning when I woke up and went outside, I could hear birds singing. We are living in the heart of downtown Fayetteville and there are birds singing outside in the morning.

I love it here.

We are still moving and trying to get everything settled in, but after we do I am so having a dinner party for all my new friends. I never thought I would ever enjoy being around people this much.

I am in love with my kitchen, there is enough room for me to cook and for other people to be in the kitchen helping me. We have a dishwasher so no more washing dishes by hand.

I’m still looking for a job, but now there is a plethora of places that I can walk to and not have to worry about gas and the car and such.

I am working on getting a camping trip planned for June 21st with the NWA Trans Support community at Devil’s Den, which is now closer to us, or rather, we are closer to it.

I am still learning to let go of the past, and to move on with my life. It’s hard, but I’m trying and that is really the only thing that I can do. There have been a lot of people that have hurt me, and I’m sure I’ve hurt some people myself, but I’m moving forwards. I’m no longer that angry person with the ideal that I have no future, that life is meaningless and the world sucks.

I’m trying to start over and live my life and have friends and a family and be part of society, rather than hide away from the world like I was taught to do as a child.

I think that I’ve finally realized that I am important, I am worthy. I have so much that I can offer, so much of myself that I am willing to give to make my life and other’s lives better.

Looking Up

Oh my, where to begin. Today has been hectic to say the least. We found a new place, it’s a nice two bedroom apartment in the “heart” (as I’m calling it) of Fayetteville. We now live a short walk away from the library, the Equality center, the bars (No need for a DD when I can stumble!) and a whole huge slew of places. I LOVE IT! What makes it even more awesome, is…drumroll please…I’m less than a block from a cemetery. Just in case I haven’t told some of my readers, I am in love with creepy spooky places, cemeteries being one of them.

Things are really looking up for us. I think I’m going to really start working in earnest on my book while looking for a job, at least part time. Both of the children are excited about going back to public schools but still kind of leery about it.

I know I said I was going to get into a in depth argument about all the reasons DOMA and such are unconstitutional, but I haven’t yet gotten the password for the WIFI at our new place, so I’m going to have to keep my data on my phone down.

I’m still having problems with AT&T and my crappy phone. If I didn’t need a phone I would be canceling my contract right now. They are refusing to do anything short of screwing me over when it comes to their faulty product. I would not recommend ANYONE getting a contract with AT&T. Seriously; I’d suck it up and pay Verizon the deposit.

I’m really excited about inviting friends over to hang out and have dinner, looks like I’m really starting to grow up.

Right, keeping data down because I’m almost at my limit for the month, I’ll –try- to post something big tomorrow, something juicy and so totally awesome it will blow your mind.  

Tired...

Another post from my phone. I'm too tired to sit at the computer and actually type this post, so I'll lay in bed and post from my phone. Which is screwing up yet again and AT&T still hasn't contacted me about.

Bleys somehow pulled off out of his head collar and took off. Needless to say I ended up chasing him. I chased him for two hours before I was finally able to catch him with the help of Emily.  So this is why I'm tired. After being drug through the woods, sticker bushes, pot holes and gravel I'm sure anyone would be.

I was going to write a nice long post tearing apart the arguments I keep seeing against Equality, but that will have to wait until tomorrow when I can think, so that my post is rational and well written, quite the opposite of the opposition.

I am planning a camping trip during the summer with my trans support group, our partners/spouses and allies. Its going to be crazily fun and I'm really excited about it.

A Wonderful Night / Holy Shit I was on TV!

So my morning was a little rough emotionally, but I think that was because I’m due for my shot tomorrow on top of the fact the cats are acting insane.

We, my fiancé and I, went out to dinner with some new wonderful friends. It was honestly the first time in my life that I have ever really done anything like that. Just went out and hung out with anyone. It was amazing! I was even able to enjoy an adult beverage and not be ashamed to show my ID to the server in front of other people. In fact I was able to brag about it and show it off.

It’s wonderful having people that have either been where I am now, is going through what I am, or understands because of their own paths in life. I never thought that I would find friends and a community that were so wonderful and so much fun to be around.

Tomorrow starts the beginning of week two on HRT and I couldn’t be happier. I’m hoping the end of the week will be a little more even because it’s my second week, and I’m still wishing for the insta-facial hair. My voice is starting to drop more and I wake up almost every morning with a sore throat, but I’m actually happy about it, because it means that my body is finally undergoing the changes that it should have nearly 15 years ago.

Before dinner, we stopped by the Rally in support of Marriage Equality in Fayetteville, AR. We would have loved to stay for the whole event, however we had already made plans. We stood proudly supporting what we believe in and …

WE WERE ON TV!

Holy crap!

This was the first time EVER that I have been on the news or TV in general. It was so awesome!

No, I’m not holding the sign I made, we got there a little late and someone else had already snagged it, but I made sure to give them a high five and chat a bit while we proudly supported Marriage Equality. Emily, my fiancé, is holding the sign that I helped her made on Saturday. (I just wrote the black lettering for her.) Even the signs that the kids had made on Saturday were used too! It was simply amazing and the energy was fantastic. It almost brought tears to my eyes to see how many people were there supporting Equality. 

If we didn’t have dinner plans in advance, our boys would have been out there with us, proudly holding their signs supporting equality. We may not be traditional parents, and we may not be the best parents in the world, but we know not to teach our children to hate others for their differences. We teach them to accept and love others and celebrate diversity.

     

        

   

If anyone wants to see the news feed with Emily and I in it. It can be found here.

Another day.

 

So, I was able to get yet another phone from AT&T and I’m not really happy about it. I’m supposed to be getting a call from Customer Service about changing phones because of the clear defect with the LG Escape. I guess we will see what happens with that.

Today was a rather uneventful day and actually rather quiet with the exception of Artemis and Hamlet getting used to Bleys. They are slowly starting to warm up, Artemis more so than Hamlet, but they are getting better. It will take time like introducing any new animal.

Bleys is doing wonderful, he’s learning his manners rather quickly as well as where his space is and where the cat’s space is. He is extremely intelligent and rather mouthy, but I love him. He enjoys going for rides in the car with everyone.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day, and not just for me. The United States Supreme Court will begin hearing oral arguments in favor of the repeal of not only Prop 8 but also DOMA! I will be attending the rally in Fayetteville tomorrow afternoon for about an hour, I would stay the whole time, but I made dinner plans with new friends weeks before the rally.

I will definitely be taking pictures and I will post them tomorrow.

Speaking of pictures, because I save everything to my SD card and back up my phone info, I was able to save the pictures I have been taking for progress. So, I will probably post those as well.

Well, I’m off to walk Bleys before bedtime. Good night.

HRT Report–Week One: March 20th - 24th

 

March 20th – First shot of T. I am currently taking 1mL each week via IM injection. Didn’t notice much of a difference for the entire day.

March 21st – First full day after my shot. Physically, not much of a change; mentally, a huge change in emotional levels and clarity. A lot of normal anger, gone.

March 22nd – Woke up with a sore throat and achy, but my voice has begun to drop. It is easier for me to talk in a “deeper” voice without struggling.

March 23rd – Same as the previous day, as far as the achy body. Voice about the same. Attitude is completely different. I don’t get angry without reason and I’m a lot more even tempered.

March 24th – Emotionally still even without any ups or downs. Even though my voice isn’t as deep as it was the previous day, it’s still passable.   I struggle to sing any “high” notes. ( I love singing) People around me are commenting on how different of a person I have become.

Snow in March? What is this madness.

Okay, so I was supposed to do a video for tonight’s HRT Week One, but I forgot, so I’m just going to do a written one this week. I would post the photos I’ve been taking over the past week, but my phone is dead once again.
It would seem that LG, being the ~wonderful~ company that they are made it so their phones could only be charged by LG chargers, and off brand chargers kill their phones for no apparent reason. No one at AT&T seems to know this, but I can assure everyone they will tomorrow. This will be the THIRD phone I’ve had to get within two months, so needless to say, I’m a little miffed about it.
I am going to try to get them to give me a different brand of phone because of all the trouble with this one, I suppose we’ll see how that works out.
So, I’ve managed to lose all the pictures that I had saved…again.
Anyway that’s why there will be no pictures this week and no video because I’m too lazy tonight.

Busy day

 

Today was a busy day, and yet I don’t feel like I really did too much.

I went to the NWA Center for Equality around noon to help make posters for the rally in Fayetteville on the 26th of this month supporting the Repeal of DOMA. I was a bit surprised to find out that my family and I were the only ones that showed up to help, except the guy that was at the center itself. It really made me stop and think for a moment that the community really needs to come together. So, I’ve applied for a volunteer position with the center. I really hope that I can start making a difference and helping to bring the community together. I have some really cool ideas and I don’t mind fighting for what I believe in.

I had a really nice chat this afternoon with a new friend. We have more things in common than I thought, and it was nice being able to sit down and chat for a couple hours. I wouldn’t mind doing it again.

When we finally got home I worked with the brats for a while with their math. We’re homeschooling them, and the 12 year old has been having a bit of trouble with equations.

I woke up again feeling like a had been gargling rocks, while I don’t mind it one bit I keep a huge glass of water by the bed now. My entire body is achy but I think that’s just because I’ve been lifting weights and working out. I’m trying to lose weight and get in better shape.

Tomorrow, I think, is just going to be a hang out day where I do a whole lot of nothing, unless the idiot next door starts screaming and beating on his girlfriend again. Then things could get ugly, but other than that, I’m hoping for a peaceful day.

A Whole New Man

 

The highlight of my day was finally being called Sir when talking on the phone, the downside to that though, was the fact that I was calling the police department because the guy next to us decided to use his girlfriend, I’m guessing, as a punching bag. I wasn’t allowed to simply kick to the door down and beat the guy to a blood pulp, as my instincts said I should do. My finance forbade that, so instead I did something that I usually don’t do. I picked up my cellphone, found the local PD number and called.

While a part of me was beaming with pride when the office said “Can I get your name please, Sir,” a part of me was cringing for this poor lady next door, who’s worthless piece of shit was slapping her around.

I have to keep reminding myself that a) Momma doesn’t have bail money if I get locked up for pummeling this douche and b) if I get locked up my family will be stuck next door to this class A douche without me to protect them. So I will do that only thing that I really can, and that’s call the police when he slaps her around and pray he gets enough balls to say something to me.

Oh yes, if he hits me first I have no problem defending myself with extreme force which would include breaking his face on the concrete.

What’s extremely odd for me though, is how calm I am about all of this. Am I mad that this guy feels the need to slap around his woman loud enough that my boys are sitting on their beds with looks of dismay on their face? Absolutely, but I’m not so raging mad that I can’t think clearly like I used to get. I freaking love it!

I did wake up this morning feeling like I had gargled rocks, but it really didn’t bother me in the least, especially when I realized that my voice is already beginning to drop.

Hell and yes!

My father called me today to inform me that I had mail at my parents house, and I honestly think that he didn’t realize who I was when I answered the phone.

He still calls me by my birth name, and for the time being I allow it seeing as he is the only one from my birth family that is still decent towards me. However, in a few months when my HRT really starts getting along, I’m going to try to get him to have lunch with me so we can have a father-son heart to heart.

I don’t think my mother will ever except me, but maybe my Dad will. I don’t think he realizes that ever since I was little he’s always been my Hero.

But for now, it’s morning rock gargling, evening weight lifting and cardio when I can find the time and place to hike.

Oh yeah. Tomorrow I get to meet up with a fellow trans man for a chit chat. I’m nervous because I generally fuck things like this, because I’m totally socially awkward, but let’s hope for the best.

Then on Tuesday I’m having dinner with a rather large group from the community who I really hope to form friendships with. I’m really excited about both events.

On Sunday, I’ll begin the weekly HRT posts. I know it’s not a complete week, but I think it’ll be a good day to start.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

 

Less than 48 hours ago, I was worried about how I would be dealing mentally with starting to take T. Yesterday my doctor warned me that I could have issues with rages. I made an internal note not to drive in heavy traffic and try to stay as calm as possible.

When I woke up this morning I was a little achy like I was starting to get the flu, but that went away after I drug myself from the warmth of the bed to start the day.

I grumbled to myself as I got dressed so that I could go out, I originally planned to take the boys to Crystal Bridges to walk the trails, but snow and rain put an end to those plans rather fast. Instead, we went to the Museum of Native American History. A great learning opportunity since we are homeschooling them.

We wandered around the museum for several hours, and while one of the groups of people there were loud and noisy, with screaming, stomping children, I was only mildly annoyed. Usually I would have just left to keep myself from going off on the parents and their inability to keep their demon horde in line, but I didn’t.

We finished with the museum and talked about the different eras and the artifacts that were there. Each of the boys even got their own authentic arrow head, which made their day.

It was the drive home that I realized something was extremely different with me. Someone cut me off in traffic and while I yelled at them as usual…I wasn’t angry about it.

Okay, something doesn’t measure up here people.

I was told I could possibly have rages because my body isn’t used to the T and it’s like I’m having the exact opposite.

I’m calmer than I usually am, and while people have been annoying on several occasions, rather than get pissed like I usually do, it’s like it doesn’t even matter to me.

It….It feels nice…

I might be able to manage this thing called a life after all.

On a side note…I want my facial hair. Yes, I know it’s been less than 48 hours since I started but damned it I just want to wake up tomorrow and be like BOOM GRISLEY ADAMS!

It’s Official!

 

I have officially started HRT. I am taking one mL a week via shot. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful fiancé who is a veterinary assistant and knows how to give shots without using me for a dart board.

I’m still in a state of disbelief. After nearly seven years I’m finally able to begin my transitioning. It has been a long and hard road to get where I am today, and I have been through hell, but I think I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I found a really nice pharmacy in Fayetteville that I will be using. They compound the T there and it’s only $55 for a 10mL vial without any sort of insurance. Cornerstone Pharmacy on Zion Rd.

I’ve decided that each week I’ll be making a post that is strictly about my progress through HRT, complete with photos and most a weekly video, well maybe a video. No promises.

I don’t expect too much of a change within the first week, but we shall see.

It is now that I really begin my journey of transitioning.

Tomorrow

Tonight's post is going to be a bit short as I am writing from my phone this evening. Tomorrow is the big day. I go in for my first HRT appointment. I am honestly not as nervous as I thought I would be. Yes, its almost midnight but I'm not still awake because I can't sleep. I was watching a movie. Upon readying myself for I bed I realized I hadn't made a post for tonight.

So here is my post.  There really hasn't been much to say about today really. I lounged around most of the day wanting to conserved gas for my appointment tomorrow. Its an hour drive one way and while my little neon gets awesome gas mileage its still a good distance there and back.

Starting tomorrow I will be taking a picture and maybe a video recording of myself providing all goes well. I keep saying I'll get around to making a website but I detest my laptop and working with programs like Dreamweaver and Photoshop on it really don't agree with the computer's processor or lack thereof. So, I'll get around to that eventually.

I've started a Deviantart account for those of you that are interested it is:

Http://keleayunli.deviantart.com

Check it out if you want. Add me as a friend or just glare at your monitor and tell me to screw myself. It doesn't make any difference to me.

Anyway. Goodnight. Wish me luck. :)

Two days and a Confession

Two more days until my first HRT appointment. I am nervous, I am scared, and I’m in a bit of a surreal state. I can’t believe that I’m finally going to be able to really start my transitioning. While I have been openly trans since 2005 and have been living as I am now for most of that time, this is really the first huge step I’ve made towards making my outside match my inside.

I’ve tried, since coming out to my parents, to get them to understand or at least accept me. I have dropped my whole life, and two years ago the beginning of my transitioning, for them whenever they needed me. I’ve done it time and time again.

I’ve told myself if I just push everything down, just try to be that daughter that my mother HAD to have out of spite, then they would love and accept me. After all, it would be easier for them to see me as a lesbian right?

I couldn’t do it.

I can’t and I won’t.

For the first time in my life I truly stood up to my mother. In January I told her that I was going to transition and there was nothing that was going to change my mind, nothing she could do or say that would make me stop. I was tired of living a lie for her sake.

I wasn’t disrespectful or mean when I told her. I simply laid out the facts about what I was planning to do. She didn’t say much of anything when I told her, just “okay” and I thought everything between us would be okay. False hopes.

Over the past three months I’ve been struggling a lot with how my mother, the person I thought would be there for me no matter what, has started treating me. She says it’s because I’m with my fiancé, but I know that isn’t true and I finally realized that the last time I saw her.

She has always treated me differently from my brothers and sister, and maybe deep down she knew I was different. I’ve tried time and time again to rebuild the bond we once had and every time I reach out I get hurt.

I am tired of being hurt by someone that claims they love me but never shows it.

It’s really hard for me to move on when anyone gets close and then leaves me. I still miss Kit and Wolf…I ache for them to be a part of my life, but it will never happen.

I realize I’m not the easiest person to get along with. That’s because I get scared. I’m scared of getting close to them and I do everything I can to push them away. By the time I end up pushing them away, I realize that that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted them to be close, to stay with me because I love them and I care about them, but it’s too late. Even if I apologize and try to explain myself, they don’t care or don’t want to care, and I’m left with a hole in my heart that aches and never stops.

I was never really allowed to make or have friends as a child or even as a teenager, so I wasn’t able to learn the social norms for interaction between friends. I feel like I was an experiment, kept away from other children, and when I started to gain acquaintances I was whisked away to another school in another town or another state so that I would always be dependent on my parents or more specifically my mother.

Every time I would start to form bonds of friendship in high school, my mother would do something to make sure I ended up looking like a total idiot. It was always the smallest things, but I feel like she always set me up to fail.

In the end it was easier to be alone, than to keep looking like an idiot, so I stayed alone.

I stayed alone in my own little world, trapped within the confines of my mind.

I dared not to tell my mother in 1999 that I found a label for my so called “disorder” after searching on the internet for hours each night, taking precaution to clear the cache on the family computer before going to bed. I didn’t dare tell her then that I was transgendered. That I hated my female body, that it was wrong, that it always had been wrong.

I didn’t dare tell her when I first started my “cycle” that I was too ashamed to go to school because boys didn’t bleed like this. I didn’t tell her the reason I cried and cried was because I felt dirty, I felt deformed. She wouldn’t have believed me. Like now, she would have said it was just a phase. Like when I told her I was going to kill myself, then laid down in the street and prayed for a car to run me over.

“You know you don’t believe in that.”

Those were her words of comfort in a time when I was hurting inside so badly that I was begging for the release of death. How dare she even presume to know what I do or do not believe in.

It still hurts….the lack of compassion…

It leaves me to wonder if I’m even her child….or my father’s…

I do have my original birth certificate from the 1980s when I was born, but really that doesn’t mean much…Just that my mother had a child on May 11, 1984 at 12:10pm. That doesn’t mean that I am really that child. . .

I think about these sorts of things a lot, and every time I feel myself doubting, questioning myself…Maybe she will love me if I just stop, I realize I don’t think she has ever loved me…Done her duties as a mother, yes, but loved me…no.

So I will keep moving forward this time and I won’t give up, because the people that love me…they support me.

Those that don’t…They aren’t worth my time anymore…no matter how much it hurts.

Support. . . my ass. . . Yes, this is a rant.

 

I’m annoyed, thoroughly and completely annoyed with people and their falsities called support groups. When someone asks a valid and serious question, they should get a valid, serious answer, right? Right. Well not if you’re some of the so-called support groups that I’ve been involved in.

I am beyond sick or people passing off social time as a means of information and support for people that actually want or need help, information, opinions or dare I say, support.

This is what is wrong with people (well not all, but rather some) today. They are too self-important to give a shit about anyone other than themselves or something that will further themselves in life. Or, they only care about their close buddies, screw everyone else.

Why call yourself a support group when you’re just going to either A) ignore people asking for help or B) pop off your mouth with some asinine bullshit rant that has nothing to do with the question asked in the first place?

Why did I go for seven years without a support group for being trans?

BECAUSE OF THIS BULLSHIT.

Honestly, I would rather go the rest of my without having to deal with this. I have my support base, I have my fiancé and her mother who have always been there for me.

The first person to come out publically as being trans didn’t have a support group that had been through everything before them and they made it through.

There are leaders and there are followers. I would rather blaze my own trail and find out for myself than deal with the backstabbing, overrated wannabe high school drama of support groups…

Today was…

Today was pretty good. I didn’t wake up until almost 11am, but that was probably because I spent half the night talking with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. It’s totally a plus that she sleeps beside me each night.
We cleaned up the room and dropped a few things off at the storage unit and then on whim I decided we needed to have a picnic. Bought sausages, chips and PowerAde at the store and then we drove to Devil’s Den.
I have to say, I love the name of this place, especially so because of where it’s located (Bible-belt Arkansas) and it seems to be a pretty popular place.
After lunch we sat by the creek for a bit before deciding to dare one of the hiking trails.
Of course I had my trusty awesomely sexy Nikon with me, so I managed to get a lot of beautiful pictures along the way. Even though the caves are closed right now, because of the threat of “White Nose” among the bat population I was able to sneak a few shots from the mouths of one of the caves. We can’t wait until they are open again and we can actually go inside of them.
I got my exercise for the day, I have been lifting some small weights and doing crunches in an effort to stop being such a fattie, but today, I’ll forgo the normal evening routine. A two hour hike more than makes up for that.
Everyone had a great time, myself included, next Saturday, I think we might just do something like this again. It really lifted everyone’s mood and lowered the stress level.

Harder than I thought…

 

I thought the hardest part about getting my name legally changed would be going before the judge, but clearly I was wrong. That was actually the easiest part of it thus far.

I’m finally making some progress in getting everything changed over from my old name to my new proper name. I still have a few things that I have to do, but for the most part I’m done.

Today, I finally finished with the getting my car’s title and registration changed over and in the last week I got my car insurance and phone changed over too. Though getting my name changed for my phone was not an easy feat. First I was told I could change it online through a customer service representative, which didn’t work. They can only change the first or the last name but not both. I was then told I could go into ANY store with the proper paperwork. That didn’t work, and I was told that I had to fax a copy of the order into the corporate office, well that wasn’t right either. Finally, I was told that I could go to a certain store (which I dislike immensely) and get it changed there. FINALLY! It was like the angels pissed rum on me from the heavens. I was able to get my name on my phone account changed.

Supposedly my college has changed my name on my blackboard account, but I think I’m too far behind to be able to make up all my work because of the two week period that no one would answer my emails, and all of my professors except one do not allow anything to be turned in late.

I still have to get my birth certificate amended which is easier said than done, because it’s an Oklahoman birth. It –should- only cost about $15.00 to do and I could have it in a few hours if I actually go to Oklahoma City and file for the amendment. Otherwise, it could takes weeks or more. I’m still debating on what to do there.

Emily says that I need to get my high school diploma reissued with the proper name on it as well, but I’m not too sure how to go about that. I could call my old high school and ask…I think I’ll do that on Monday.

I still need to get a Post Office box, now that I have most of documents changed over to the correct name I can finally do that. It is harder to get a post office box than a driver’s license! Seriously…

So far the total cost of my name change has run me about $250 and I’m not even done with all the documents!

This really is harder than I thought it would be, but it’s well worth it.

I’m still stressing about my doctor’s appointment coming up this week and how I’m going to be able to afford it. Emily is dead set on me going, and I’ve been thinking about selling my guitar and keyboard to cover the cost, but I don’t know if anyone would buy them before the 20th.

I guess things will work out for the best…at least I hope so.

I wonder…

I wonder does it bother people when I tell the truth as I see it? When I can say that I am sad, depressed, suicidal and mean it. Does it make people not want to listen? To not read of my pain, and to better understand something that they may not ever go through? Does it disturb people to realize that not everyone is living the perfect life. Does it scare them?                         

Do they even care?

I doubt it. I feel like I have “friends” just so people can busy themselves with what I’m doing when it suits them or when they are bored.

When I need help, when I’m drowning, it seems like  they don’t care.

It hurts. It’s less and less each day that passes….I suppose that’s a blessing.

Pushing the Limits–Waking the Demon

I have to force myself to find something positive about today. I refuse to let today be a completely negative ordeal. I finally got my name straight on my car insurance and my cell phone service, after going through hell to do so, but I finally got it done. That’s a good thing.

I’m working my way through the list. Tomorrow I need to work on getting my title and registration straightened out, but living out of a motel makes it a little difficult to get mail and I don’t want my title going to my parent’s house. I don’t want someone to take it…

I’m not handling this stress very well. I feel like I’m drowning.

I need to raise money to get us out of here and somewhere…anywhere…else.

I can feel my temper slipping with each idiotic offense these people pull on us. The cars racing through here with their radios blaring at 2am.

The negligent assholes that let their five year old babies play in the streets unattended while their baby runs naked in the windows of their rooms.

The people bitching about my 7 week old puppy not being on a leash while their mongrels charge at Random while I try to walk him. When we call the front office, they tell us there’s nothing they can do, yet they can call my room and pitch a fit about my children playing in the grass in front of the room with the puppy.

I don’t like these feelings building inside of me. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like wanting to hurt someone and enjoying the prospect that it could bring.

I try to read, try to write, try to find a way to make money that doesn’t involve me being around people, because that just isn’t an option for me in this state right now.

I try hard to control myself…It’s painful how hard I try.

I clench my fists, nails digging into the palm of my hands as I stuff the anger, the feelings of hopelessness down. I have to stuff it down, I can’t let it out. My anger is a dangerous, violent beast that revels in the pain of others. I can’t let him out.

People wouldn’t understand if I told them. They would laugh, like my last psychologist. “You’re not schizophrenic,” she had laughed once when I breached my concerns to her. She didn’t know, she didn’t want to take the time to know. I would never trust her to tell her the truth. If I told anyone the truth I would be locked away in a mental asylum somewhere with a neat package label of some mental psychosis slapped on my charts.

That is how they treat people now, or rather don’t treat people. A label, drugs and a swift kick in the ass. There is no real help for the mentally ill, only a cluster fuck of a system that fails us time and time again.

I want to put my fist through a wall sometimes, just to let some of this anger out, to vent.

If I start…

I’m not sure that I could stop.

There’s too much that I’ve bottled up over the years. It really started getting bad when I was in high school, but then again what unpopular outcast doesn’t have it bad in high school?

That doesn’t matter now. This is now and that was then.

I have to stay focused, try to take it one day at a time.

I’ve tried to plan for the days ahead, but I never stick to my schedule.

I have to go somewhere, anywhere, and it’s never where I start out.

I drive for what seems like hours, never really knowing where I am going until I get there.

I’m loosing a lot of time again. Blanks in my memories. Hours mostly, sometimes a day…

I have to get away…I have to find home…but I don’t know where it is.

Nothing feels right. Everything feels like make-believe, like a bad film.

I want to wake up.

I can’t.

There’s nothing to wake up from.

A Desperate Plea

If I am going to be honest with everyone, myself included, I have to tell the truth, but I suppose that goes without saying.

I am depressed, I know I’ve said it before and at this point I’m probably beginning to sound like a broken record, I just can’t shake it. I try to focus on something else but nothing keeps my attention long before the overwhelming feeling of failure seeps back into my consciousness.

I wish I was dead. I wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning and all this pain and suffering was over. That idea makes me hate myself. Yes, I said it, I hate myself. I am a coward for wanting death as an easy escape. Yet, I cannot allow myself that easy luxury because there are too many people that depend on me. That in turn myself me hate myself more, allowing anyone to get close enough to sway my decisions. It’s a never-ending cycle of depression, self-loathing, anger and hatred.

I am supposed to be excited about starting HRT towards the end of the month, but if I do I feel like I’ll be taking away from my family. We really can’t afford the T let alone the cost of the doctor’s appointment. My fiance insists that we will make it work, we always do, but I can’t help but feel like I’m being a selfish jerk if I do.

I don’t have any insurance to help cover the cost of anything, so the whole cost of everything, tests, appointments etc, would come out of what little we have saved to help keep a roof over our heads.

I wish we could make it back to Richmond, Virginia. They have a clinic there for the trans community. They take care of all the medical aspects and the paitent only has to pay for the hormones. The Fan Free Clinic.

Around here…there’s nothing like that.

I miss my family in Richmond…Okay, I miss my Momma and I know that Emily misses her mother too. I feel like we have nothing left here.

My own mother…

The person I thought would be my best friend forever…

The person I thought I could always talk to no matter what and who would always love me…

She doesn’t. It hurts. I hurts bad. I wonder if she feels anything knowing possibly the last thing she ever told her second born child when they asked for a hug was, “No, I don’t think so,” then walked away.

I don’t think she even cares, and I think that is what hurts the most.

We have nothing left here.

We all want to go home, but right now we’re stranded.

So.

I am asking for help.

I don’t want to beg for money, because to me that’s tasteless.

I mean if I wanted to do that, I could stand on a street corner and make something up.

I have until April 1st to have money raised for the trip, or its another month in hell, and honestly I don’t know if I can make it.

I can do graphics, some website design. I can even knit baby hats (once I find my supplies from storage.)

I’m asking for piece work so we can get out of here and go home.

Emily has suggested a Café Press store and I’ll be trying that as well.

If anyone is interested…

My email is KeleAyunli@gmail.com

Thanks for listening.

Really?!

 

I am beyond pissed at Three Rivers College. For those of you that don’t know, it’s my the college I’m currently taking classes through. They aren’t answering any of my emails, not even the ones for me requesting to withdraw from my classes. At this point I’m pretty miffed, this is supposed to be a small college with the student in mind and I’ve yet to see anything that revolves around the student pertaining to this college.

Most of the professors take days to answer their emails or don’t even bother to answer them at all. Many of them constantly change the way they teach, or rather don’t teach classes online. I feel like I’m paying just to borrow a textbook and read the contents for the most part. Seriously, very little interaction. I won’t say that all the professors that teach there are this way, just a lot of the ones I’ve run across. I have had a decent professor or two, but for the most part they don’t seem to care at all.

So, looks like I’m going to be ending up withdrawing from TRC. They want me to continue to work under a name that is not legally mine, even the government has changed my name and with a lot less trouble. The guidelines of the school even say that the students will not turn in work that isn’t theirs. Clearly my name isn’t what my account says, therefore if I am to abide by the school rules I simply cannot work under someone else’s name.

This whole process is more trouble that I that it was going to be. Sure I thought there was going to be some documents to fill out and some paperwork to file, but I never thought it was going to be this bad.

I’m still fighting depression, I think, or at least I hope that it will get better once we finally start getting things worked out. Right now I just feel so lost and useless…

Playing Catch Up

Yesterday and last night were too exhausting for me to do anything other than crawl into bed and sleep. My current college doesn’t want to change my name on any of the programs or services that I current use to interact with my fellow classmates and professors. They say that they can’t do anything until next semester even though I’ve legally changed my name and submitted the proper documentation. I’ve written them about this letting them know that I feel disrespected among other things. I’ve also told them that I refuse to work under an assumed name. If I cannot use my correct legal name, then I will withdraw from their college. I pay them for an education, and the least I expect other than that education is some respect. I would never ask anyone else to work under a false name, why should I not be given the same courtesy?

I am still in the process of trying to get all of my accounts and documents changed over to my new proper and legal name, and it’s proving to be a bit more trouble that I thought. In the end, it is well worth it. I still have some paperwork to deal with pertaining to my car and insurance. Then there is the mess of my birth certificate, high school diploma and other things.

Funny how when I sit down and start writing these posts every night I stop sometimes and think, “I’ve done this before.”  Déjà vu. It’s comforting to some extent thought because it helps me to realize that I’m on the right path. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing despite all the upheaval and distress currently occurring in my life.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m writing a book with my fiancé. It’s total fantasy and a bit off the wall, but it gives me something positive to focus on. After the first year of my “active transitioning” as I am calling it, I plan to start working on another book about my whole process. I love writing, so why not do something that I enjoy. I would love to do nothing more than write research papers all day. I love them. I know it’s a bit odd but still, it’s a good thing.

Today was my son’s, our youngest one’s birthday. He turned nine. Though we are going through rough times we did our best to make it a good day. He got the Pokemon cards that he had been wanting, and an Angry Birds Star Wars hoodie blanket, which he loves. His birthday cake was Transformers and I cooked him a nice dinner. Steak, baked potato, salad and Texas toast. Yum!

I miss having a big kitchen to cook meals in, but eventually we will get out of here and that will change. I’m trying to be positive. I’m trying really hard.

On the 20^th of this month I have my first appointment to start HRT. I already have my letter and I’m ready to go. I was cleared a little over two years ago when I still lived in Richmond, Virginia, but I moved because my parents “needed” me. What a lie that turned out to be. This time I’m not stopping, I’m not dropping my life for anyone else. I’ve come too far once again to put it on the back burner. I have been openly trans* (I write it that way because I love the “star”) since 2005. I’ve known that I was this way since high school, well before really. It was high school in 1999 when I realized there was a word to describe what I am.

As a young child I could never understand why I was different from my brothers, why I couldn’t run around shirtless and they could. That is one of the major things that sticks in my hair from my childhood. Well, what I remember of it.

While I am extremely excited about the 20^th, I am also terrified. This is a huge step for me, someone that detests medications that aren’t natural. I keep telling myself that my body should be producing T naturally and it isn’t, so I just have to give it a boost. I am currently taking an amino acid supplement that is supposed to help boost T production as well as promote “brain function”.  I’ve noticed that I don’t get as angry as often when I’m taking it. I feel a little better, but this depression is kicking my butt.

I am struggling with my classwork. I can’t pay attention to the words on the pages in the books. They might as well be written in Latin. I look at the words and none of them seem to make any sense to me.

On a positive note, Hamlet came back. No sooner had I posted my last post than I heard a meowing at the door, reluctantly Emily checked and there was Hammy. 

I cried. 

Even now, I’m on the very of crying.

I suppose I have to hit rock bottom before I can start heading up.