Landslide

This is not a good day, this is not a bad day, this is just another day to go down in flames, and it hasn’t even ended yet. Despite my reservations of appearance and the extreme dislike of femininity that is present in my voice I headed into “work” this morning. I wasn’t feeling very well and honestly I was a little depressed, but I left it at the door. I went into work with the same self-assurance I had the previous day. I was there to listen, to learn what the “teacher” was teaching, and I was there to acquire the tools for a new career.

I greeted the other guy that was there when I arrived, and when I started getting stared at instead of being talked to I merely pulled out my Criminology book from my briefcase and began reading and taking notes. I am completely awkward in social situations and have no idea what I’m supposed to talk about with people. If I had been given the chance to make friends and talk to people when I was a young adult I’m sure I might not have this problem now, but I suppose that’s irrelevant to a certain extent at this point in the day.

When the instructor began the class he passed out the role sheet as he had done the previous day and asked that we printed legibly what we would like on our program “diplomas”. He stated that he didn’t care what we wrote as long as we wrote something. Jokingly I asked if I could write “Your Royal Highness” in front of my name to which he replied he didn’t care if I wrong “Her Royal Highness” if that was what I wanted. Needless to say, everyone glared at me like I had just slaughtered a baby kitten in their presence.

Strike One.

I played it off like a joke and did my best to ignore it.

I tried extremely hard.

I tried to ignore the fact that everyone else sat around each other but seemed to avoid me like the plague. I hadn’t been rude to any of them; I’d tried to be respectful and pleasant to be around.  

So there I sat, alone from the rest of the group. When we had to get up to do roleplaying with each other, everyone else tried to run to find a partner that wasn’t me. It was only with a heavy sigh and visual reluctance that I got a partner in the first place.

What is this, high school all over again?

Strike Two.

I ignore it again, maybe I’m not a likeable person or maybe I’m intimidating.

The previous night everyone in the class was given a “homework” assignment. In this assignment, we were supposed to memorize a skit of sorts, in order to begin a successful sale. I’d gone over this skit, made the alterations suggested by the teacher and tried my best to remember it.

Each person in the class was supposed to “do” the skit in front of the class, so that we could “break any bad habits” before the started. I was nervous about getting up in front of the class, I was scared however, I was ready. Person after person everyone did their “skit” until it was my turn. We took a break and afterwards moved on to something completely different.

I was crushed, yet I didn’t say anything. Every time today, I had tried to say anything I had gotten talked over, so it wouldn’t have done any good in the first place.

Strike Three.

Lunch time came and I did good to hold it together while I made my way to my car. Once in the safety of my little maroon Neon I broke down crying.

I’ve done everything I could possibly fit into this place that was supposed to be my new career and yet I still didn’t fit in. I felt like a stranger that was unwanted rather than part of the team as I was supposed to be. Everyone had already accepted everyone else, and were forming friendships and bonds, and yet no one wanted to talk with me even when I had tried to reach out and make a connection first.

Words cannot describe how horrible I feel right now. I couldn’t go back after lunch.  I feel like I’ve let everyone down. I feel like a total failure, because I couldn’t adapt and rise to the situation.

My beautiful fiancé has told me she didn’t like the idea of me in sales anyway, because my money wouldn’t keep her warm at night. 

Yes, I would have been gone most of the time, but I could take care of my family.

I feel…

Weak…

Useless…

Undeserving of love…