All in a Day's Work

I just spent eight hours in a classroom with nine other men and one woman learning how to be an Automobile Sales Professional, and I couldn’t feel better. I am mentally exhausted and nervous about what this means for my future, for my family’s future.

I’ve made the plunge into “going full time” since officially getting my name changed and it has made all the difference in the world. No longer do I have to be confined by the name that was thrust upon me at birth. I am no longer chained by the behavioral expectations of said name, I am finally able to grow into the man that has been chained, living inside of me. However I there are still times when I doubt myself.

I have not merely been pulled out of my comfort zone, where I didn’t have to interact with people, but I was pulled kicking and screaming and thrust into a world where interacting with people will become my livelihood.

I am terrified of how everyone there perceives me, whether they know my secret, that I am transitioning. I wonder if they think I’m just some freak, just some poser wannabe guy.

My lack of facial hair sets me apart from the other guys there, but there are some that are clean shaven.  I could blame my lack of facial hair on my Native American heritage, or the fact that I shave every morning, but then what would I say when I start HRT and finally begin the puberty that I was supposed to have as a teenager?

I still haven’t had top-surgery and I’m bound the best I can manage for a long day, and while it does the job of making my chest appeal flatter, I still do not have the right look as far as I’m concerned. I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and adjust my dress shirt and tie, frowning at the reflection looking back at me.

My chest is too large and my face too smooth but still, at the end of the day when I’ve been called nothing but Aydan, Mr. O’Connor or Sir and only heard male pronouns used for me, I can deal with my physical imperfections at this time.

I know before the month is out, I’ll be working my way towards a fantastic career and a complete transition. Before the year is out, I could have top-surgery. I can have a nice, steady home for my family. I can truly live the “American Dream.”

All of this because someone…No...

Because two very important people believe in me.